The narcissistic parent

Posted on 28. Jan, 2011 by admin in Brainwashing

Narcissistic Parents

In my study of mental child abuse as well as my own observations regarding my ex, I’ve noticed how prevalent it is that the child abuser is highly narcissistic.

What’s a narcissistic parent? It’s someone who is self-absorbed, authoritarian (watch out for their outbursts), negative, a know-it-all, highly critical of others, secretive, cunning, manipulative, exploitive, stingy, ungrateful, a pathological liar (twists the truth with incredible ease), envious and competitive, deaf to other’s opinions, doesn’t listen (zero empathy), brags and exaggerates, has no boundaries, inept at basic manners, and lacks a sense of humor (especially at themselves). He or she is one unhappy person (read this post on Unhappy Parents).

Looking at these traits, how many of them apply to your situation? A narcissistic father or mother will have most, if not all of the traits listed.

There’s a simple reason why the more a parent brainwashes his or her own children (or dishes out any other form of abuse), the more narcissism tendencies they have: It takes an extremely selfish and sick parent to inflict such harm onto their own child. An adult can set aside anger or hurt from a divorce and keep their child on neutral ground by refusing to enroll them in the middle of the conflict. But parents hell-bent on minimizing or even outright destroying the child’s relationship with the ex are unable to place their child out of the emotional turmoil. They can’t do it. In fact, they will actively bring pain to their own offspring.

So how do you counter these parents, and is there hope for changing them? A sobering quote:

“Trying to reform narcissists by reasoning with them or by appealing to their better nature is about as effective as spitting in the ocean.” – Halcyon.com

That has been one of my biggest frustrations with my ex, thinking that reasoning with her and letting her eventually calm down and see for herself that I’m a good Dad would temper her behavior towards our son. But it never happened, and her actions even got worse over time. The sad reality is that you can’t change the narcissist. It’s deeply unfortunate, as your ex (assuming he or she is the custodial parent) has ample amounts of time to transfer these narcissism traits onto your child.

The only recourse is being a normal parent, providing needed contrast for your child. It’s very important to insist that any behaviors in him or her that mimic your narcissistic ex are stomped out immediately. So if your child is flippant, rude, and lacking manners– and they will on many levels when they’ve been living with a narcissist– don’t tolerate it.

“The narcissist is governed by his or her feelings, the decent person is governed by his or her obligations” – Dennis Prager

The above quote sums it up very well. Since a narcissistic parent is governed by his or her feelings, they don’t have the ability to own up to their obligations to shield their child from emotional heartache, adult issues, stories of how bad Mommy or Daddy is, etc.

These parents are a vortex of negative energy, and will suck the life out of those around them. Children of narcissists suffer, and come in two camps: those that are aware of this parent’s bizarre, completely irrational behavior “Yeah, there my Mom/Dad goes again…”, or they’re not and are mentally smothered by the parent. Sadly lots of these children end up inheriting the narcissist’s traits, supporting the findings that many children of narcissistic parents become narcissists themselves.

The reality is this. Once the children become adults, the only way for them to not further suffer under the tyranny of such a parent is to move away from them. Creating physical separation, and thus limiting contact, from a parent might seem like a bad notion. But the alternative is to live a life of suffering. Remember, the narcissist doesn’t change. After all, he or she isn’t the wrongdoer or person with flaws… everyone else is.

Tags: narcissist parents

93 Responses to “The narcissistic parent”

Storm Dweller

31. Jan, 2011

I think 9 times out of ten you’re right. And if it’s not narcissism that’s to blame, there’s some other form of mental illness at play that just doesn’t allow the person to see the harm they are causing the kiddos. In my case however, he couldn’t see the harm he was causing while we were still married and living in the same home. I suppose it’s ridiculous to expect he would see it now. I thank you for your brevity in sharing your experiences here. I know in some ways I am on the other side of the fence as the custodial parent, but the damaging effects are still there. It’s hard as a parent to try to pick up those pieces for your kiddo, I imagine it’s harder still not to be allowed to be there to help with the same.
Jennifer

03. Feb, 2011

Any parent that seeks out ways to control and dominate a child is sick however when the mother is the one who is inflicting any form of abuse on her child she is not only narcissistic, she is evil. A mother “usually” has a natural and fierce desire to protect her child at all costs, it goes against every fiber of our being to inflict harm on any child …especially on our own. It broke my heart when I read what you and so many others are going through…there is nothing more painful than knowing your child is being abused and feeling as if there isn’t much that you can do to stop it. Thankfully, I have an ex who for the most part, is good to our kids…however his new wife is another story, as I read through this article it was made very clear to me that she possesses a lot of the characteristics of narcissism. I am so grateful that you have taken the time to share your experiences with the public. You not only shed light on mental abuse but you have given advice and hope to anyone who is fighting this battle.
Tired_of_Abuse

24. Feb, 2011

I was in a marriage for 16yrs that was a text book example of verbal/mental and at times physical abuse. My ex limited the physical abuse because that showed to the world what he really was. He is extremely narcissistic and thrives on talking about his High School football days and pointing out how wonderful he is and how unimportant and unattractive the rest of the world is. He always thinks that people are talking about him and admiring him or that they want to be him. He has broken me down mentally, to the point where I started to believe I was lower the pond scum. The verbal and mental abuse was easy for him to hide. He would use his charm and smile to tell the world I was having a breakdown and I was just plain crazy. For years, he degraded me in front of our children, called me names that make me shutter to this day. I was not his only target. He also targetted our daughter and the family dog. The only one who seemed to get a pass the majority of the time was our son. As my son grew, I could not correct/disapline him without my husband stepping in to override me and allow my son to rule over me exactly as his father had done. On a few occasions, he did direct the abuse towards my son, but those occasions are limited. There is so much more to this story, I could write multiple Life Time Movies. ————— Finally, after 16yrs of this, I found the courage to kick him from the house and got a temporary restraining order to protect me and the children, I filed for Divorce this past October and it has been extremely difficult. With my husband out of the house, my now 11yr old son has taken the place as my abuser. He has verbally and physically abused me and my daughter. I have all three of us in therapy, I’m trying to save my son from repeating this cycle of abuse. I’m trying to save my daughter from marrying someone like this. THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHVAVIOR. My husband has empowered my son to call him whenever there is a situation at the house. My 11yr old uses this empowerment to call whenever he looses his xBox live priviledges or his phone privledges for treating me so discrespectfully. This all came to a head last night, as my son called his Father and together on the phone they discussed how horrible I am. They did this in front of me. I cried, I can’t believe this is my baby. His Father has made him an animal just like him. As my son got pumped up by his Father on the phone, I had no choice but to call the Police on my son to help me control the situation. Luckily, my daughter was not present for any of this. My 11yr old has now moved out of the house to live with Dad where it is all fun and games. Nobody has to do homework, nobody has to do chores, we can go to movies, eat out, have fun, etc… My house is the reality house, where you can’t act inappropriately, you have to take care of your responsiblities, and there are consequences for your actions. I hope I can find the strength to save my children and to save myself.
stsilv

22. Mar, 2011

Wow, Tired! My circumstance mirrors yours, except that my narcissist is alcoholic, our marriage lasted 22 years, I have four children, and my son is 15. I kicked my husband out last May. By the end of June my son was arrested for domestic battery after he pinned me to the ground face down and threatened to kill me because I turned off the TV in the middle of his xbox game (after the 15-minute warning). This was the third domestic violence call I had placed against him and the cops insisted he be taken away and charged. He went to live with his dad that night. Of course, dad “supported” the son’s belief that I was being too strict and calling police on my own child was despicable. Son did not talk to me for months and whenever I saw him over the next six months, he was rude, disrespectful and aggressively angry toward me. It was hell!

My heart ached for him – still does. But I have had some bright moments since and maybe this will encourage you. My son’s abusive behavior became a problem for him in school and he was transferred to a therapeutic school, where he receives a lot of daily support and I am kept up-to-date by staff. When he is unmanageable at school, they call police. There is not much my husband can say or do about it.

Fast forward to January. My son now has his learner’s permit and asked that I go driving with him. We go twice a week. Six months ago, he would not get in the car with me. Now, we have some alone time (when dad is around, son still “acts” as if he hates me). I have taken the parenting pressure off myself and focus on enjoying my son, assuring him that I love him, being truthful with him and calling him out on inappropriate behavior if he pulls it with me – which is rare since our time together is in such small doses for now. I do NOT ask about life with dad – although he sometimes volunteers information about it.

I am in treatment for co-dependence (recommend this for you if you are not) and am learning to maintain healthy boundaries in my home and for myself, personally. Each day I feel stronger and freer.

My husband and I are divorcing. He is a liar, a cheat and an addict and I hate that this has ensnared my beloved son, too.

I pray for them both.
Millie

25. Mar, 2011

These comments really touch my heart. I was married to an abusive, narcissistic, alcoholic for over thirty years. He filed for divorce after meeting his new girlfriend on the internet the month before in Dec. 09. He stopped paying the mortgage, bills, drained the retirement accounts etc. I have two adult children that have blocked out their memories of physical abuse by their father, and a sixteen year old that would come downstairs to get in between us as he was chasing me to push me into walls late at night. He told me “there was no passion left in our marriage and that I did not look like I did when I was 25.” He takes no responsibility for what he has done to our son. Supports his girlfriend and her daughter while giving me next to nothing. He lost the house to me and I modified the loan. I have a court order that he never come there, but he keeps coming over to pick up my son, do yard work etc. I am desperately trying to get a restraining order, but sadly, never called the police. I do have a good job and a wonderful mother. Keep your children in therapy is my best advice.
Riff

26. Mar, 2011

My mind is spinning in that I have found this site. I actually was starting to believe that I was infact as horrible a person as my ex keeps telling my children. I seperated from him 5 years ago after I couldnt stand living with someone who acted like a father, not a partner. I had to ask for permission for everything, money, friends… everything. I was never allowed access to bank accounts and all property, cars etc were accummulated after 11 years were in his name. He took my leaving hard and I felt terrible guilt, I let him have nearly everything except a few bags of clothes. The girls and I started from scratch and I never asked for formal child support… i allowed him to dictate what he gave. For the past 5 years my ex has proceeded to instult me to anyone who will listen and even some who do not want to hear it. I am a slut, a whore, a filthy pig who lives like a slob blah blah blah. Enough is enough now so finally I am seeking mediation and possible legal intervention as he is destroying my girls. Everytime he insults me they take it so personally as I am part of who THEY are. I pity the man and his self centeredness. One thing I will never do is retaliate via my children, I despise him but will never tell them so.
Good luck to you all, I will be sending my positive thoughts so you stay strong!!!
PickingUpThePieces

28. Mar, 2011

Just when I thought I couldn’t deal with much more, I found this site. I thought this all was my fault – I didn’t keep the house clean enough, I gained weight, I didn’t present a “united front” when “we” were parenting. I’ve been doing research on mental abuse of children and how to help your children cope, and have now realized this was not my fault at all.
I was married the first time when I was 19. He was my first love. It wasn’t long until the physical abuse started. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I had to flee for the safety of my child. I left when I was 4 months pregnant and divorced this man shortly after she was born.
5 years later, I met another. He was charming, handsome, college educated, and had traveled the world. I was mesmerized with his stories of life, and he was a father to 2 beautiful children. He told me he fell in love with me and my daughter the night we played Hi Ho Cheerio. We were married a year later, and he was able to adopt my daughter without objection. Sounds like a romance novel come true?
10 years later I am reading these stories identifying with each and every one on some level. He turned most of the mental abuse on my daughter. He told her things that a child of any age should be told – she was a product of rape – go live with her “real dad” (she’s never known another father) or how calling her a slob, pig and she’d be a fat a** if she ate any more french fries. He has targeted her over the other 3 more times than I can count and when I stood up to him, he took me off the bank accounts and made me ask permission to make simple purchases such as underwear for myself or the kids or accompanied me to the grocery store to make sure I didn’t waste money on “needless food”
He turned to alcohol to cope with his feelings. after 2 DUIs in a 6 month time period, I kicked him out and am filing for divorce. (these were just the icing on the cake.) I am left picking up the pieces of his mess he left with my daughter. She has no self esteem, no self worth, and thinks the entire world will eventually betray her trust.. Our youngest has not been a target (yet) I am leaving so this vicious cycle will end.
Desiree Logan

31. Mar, 2011

I am glad I found this site. My children are mixed and there daddy was a cheater; when I could not take it anylonger I left and of coarse took the kids with me. He was also at times very rough with them. And during his cheating episode had gone after a 16yr old girl. In the divorse I was granted full custody. With visitation at my discretion. Now for 7 yrs my ex never tried to contact the kids; but I was always trying to keep up with him for the kids. Not to mention tring to get childsupport. Long story short. He finally got remarried and this new women had what it seemed brought him around. Well my son age 11 wanted to stay with his dad get to know him and such which I allowed. Being raised by me and my mom and my 2 sisters along with his 2 sisters was probly rough… lol Any way the time that past with out contact his family also never would stay in contact with us. So we had for the 7 yrs just lived how we want. My girls fell in love with horses and we live in a very southern white comunity where surprisingly everyone just adores us all. No racial problem at school or anything; they are head of the class rooms and very popular. So I said that to say we never had problems till now that dad and step mom are in contact they are telling the kids that its my fault they are messed up; that little black girls don’t belong in the mountains riding horses. ect ect. BTW he is from the bahamas and when we dated he hated afro americans, and his wife is Italian and native american. I was cussed out by these people because my childeren had never heard the word Niggar. WTF. Anyway in my case the non custodial parent I think along with the step mom are abusing my sweet loving childeren; and I just wish they would stop and let my kids be free Americans, not a race.
Needs Advice

11. Apr, 2011

I am amazed that there is actually a perfect diagnosis for my Grandson’s father. From day one he has thought only about himself. He will claim that he’s doing it all for “my boy” and then proceed to tell you how much HE has suffered and how nothing is his fault. He even blames his son for his emotions and always tries to find things wrong with him so that others will find him blameless. He defies court orders, lies and delivers our grandson to his mother in a hysterical state that takes hours to remedy. He has repeatedly told our Grandson that “mommy is taking you away from me”. He cries when they part and acts like they’ll never see each other again even though the next visitation is only a couple of days away. Our Grandson is so confused and distressed. His home life with his mother is as normal as it can get. She is an amazing daughter and mother and has recently married a wonderful man who loves our Grandson as his own. They are desperately trying to figure out how to help their son. I’m terrified that his birth father will someday resort to harming my Grandson or snatching him away from us. By the way, my Grandson is only 2 1/2 years old.
julie

22. Apr, 2011

Unbelievable, this is my life…..my 12 yr old is under so much mental exhaustion from my Ex that he wanted to kill me and kill himself! His dad won’t believe that he is causing the pain….I do fear when he gets out of treatment, he would or could do something or my ex will BRAINWASH him to believe that he was in such pain because of ME.
He twists the truth and I am just a GAME. He says the opposite of what i say….or the same about me that I say about him.

I never dreamed it would end like this. I knew hewas a Narcissist but had no idea the extent he would go after we divorced…
Donna

24. Apr, 2011

My daughter is losing the custody battle with her ex N and his N step mom. The vindictiveness has drained us emotionally and financially. Where is the justice in our courts these days? Where has “in the best interest in the child” gone? I can’t save this child from his father. I have been his primary care taker since he was an infant so he has the tightest bond with me (grandmother). He is everything to me and I can’t help him. I wished I had known about this disorder before he filed for custody. My “super” lawyer doesn’t even want to deal with him. She thinks I am nuts! No one can understand how a child can go hysterical when his father comes to pick him up. The Narc worships his father and he wants his own son to do the same with him. God help us.
Tami

02. May, 2011

How can a parent do that to a child they are suppose to love? I believe my nephews ex girlfriend is doing just this to his 6 yd old daughter. How do we go about stopping this. My nephew just found out today a bunch of stuff his ex has been putting into her head. The only thing he could do was sit on the floor & cry. He found this out from his daughter. What can we do to help her?
Tisha O.

05. May, 2011

WOW, I have been dealing with a narcissistic ex husband for over 11 years and didn’t have the word to pin on him. My son is 13 now and seriously been brainwashed for so long by my ex. I was almost about to give up! There is light at the end of this tunnel?!!
Christa

08. May, 2011

My Son was brainwashed by a very cruel x-husband. My son will be 15 in June. He has not spoken to my daughter and I for 2 years now. It is so painful.I long for him everyday and nothing makes it better.I am the best mom a child could ask for. It is so hard to feel like I am trash to him.I feel like my daughter and I have been thrown away.I guess I should mention that my daughter who is very bright and he top of her class has been shunned by her father.He has turned my so against her too. I know my x is using him for an attempt and the family home .I have been in the process of divorce for 3 years to a man who refuses to work.He is educated an accountant and he can build houses. But instead sits on his ass and receives child support and alimony from me,a hair dresser. I guess I haven’t mentioned that this same man stole over 200 thou from me,poised my front and back yard,tried to steal my car,turned me into the post office for stealing his mail(a federal offense),turned me into the city for no permits on a building he built…shall I go on.The worst of it all is that he turned my son against us.It has been two long years without my son.I have tried to talk to my son but only to be hung up on.I have his friends bring him goodies and cards that tell him how much we love him.I tell him the door is always open. I had to take myself off face book because I could not stop looking at his page. It takes days for me to recover from seeing a new picture of him. I keep holding onto my faith….but it is so hard when someone has taken your baby.No one can help. My son is so confused he made up lies about me to the shrink who was just out for money.200 an hour.. Has anyone experienced this???When will my baby come back to me??
Gwen

15. May, 2011

My situation sounds similar to Christa’s. I have four children and have had my ex-husband alienate my children from me for the past nine and a half years. They have been brainwashed against me. For the last three years my older three have lived with their father. I go to all their soccer games, rugby games and anything else I can do to see them. They don’t speak to me but I e-mail them sometimes. My son (16) has written to me that he wishes I were dead. He told me he will hurt me and that is a warning. My youngest son has been going back and forth and we have had a wonderful relationship. Just recently there has been an issue where my youngest son is now angry at me, passed on from his father. Time will tell whether we can get through this or not.. I have read and written on topics of Bullying, Parental Alienation and have also read much. I am waiting for my daughters ( 19 and 17 ) to figure this out. The truth is they won’t figure it out on their own. We all need counselling, twice a week even, however they won’t go with me…not even talk to me. That is what they need. I told their father that my son with a death wish for me needs help, I know he won’t get the help for him. I have been through every profession there is related to this and have had Judges, lawyers, social workers, psychologists, counsellors, mediators etc. all been manipulated by this man. All these people have stabbed me in the back, stabbed me in the heart. I was told once that unless my ex-husband is hurting himself or someone else, nothing will be done about it. By hurting they mean only physical and he is smart enough not to hurt physically anymore. I feel there is nothing more I can do but I wait and write in books for each of them so I can let them know one day how much I have been loving them all this time. It is very painful everyday. The narcissism of my ex-husband gets worse all the time. Just when I think what else can he do to me, he finds something new. I go on everyday but I’m not sure how. Hope is the only thing that keeps me going, hope that my children will see something, someone will say something to them, their father will do something to expose himself. Just keep hoping that one day things will change, the children will see or the narcissist will be stopped.
Rebecca Sunny

21. May, 2011

brainwashing goes on, from the poverty stricken to millionaires! It should be illegal. I feel ya . But ya know one thing? YOU have to live for you. Just do it. No one cares and you won’t make a difference. No matter what you say or do, you will not make a difference.

A brainwashing parent is a narcissistic parent. Exactly. Although, let that parent die young… then they become a saint!
Kim

23. May, 2011

My son has been divorced twice, Wives left him for other men claiming he was boring as he stayed home and took responsibility with his children and did not want to go do the bar scene and socializing as they did. First wife was evil and very vindictive telling the children to call us names and be disrespectful to their father. She would make plans on his visitation time and really hype it up to the kids so he would let her get away with it as not to disappoint the kids in their fun. Over the years she started to see she was having problems with the children and started blaming their father for not having them as much as her this too changed when she finally realized she was at fault. She then got married again had more children so then she did not have the time for the first two. She will still intervene with dad’s time if she thinks kids are having too much fun with him so they have adapted to just telling her they do nothing but sit around and she is fine with it. The second wife is a piece of work. She also has primary but they have joint custody. She collects all the welfare benefits, and WIC benefits but never has the children. Her social life takes priority above all. She goes from man to man, takes trips for weeks on end and does what she wants. She even had another child which was conceived a year after the divorce by another man that my son raises as his as she did not want other father involved in her life. This was due to him seeing her for what she was and calling her on it. He did not want the child anyways only the mom. The other children do not know Dad is not her father she is 3 now. Mom does not want Dad but uses the kids to get what she wants from him. She got the 11yr old a cell phone so she could keep tabs on them and Dad. She calls Dad 10 or more times a day to see if he is with anyone or if they are having fun without her. Example: Dad and kids had outing at Boy Scout Camp, Mom called constantly to see what they were doing and if Dad did not answer then she called the 11yr olds phone. She did everything to ruin the weekend and when she found out their son fell and hurt his knee at camp she insisted they come back. She never has the kids they are with Dad 90%of time but she runs the show. Dad gave up his home for her to live in when she left her boyfriend and has moved in with us she thinks she can run the show here. What are if anyone knows our rights and my sons rights and how can we stop this. The kids hate going with her, she cussed out the therapist because he told her what to do and CPS can’t find abuse as kids are with her at parks and fast food places, but she never takes home so they don’t make a mess. Her and the 11yr old have now become physical with each other but does not want to get her mom in trouble so she says things are fine to outside people. If anyone has an answer please let us know.
nikki spencer

30. May, 2011

i understood my partner was narcississtic years ago, just never got what his mum did in his childhood to make him this way. After reading this article i fully understand,thank you.
marilyn

15. Jun, 2011

i am going through the same thing i left my verbal and mentally abusive husband only after i nearly had a nervous breakdown at the time i thought it best to leave my six year old son with him while i got my life together you see i was always the worker the bread winner the cleaner the everything while he proudly paraded around to everyone what a great stay at home dad he was but in reality he did nothing but make me feel i wasnt good enough and that i had to do everything to get his approval so i left and left him to be the great parent that he thought he was.Well since i left he has done everything in his power to convince everyone what a crazy person i am he limits my time with my son doesnt let him speak to me on the phone sends me messages thats his going to make my life hell calls the police on me starts court action for custody orders then doesnt appear tells my sons untruths all the time but i have found a way to combat his evil ways i tell my son the truth all the time no matter what he asks whenever i do spend time with him i make a point of never talking about his father i cuddle and kiss my sons as much as he wants i tell him i love him very much and no matter what he says to me that will never change i tell him im very proud of him how his handling the situtation.I have found this to be the best way to combat his fathers negativity by not playing his game and just being my self and not letting him get to me anymore kids are smart and they know more than we give them credit for by not being what his father is saying i amim showing him the truth without putting him in the middle .Good luck to all its a very hard situtation but keep strong for the kids sake and try not to play the games they want you to play our kids are not possessions they are a gift we owe it to them to show them how to manage through life even with difficult people and the best way to do that is to show by example you know whats true so just be true to yourself no one can abuse you if you dont let them and sometimes the best defence is to say nothing.
Celi

18. Jun, 2011

SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME OUT!! I live with my son. I’ve raised my son without his dads help, being that i left him when my son was only 3. I have had my ups and down’s with this guy and at one point we did try to get back together and work things out. BAD DECISION! my 1st visit over there he attacked and attempted to choke me, attempted to attack his sister, and hit his niece! I am terrified of what he is capable of. but my son’s relationship with is father is different. my son visits his father on a reg basis (weekends & during school breaks) I’ve recently noticed that my son hasn’t really wanted to visit his dad or go over. Which is weird to me because he absolutely loves and looks up to his dad. Well I’ve recently learned about my son’s father threatening to kill himself. My son didn’t tell me or any other adult about the threat, but his grandfather overheard a conversation between him (he’s & his “aunt” (she’s 9) because she had asked him why he did not come to her birthday party the weekend before. he explained to her “i wanted to go but my papa didn’t let me come” and than saying, “he (his dad) was mad because i live with my mom (me) and she see’s me everyday and that he (my sons dad) doesn’t get to see me as much” his dad telling him “If you REALLY wanna go back home to your momma I’ll take you but if you leave I’ma be sad if you leave and I’m just gonna kill myself ” how do i help my son deal with this?? any advise?? anybody??
Andy

16. Jul, 2011

I kind of wish I would’ve never delved into this subject of narcissism too much. Now I’m just completely freaked out by my parents. They’re like slimy reptiles that never run out of energy and who’s lifes are actually absolutely pathetic and pretty much resolve around them secretly fucking their own children up. It’s unfathomable. *cringe*
Faith

26. Jul, 2011

My daughter never sees her father, because he doesn’t make the effort to and lives quite a bit away from where we stay, but they speak often over the phone. Lately she has been acting out being rude saying things that he would say and being very vindictive towards me. He does not contribute a cent towards her upbringing yet she adores him never disrespects him, he does not do anything for her even when he has promised to do something it never happens, but he tells her about all the nice things he has bought himself. What can I do? I am worried about the damage he is causing her by doing this. I am at my wits end. Please anyone help.
Michael

29. Jul, 2011

I was working in France when I met my ex partner. We lived together for more than 7 years. We have a 6 year old son who has both USA and french passports. I was the sole financial care taker for My x her father and my son for 5 years. She then decided to start a new relationship and kicked me out of our house which is in her name. So she could live with our son and new boy friend.
I was forced to leave the country due to the fact she wiped me out financially and I could not gain full time employment.
i then returned to my home country in the USA with no job no money. I went through dramatic depression and nearly starved for several months. I did all I could to pick myself up again and start my life over with all intentions of reuniting with my son and I did it in 10 months. I returned to France and picked up my son, then brought him back to the USA. with her connect. His mother who thinks she is the best to decide our sons future who is also a substance abuser and lives with her new boy friend who is a really immature and bad influence on our son. She told me our son has to be back in france by the first week of Sept.
My son has expressed his desire to stay here with me as long as the time he spent with his mother.
I cant afford a lawyer at this time and I have searched the internet for advise. All the info seems to lean toward the mother in France.
My son and I have a bond that cant be broken.
I need to know what I can do to at the very least get equal custody and a restraining order against the boy friend from have any contact with our son while he is in he’s mothers care while in France.
Also, I need legal advise for international child custody rights. Please help !!
Megan

01. Aug, 2011

I am proud of everyone who has written on this board. It is hard to acknowledge that you have been abused and to move forward a stronger person following.

I have learned with unhealthy people the best thing you can do is stop interacting in their game of drama. If someone wants to abuse you, you cannot tolerate and you need to “cut them” even if it means losing them for some time. If someone sees you as a punching bag, they will keep punching. Narci people get high off of other people’s weakness and anything nice or helpful you try to do, they will see it as you being weak and that their manipulations are working.

People are all good in their hearts, they just get messed up and project their hurt on other people. Don’t be the sponge that catches it. It’s hard to walk away from someone that you love who is hurting, but ultimately, it is their path to find themselves. If you need to stay, interact within the safety of counseling initially. If you are not strong and healthy, you cannot help them, and should put them in the hands of an impartial person who can work through their issues.

For those with legal issues- step away from the drama and act tactically. Child support, custody etc are things that are dictated by the law- so act in accordance to the protection that is provided to you and make sure that you are taken care of.

Perhaps you are feeling low and your self esteem has been hurt, but be strong! Every strong decision that you make makes you that much more of a stronger person thereon out.
Jessica

05. Aug, 2011

I am battling my ex husband with my 4 children I know he is narcissistic, controlling. He has told my children mean and terrible things about me that arent true. And put false alligation charges on me. I dont know what to do, my kids are so brainwashed by him. Its going on 2 years now, the hardest 2 years of my life.
being aware is key to safe ur kids

07. Aug, 2011

is it ever to late to fix the damage parents inflict on a childs emotions and act as the perect parents to the outside world
allen

10. Aug, 2011

i am just finding out about this have a lot of questions that just got the answer and yes the past two years have been very hard on me. i thought mybe she has been hurt by me ? some one else but who cares that gives her no rite to brain wash my kids she told my little girl i was not coming this week and took my son to the next town over said she didnt know i was coming so fast so i had to go meet her and she said my girl did not want to go so i get a call from her and she was sad . and i can tell she felt left out so it it child abuse her dad talks crap in front of kiuds also mybe need a lawyer
clara

10. Aug, 2011

Im one of the victims in this sort of situation I live with my mom who is a narcrissistic, I have 3 younger brothers; one is starting middle school and 1 is in the middle of the elementary year and the youngest one is still a toddler. Im now in junior year ready to think about my future but how my mom acts is unforgivable she is always making me cry doesnt care if I eat or not and says Im brainwash by my dad which Im not and she thinks Im manipulating my younger brothers. I looked up this article and it matches every characteristics of my mom she loves to see me miserable because I see her laughing when Im being serious about all this. I want to live with my dad, but my mom filed a restraining order against him and doesnt want him to see me or my brothers I miss him very much he is one of the best dads in the whole wide world, he never cheated on my mom and gave her every thing she wanted bought her a nice house and she goes and does this to him. He didnt want her to leave in the first place because he believes that all kids should be raised by both of their parents, He then started to kiss her ass so she wouldnt leave buy of course my mom took advantage of that oppertunitie by disrespecting him and making him feel like dirt. I was so mad at my mom for what she was doing to him and how her family is encouraging it all too, it made me so mad that I wanted to kill my self. There are alot of things that my mom has done wrong and you dont even want to know. If you think this is evil wait till you hear and see what she has done. For all of you kids out there with the same problem its really hard the only thing you can do is do as she/he says otherwise it will only get worse in the future I garentee it and know this dont ever repeat this. EVER.
frickinhatehim

11. Aug, 2011

WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

All of these sad tormenting stories are mine wrapped together in a tidy little bundle.
My ex thinks he is ALL THAT to the point he has my beautiful sweet precious preteens believing that preppy proper , sacrificing all for the sake of my kids ME is the evil one.
This coming from a man who manipulates, controls and demands everything be run his way, even in the courts he takes control of the whole shebang and has no idea that most of the people he thinks love him, actually LOATHE him!!!

He takes my kids whenever he wants, dumps them wherever he wants, DEMANDS peoples time, money , and breaks in and stays forever at parties or even family gatherings and pretends to be “THE HONOR CHRISTIAN”

I want this man gone forever.
14yrolddaughters

11. Aug, 2011

Clara i think you are a spoiled rotten brat who is going through the raging hormone age. This group is about abusive HUSBANDS . You sound so o o o much like my daughter it makes my heart pound and my head hurt!!!

No matter what I do to please her , I am always wrong and her evil controlling manipulative brain washing dad is the “HERO” The man who wanted me to have an abortion. The man who didnt want anything to do with her the first 10 yrs of her life til she was old enough to be his farm hand

The real HERO is the one who nursed her, fed her, clothes her, sees to her every[ need, comforts her for that puppy love , holds her hair back when she is sick, hugs her , kisses her and still tucks her in every single night she is with me. I love my beautiful spoiled rotten disrespectful daughter and nothing will rip that love from me!!
Twoteensons

16. Aug, 2011

Clara, you sound like a very mature young lady. You did not come here to be emotionally abused by another adult. I applaud you for seeking information about narcissism. 14yearold daughters this discussion was about narcissistic parents so her discussion fit the topic. You sound like an angry, bitter person, do not take it out on someone you know nothing about.
helpformychild

20. Aug, 2011

I hear all the stories, which could easily be mine….with my precious little girl. I found this site when I googled “I need help for my child who is being hurt mentally by her Father.”
I’ve gone to a child psychologist in order to help her through his evil words (ie., if you grow up to be like Mommy I may like you, but I won’t love you.) This has helped a bit. However, he is starting to lay on this little one that he wants her to live with him because if she stays here her life will be miserable. I’ve told my precious child that a parent’s job is to take worry away from their children, not put worry and confusion in their heads.

I would love a concrete thing I can do to help my chld. If he was beating her there would be no doubt of abuse. I want to leave no stone unturned to make him stop. Can I? Is there someone in the court sysyem I can contact (without going through lawyers)?
denise

21. Aug, 2011

what are we to do when our kids are programed to tolerate this madness
mayor

22. Aug, 2011

I am a dad. I have a 3 year old girl that I had with an ex girlfriend out of wedlock. When my daughter was born, I played all of the games. I went to the mothers house for supervised visits, when I was allowed to go anywhere, it was to my mothers house (5 minutes up the road), and when I was allowed to take her to any other place (my grandparents for Christmas), the mother had to come with us to supervise. That was when my daughter was almost a year old. I had not been to court yet. I finally took her to court for my rights March of 2010. I met my current girlfriend a few months after my daughter was born and we’ve been together ever since. Once my kids “mom” found out that I was with someone, she unleashed hell. No visits till she met my girlfriend. No taking her anywhere but my moms house. I should have known something was up when the birth certificate arrived without my name on it…
Since court, my daughter has been taught it’s OK to abuse animals, that my girlfriend and I beat her, and that her mommys the boss and makes the rules, regardless of whose house my daughters is located. She has taken my daughter to the hospital for various injuries, including concussions, and a laceration that is very similar to the injury a woman receives from giving birth. Not one of the visits was I informed until DAYS after she was released. At this point, I have court ordered rights. I pay my child support on time and most of the time and paid over. I have sat back and tried to wait this out, but it is killing me. My girlfriend has just broken up with me because she can’t handle what my ex has been doing, which on top of the tip of the iceberg I’ve laid out for you, has included yet still, telling her that it’s bad to want to do things like daddy and “Shan”. The worst thing that has happened so far is that they took my daughter to the hospital for a UTI. While at the hospital, my daughters maternal grandmother accused me of molesting my daughter, and put her through the testing the hospital uses for detecting that. As expected, the results were negative. I’m getting ready to go back to court for about 7 contempt charges I’ve filed against the mother, but I don’t think it’s going to help. My girlfriend says that her brother went through similar situations with both of his kids, and he only sees one of them now. His daughter was brainwashed by her mother and grandmother into believing he and his family are garbage. I already see this starting to happen with my daughter as she doesn’t respond to me like she used to, she talks back to my girlfriend and I, and spends the entire weekends we have her ignoring every word we say, abusing our animals, and bursting into crying fits without being provoked.
These are starting to happen much more frequently, she will be playing with one of us or watching tv, and then start bawling her eyes out. When asked “What happened? What’s the matter?” she responds “I’m crying because I miss my mommy.”
I have never raised a hand to my daughter, and neither has my girlfriend.
I have never punished my daughter because she talks about her mom.
Yet, I can see her being pulled away from me, and with my limited visitation schedule (every Wednesday, 2 hours. Every other weekend. Some holidays) I don’t know if I can hang on anymore. I have evidence to provide the court, but I feel that me sticking around and doing this is just antagonizing them (daughters mom, nana) further and causing them to brainwash my daughter more. I don’t want to attribute to this more and am starting to realize that if I don’t get out soon, I’m going to be out of a job and in jail. These people are thoroughly convinced that they are right, that I am wrong and that they will do anything to see me hurt, including, but not limited to, hurting my daughter. As I said before, my girlfriend of 3 years has left me, I’ve lost almost 40 lbs, and have been self medicating. I’ve been to a therapist/counselor over this and it didn’t help. I love my daughter so much and it’s killing me that she is going through this, that her “mother” and nana can’t get over themselves to see what it’s doing to her. I’m tired. Tired of having to take a police escort to pick her up, tired of having to video tape her conversations with her mom over the phone, tired of having to carry a voice recorder on me all the time. Tired of fighting with my girlfriend over this. I’m tired of putting my daughter through this. The more I fight to save her, the worse they act. The mom has just recently been engaged to a guy she’s been seeing for a while. I only found this out because my daughter mentioned it and I confirmed it on Facebook. The mom still has not told me. My daughter loves her fiancee. I’ve been heavily considering signing my rights over so he can adopt her and they can raise her how they want, because my influence is just going to confuse my daughter, and the result will still be the same.
She will still act like them, regardless if I’m in the picture or not.
My attorney told me that 9/10 cases go the same:
Establish paternity
File for rights
Mother freaks out
File contempt
Mother straightens out
End of story.

Mine was the 1/10:
Established paternity
Filed for rights
Mother freaks out
Mother accuses abuse
Nana accuses abuse on me and girlfriend
Mother and nana accuse molestation to hospital
Mother and nana refuse court ordered visitation
Mother and nana brainwash my daughter
Nana verbally assaults me and girlfriend while waiting for daughter to get ready
Mother leaves nasty voice mail asking to speak to daughter
(mothers allowed one call per day, this was call 6)
Nana leaves nasty voice mail threatening that if daughter doesn’t call mother in 30 minutes, someone is going to be knocking on my door.
Crazy aunt shows up at my house the next morning, then proceeds to drive around the block 3 times, even while the police are there taking my report.

I could go on and on and on, but frankly, I’m tired of going over this story from start to finish every day of my life.
I can’t enjoy being around my daughter anymore because of the 3 years of stress and anxiety her mom has put me through. I don’t enjoy waking up like I used to. I’ve been in touch with suicide hotlines and depressions forums, counseling, prescribed anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, self-medicating, the works. I can’t do it anymore. I have lost who I once was, and not in a good way. While I love my daughter, every time I see her she’s beginning to look like someone else, a stranger. I feel like a babysitter instead of a parent getting their time. I feel it is in my daughters best interest in the long run to be adopted by her future step-father.
lovelydaysareahead

24. Aug, 2011

YOU GO tiRED OF ABUSE LADY,, trust me people,, if you DO NOT GET AWAY FROM THESE PROPLE,, they can possibly provoke you to snap!! Possibly suicide, harm to others or the one who is a narssisist.. MY MOTHER IS AN EVIL NARS,, AND I TELL YOU,, IT IS UNBELIEVABLE<,,, I READ MATTHEWS 10:30- 36,, and it made me feel ten times better
tricia

28. Aug, 2011

After 8 years with a man and I have a 3 yr old daughter and a 8 yr son too. I have finally broke down and thought I was crazy. Til I started researching on interned. I have went through some sick things. I gained to much weight, so i lost weight. I clean the house everyday and do everything right, I feel like a slave. And from cleaning everyday and scrubbing walls to cleaning floors, he will come home from work and say what did you do all day and i start to have anxiety cuz I busted my butt all day along with taking care of 2 kids. I never hold a job cuz my jobs are never good enough. If it rains and we get water in barement, its my fault. If a drain gets clogged, its my fault. it comes down to it everything is my fault. There are things that is his fault and its still my fault. I lefted him multiple times and he lured me back in thinking he changed. My kids do not respect me, they never listen to me, they do wrongful to me. My son is starting to beat up me and his little sister. When dad comes home i see my kids eyes shine and look up to him and listen to him, recently learning why, my kids see how there dad treats me so they do and they think he is king and does no wrong cuz he brainwashes my kids. Hes did alot more to me where I am so stuck, Im so hurt. Then I think of the good memories and I am fed up. 8 years of from getting beat with a belt to coffee tables upsetted to so much more. Its not so much physical abuse anymore, its the verbal and emotonal abuse. I am right and he sends me to ground and then I think it is me, ive been to doctors, im dealing with alot and am a mess. Im gona try to get out soon. Hes always had me feeling that no man will ever want me or my kids. Hes been cheating alot, looking for women yet he still manages to make me miserable and feel like rotten crap. I told him we both know that this isnt going to work and if he really loved me to let me go and help me get out but its like he has NO heart, and NO feelings like when I first met him. He says he can do what he wants but I cant. His friends are beginning to be before me and my kids. Its just plain awful and the storiy will just get even more sick and twisted. Im completely falling apart and I LOVE MY KIDS TO DEATH cuz they cant help it with having a dad like that but this time when I leave with my kids im getting a PFA and no visitations cuz i lefted for 6 mos before and when my kids would start behaving better hed come for them to take a few days and when they come back its horrible. Hes lefted me without shampoo and conditioner for 2 days, HE HAS MONEY and tells me he is broke, he has alot of money and is so cheap, my kids needed school clothes and my mother had to buy the school clothes. He tells me if i dont have sex with him I cant have a car. I have depended on this man for like 8 years. I was 18 when I met him and am 26 now.
Joe

31. Aug, 2011

Hello Mayor, man, I know exactly how you feel. Have been going through this the last 5 years. My daughter will be 17 soon. She hasnt been to my house since January, telling me she just needed some time. These people moms/dads that do this to our children are sick people.

I do see my daughter, I go to her job once a week just to say hello, but I understand what you said. She is turning into a stranger. Someone I no longer know. I know I do not trust her, but also I do love her.

I have no answers to this, I dont expect to have a relationship with my adult daughter. I only had one child and too old to have another. I am learning to become a new person one small step at a time. I no longer view myself as a father, simply a man. So trying to look for any bright spots, this gives me a chance to recreate myself. Find out stuff. I know it sounds silly but it is really all I can do.

BTW, your attorney lied to you. There is a very good % of times in divorce that one parent will turn the kid against the other. There are too many web sites, books and heartbreak out there for me to believe anything else.

I hope you can find some peace in your life, as I do for all who wrote. For me, I am tired of being a victim and am taking back control of my life.
StressOverload.....

08. Sep, 2011

OMG… This is my exhusband…for sure….. I have been divorced from the boys dad 10/11 years….. We had the Picture Perfect, family…. and house with a fence…. Not….OMG, he was horrible… and when the boys came it was even worse…. then to find out later I had postpartum depression affter my second son.. and also got way to overmedicated on Psyc Medications, due to all the labels they wanted to through at me…hell I knew I wasn’t right and I was gonna snap… Oh, yeah, I was in the mediation process of the divorce…. Man… looking back, I can’t beleive I gave in…. However, he had the financial means and the natural ability to be truly evil and break someone down, like they just wanted life to stop.. I mean I really didn’t have a reason to live anymore, accourding to my, ex, just ask him… God, every time he talks and demands stuff, he acts as doors and crap are to open for him..he who knows it all and hold the special degree in the hot topic at hand…
So during this entire emotional hell.. 2 Alcoholic treatment centers,( i thought my drinking was the problem.) One trip to the psyc ward. ( This was per Doc. (finally a second opinion to check out my meds.) he said he didn;’t feel safe for me to come off all them at once without monitoring.He actually couldn’t believe I was still able to breath air with all the meds. Man my ex had a hayday with this one.. Actually so did my own attorney…. now not only was i scum to my ex my own attorney and family thought the same….I had enough… I couldn’t sit and listen to anymore… The only thing that really stands out is I faught tooth and nail for spending the day with them on their birthdays… His attorney jumps in and says well thats gonna be everyother… cause really what is the big hold up on this issue, you’ll just alternate, I cried back, Excuse me mam… I can safley assume you never gave birth??? You will never know the big deal untill you experience it….tears flooded my face….I was bancrupt… Were do I sign?? I want it done…. That day I was lifeless to stand up for myself and it was the end of the evil fight for my children was over… Just a sheep ass grin is all he could do…. More later, gotta get kids… love this forum
stressoverload

08. Sep, 2011

Chapter 2… no, really, I am truley thankful to know that I am not alone with insanity, attached to kids… Man I’m just glad there’s a name for it…. I did manage to get back on my feet… It took me moving almost out of State… I left on a mission… I wanted to fill the emptyness inside to be a better mom to my children. After alot of sole searching and multiple times of reading Co-dependent No More and the Book two. I was finally able to learn who I really was…. and find out I am a pretty ok person…. I traveled every other weekend snow or not…Sometimes all the way if the ex was in a mood. I did this for 5 years… In this five years I was introduced to the father in which I was in search for my entire life.. I was given the opportunity to know just how much a forgiving fathers love felt like… I loved the lord enjoyed my children and even loved myself.. I honestly know I am extremly blessed to experience the ability to honestly find myself and a loving god and realize I am forgivable. I could of never made it without my boys dad live in girlfriend…. When I left I asked her to promise me she would love and take care of my babies.. if she was unable I would have never went… she agreed to the promise… I know they were showered with love and often reminded of the love in which I have for them. Man sounds like a happy ending…. NOT, my heart just wasn’t right cause it was impossible to make ballgames and weekends.. I had to move back… Wow, little did I know that would change my life forever…. I just want to say these stories keep me going and allow me to know that cramped up in this apt caring for a sick mother, feeling as if just falling fast asleep and never waking would be to easy… I know Im no longer alone….
ImissMYSON

27. Sep, 2011

I have read all of these comments and my hearts pours out to each and everyone of you as with most my situtation is much like yours. So here it goes My ex and I divorced he did not want the children never er=ver tried for custody he had too much on his plate… I raised 3 children yes he paid his child support (but as much as he would like to think that 200 aweek ) for 3 children paid for all… hmmm no it didnt I NEVER raised his support just asked that he be in their lives all was good until his (as he says his BLOOD) son was born (he adopted my girls) as soon and our son reached the older age 8 then things started to change dramaticly he treated our girls like his slaves the oldest absolutly refused to see him and would not to this day tell me why(she is 27) then is started on our other daughter when she was 15 he did the same thing to her to my knowledge never physical but terrible horrific mental abuse which our son testified to this in the court of law to the judge and both attorneys.. she was told by the judge it was up to her if she went or not.. she went 1 other thime and she was mentally punded again and she never went back… I swaer on the life of my kids I NEVER told my girls not to go just that it was their choice. However as I read to my astonishment in all of the above According to the kids father It was all my doing… as we sat in court one day my ex and his evil evil instigater of all told me bashed me as we were waiting in the hall to go into court that I was worthless and you watch bitch He will be living with us and you will know how I feel cause YOU made the girls hate me…. OMG I could not believe this right in the hall in the COurthouse Mind you he has demeand me and my health to the FOC everytime and they never did anything… So then when my son went for summer break in 2010 June that was the last time I saw my son until we went into court for custody…That day I will NEVER forget August 2010 my ex his wife and her son the attorney and then my son my baby boy comes in ( he was 15 at the time I got up to give him a hug and just ask him if he wanted this. but when I went to get a hug that I so longed for my son turned his back to me … I could not believe it (mind you my son and I never had a arguement nothing he was ALWAYS the first to give Mom a hug when I was sick….. But not that day.. He was totally a different child that day and yes my ex and his wife stood there and Laughed outloud and said I told you so….. I was crushed my only son had at that point turned out just as I feared just like his father( thoughts ran thru my head OMG I never got to finish teaching my son how to treat a lady, How to be compassionate and so on thing he will NEVER learn from his father) But as hard as it was I aleays told all of the kids ” If you want to live with your father 1. be sure 2. dont do it out of anger. and 3 I will Never make you obide by a “visitation schedule” and that dark dark day I had to keep my words.and I did I just ask that I get to take my son to dinner and call him,( understand here that I always lets the kids go on my weekends if they wanted to see their dad..I never got in the way of hey this is going on can I take the kids as long as the kids were good with it I let them go) But here I am 1 year and 1 month to the day that I have yet get to speak with my baby boy, He has turned on me, his sisters ( which in a text told them no your not my sister your my HALF sisters) REALLY??? that is NOT how I raised him… My parents are in verry poor health and I have this sinking feeling that they will pass and my son will have to live with the regret that he never got to say goodbye or I love you…. as my health is not great I am so scared that I will never get that hug that I so long for before I go…. My heart breaks every day it longs for those magical hugs from my boy that only he was so giving to give when he was home…. I ache every day to hear those 3 most beautiful words: I love you Mum as I type this the tears just flowing I cant help but wonder does he think about me… do I cross his mind, Is he safe, Is he into drugs, Is he being bullied, How does he treat his girlfriend,,,I did not do the horrible things that his dad says I did I always taught my kids don’t ever do something to someone that you wouldn’t want done to you….People say dont take it into court Dont make or force him to come see you that will just make him more angry…. but I cant help but feel what if…. what if I dont and he thinks I dont care enough to try…. I call 2-4 times a week just to get hung up on… I leave messages never a call back and I even tried to talk to his father and got Hahahaha Good luck!!! So I am lost I dont know what to do I Thought about going to his school thought and thought and thought but my heart cannot bear having my only son my baby boy turn his back on me again… I just want to see his face as a Mom I will know in his eyes if he is ok.. But I cannot bear that hurt again… Help ME… Someone Help me I just dont understand We were All so ooo close and its gone……….. Thank You for your time.
ImissMYSON……..
HealingUnderGod'sSalvation

30. Sep, 2011

I am currently going through the same thing as many of you with not only my ex, but his new wife. I have begged and pleaded with them to not brainwash my two year old. But the more they see me hurting behind their actions, the more persistent they are at hurting me. I pray that the nightmare would end soon. Best wishes to ALL parents, and family members facing these types of issues. I pray that the children come out unscathed from these family draining events.
SOUL4REAL

05. Oct, 2011

“I made the biggest mistake in my life by leaving my children with their narcissistic father and grandmother”. “They wore their masks so well I didn’t know but after returning and the stories my daughter told me was unbelievable”. “The holy spirit came to me and said look up narcissistic,never heard of the word and I speak truth”. “After doing research on this matter I was blowed back from the information I got of the evil they loose on people”. “Now I’m in the fight of my life,my children are their father pawns he very manipulative”. “my children feel ashame and fearful of life and the grandmother was always talking negative to them about me and my family”. “The father’s family are all narcisistics from generations,the great great grandmother had to be put in a mental institution”. I’ve just found this out and they keep alot of secrets.” “I’m afraid to think of all the things they might have done because the father took advantage of me as a child”. “It sicken me just the though of finding out all of this and sometime I feel I slept with the “DEVIL”! “Today I’m a born again christian and with the help of the “LORD JESUS CHRIST” my children are going to make it,I no longer deal with them and I’m thankful to “GOD” he kept his hands on my children and I”. “Praise God”!!! “My prayers goes out to any and all families who are dealing with this crisis in their lives”.
U

09. Oct, 2011

Since I was able to talk, my mother hated me and spent her life making everyone in the family treat me the same way. I just found out after counseling 4 years ago that I was a gifted child, only 6 out of every 1000 people have the same sort of combinations of giftedness. My mother is the dumbest person I’ve even known, except for my sister who is just as dumb, just as abusive and just as unstable and just as purely evil as my mother, with even more vigor, since she’s younger than my mother is these days..

I remember my mom teaching me how to make biscuits in abt the 2nd or 3rd grade. since she had already made me her kitchen cleanup slave. But my dad, at dinner time commented that my biscuits were better than mom’s biscuits. He was the only one in the family who ever treated me with love and this was just his way of congratulating me on a job well done and his approval of my biscuits. Well, my mother didn’t speak to anyone in the house for the next 3 days… maybe even a week!

This was typical. This was her way of controlling everyone and if they said something nice to me, they were punished. She never taught me to cook anything else. Probably because she knew that everything I did, I did well, and I would outshine her, even in cooking. However, when I’d have a great idea or suggestion for a solution (I loved solving problems), or I’d do something great, she would say “you think you’re so smart dont you?” Well you’re not. Just get over there and do the dishes and show me how smart you are!”

I remember the singsongy taunt from all my 3 brothers and 1 sister forever saying to me, “You think you’re so smart, but you’re not!” It’s forever etched in my mind. They spent their entire lives ganging up on me to take everything I said, did or was, to turn it into mush. Yet my mother would tell my dad that he had to treat us all equally. and she would always tell people to not even give me the satisfaction of knowing that anything I did was good, or that I looked pretty or that my poetry was excellent, that my piano playing was nice, etc.

A child should be nourished and cared for and loved and accepted from the tenderest age. I was despised and rejected and well acquainted with sorrow and grief for 50 years. A child should be encouraged but I can not remember one time that I was encouraged, except that time my dad tried to tell me I made good biscuits. And that was taboo. Instead I was constantly discouraged. When I needed help, my siblings would do everything they could to NOT help me. If I was so smart, I should figure it out for myself! I heard this all my life.

Can you imagine a gifted child growing up in a hateful family like this? Can you imagine how hopeless it was. Still today I don’t know how I coped with that kind of prison, except for my dad who loved me and taught me about God, my Father in heaven that also loved me.

My mother is evil personified and the worst part of all is that the whole family went to church everytime the doors opened all through my childhood and I grew up tolerating this hatefulness and thinking that I was raised in a Christian family! I used to confront her and my brothers and sisters when they would treat me hatefully, and tear up anything I ever said or did. I’d remind them that God is watching them and hearing all the hate and spitefulness they’d spew. This made them hate me more.

I’d tell dad what they did that day, when he’d get home from work, and he would make things right. But it got old because it was every day, every minute, every hour, and my mother would make her excuses to minimalize how they;d always gang up on me to tear me down. She’d tell him “all brothers and sister fuss and fight” to normalize the bullying and gang mentality that I had to suffer an entire life with. They would hate me more for telling daddy on them and the next day it would just be worse.

I would ask daddy why, in church we hear that God is love and we should love each other, but here at home I never feel like they love me. He would try to get to the bottom it but my mom, who’s father is the devil, had all of his lies neatly packed and ready in her brainwashing tool kit, to pull out and use constantly to diffuse the pure evilness of her hateful and consistant abusive treatment towards me.

I grew up thinking this was a normal family, even a normal Christian family, and that I was loved there. I went away to college and boys fell head over heels in love with me, but it was too smothering. I didn’t know what love was, and I think I must’ve wanted someone to abuse me but whatever this was, it just wasnt the love I had grown to know, and it was too much. They’d ask me to marry them, but I wouldn’t even give them enough hope to present me with a diamond, because I really liked them loving me but I didn’t love the way they loved me too much. I don’t think I was capable of loving them back. I was very distant, and they were too close and wanting to get closer, and I was used to the distant love (which was actually hate) that 5 out of 6 members of my family loved me with.

I wanted to find a guy like my dad, but there were none. They all wanted sex, and my dad had already prepared me for the way boys would think, so I kept my distance. I had places to go, people to see, things to do and I didn’t have time to settle down with one guy and get married, after finally getting out of the lap of my family, and I told them so.

Well, out on my own, I’d go home for holidays and always get more abuse. Always go back for more… why? “because it’s
family”, people would say. But nothing ever changed, I had no confidence in myself, because they had beaten it out of me, I was highly intelligent but didn’t even know it, and I would always chose someone that would abuse me when I needed help in any way.

My brothers would laugh at me if I asked them for help with my house. One of them told me, “You need to get a life, we all have a life and we don’t have time or desire to help you with yours.”

Funny though, a couple years later, in a Thanksgiving day dinner conversation, when I said I was going to put together my will and I knew they didn’t care about my 2 rental houses I’d bought, but I’d been thinking about how to put them in my will. The same brother that told me I needed to get a life, when I asked for help with my houses, piped up and told me he would love to end up with my rental houses, so I could leave them to him. HA! That was a pretty clear message, that as long as I was alive he wouldn’t lift a finger to help me maintain them but if I was dead, he’d be just fine with it!
Amazing! And this is the brother that is so religious about going to church he makes me puke with his hypocracy. He also believes that because I told them I had been reading my bible, the NEW King James Version, he says that if I wasn’t reading the King James Version, then I’m not reading the bible at all. That it’s all lies? What a lunatic, What a brood of vipers!

My other brother, is just as bad. When I told them that I had gotten counseling at my church, and learned the truth about my upbringing. That my dad was probably unequally yoked with an unbeliever, my evil mother, and that all my siblings imulated her and they all collectively abused, despised and rejected me all my life. But that in counseling I learned that GOD”S LOVE is NOTHING like that crap that my mother and siblings pretended to the world to know about. I learned that I never received the love of God, and all I had to do was compare how they treated me with what the Bible says love is.

And this brother asked me who told me all this about my family and this so called abuse. And he asked me how many times I’d read the bible because he reads it once through each and every year. I told him I was reading my way through it for the first time and God was revealing all this truth to me after 50 years of suffering their abuse and mistreatment. He told me that I must not know the same God he knows. I concur. and that he reads it through each year and I was never abused and whoever is telling me this must be the devil. What a hypocrite!

He is the same brother that when we were little and I was in about the 2nd or 3rd grade, when I told my dad that I needed glasses, he jumped up to drag down what I’d said and told dad that I didn’t need glasses that I just WANTED them because one of my friends got them. That was a TOTALLY fabricated LIE straight from the PITS OF HELL, no friend of mine had gotten glasses, but he did his evil and in effect told everyone that I was a liar and I’m sure mom told daddy something that caused me to never get glasses either, because I was never even taken to get checked for glasses until I was through with elementary school and starting 8th grade in High School.

Well, this goes on and on and on and that day when I told my family the truth I’d discovered about them through counseling and by holding up what they had kept in the dark all these years to the light of God’s word, that same brother, jumped in to drag down what I said, and told me that I WAS loved and we were all loved equally! What a hypocrite, what a fool, what a brood of vipers! My evil mother brainwashed everyone in our family to repeat her devils lies as their mantra, to keep from ever being held accountable for the evil they had all committed! Now days, bullying is a criminal offense and I suffered with my own family ganging up and bullying me all my life. But they won’t even admit that ANYTHING they ever said or did to me was anything but pure unadulterated love and we are a wonderful Christian family!

Then they turned the news of my counseling into another excuse for their actions. They decided amongst themselves that I had gone crazy. I was now insane, something had snapped in my brain and put all these crazy thoughts in my head that somehow now I thought I had been abused all my life! BUt it never happened, I was delusional! Amazing, unbelievable that these liars can continue to lie and pretend and deceive after all those years of abuse!

Poor pitiful girl, finally went insane! We always hated her anyway.

My counselor says I’ve been through a lot. I suffered emotional abuse, mental abuse and spiritual abuse at the hands of my gang of family members. My whole world, The place where I should have felt love, acceptance and worth, I could never feel the significance, security or satisfaction that God intends for a child to be raised in. How could a mother be so evil, and then to multiply her hatred and evilness by 4 other members of the family and not feel any remorse for her actions?

I thank God I have my father today who loves me and stands up for me and that he introduced me to my heavenly Father when I was 3 years old, because HE is what saw me through it all! Now, God is healing me and He wants me whole, so that I can help others. I just finished the course last Friday, in starting a nonprofit and I plan to have it up and running by next year. I will be helping others who have suffered through life and need counseling and healing to help them become whole. I plan to use the art of restoration as a tool to relate to the process of renewal and restoration of our individual lives.
David A

14. Oct, 2011

Here is a video of my experience with spousal abuse and parental alienation. I was married to someone who I knew had a high-conflict personality, but I was completely blindsided by what happened during our divorce. I hope others will learn from my experience and will take measures to protect their children before it’s too late. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks.

Warning, strong language.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJDsruc-xxg
lenny

22. Oct, 2011

my father is a textbook narcissist he shouts on a daily basis about petty little things like wearing shoes in the hall or not washing up instantly after dinner etc however he is an utter hypocrite on these issues.
I am 22 i would like to move out however I’m too poor to do so and despite being a talented electrical and mechanical engineer i cant get employment in these sectors as i am only qualified as an actor, why an actor? because i chose to use my one shot at further education to attempt to synthesize at least some kind of social skills as he has utterly failed to teach me how to interact with the world.
whenever i confront him with my feelings however politely i approach the issue he either flatly ignores me or if i push a little flies in to a melodramatic rage and tells me to fuck off (as in move out).
its a great source of sadness in my life i know he wont change and yet he is my father i only have one after all, i kid myself that he is not beyond redemption.
i find my self in a position with no self worth and i cant even earn it from a loving girlfriend as it inevitably renders me unattractive and awkward.
i feel i need to prove myself as a worthy man not just beyond all reasonable doubt but beyond all unreasonable doubt as well.
i hope to join the army in part as i like engineering also because it is a meritocracy yes if i am lazy and disinterested i will be punished but if i work hard in my duties i will be rewarded the rules are clear and the goalposts wont constantly shift
Phil L

23. Oct, 2011

Hi all, unfortunately my children are a victim of this type of person too. When I try to talk to my daughter’s they tell me about how I “screwed over” their mother. They want to discuss how i supposedly blew the family’s money and that’s why their mother has nothing.
Talk about transference of anger issues. My kids don’t want anything to do with me at present, although they have not identified any issues with their child hood, they allege or mention no abuse mental or physical, they see me as a bad person.
I’ve had health issues, that stressed everyone in the family including me. It’s horrible that a person who dumped me and moved away while I was in a hospital recovering, could get custody of the children and then brainwash them so badly, but it happened.
I have been robbed, dumped and slandered, all with the court’s sanction. In the end I blame myself though, I should have seen this person coming. The signs were there in the beginning. If I had been the one to walk away when we were dating, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache.
I urge any and all, who have any doubts whatsoever about a romantic partner, in regards to the kind of selfishness being discussed here, to run, not walk away from such a person.
As the relationship progresses, you will realize your mistake, but if kids, are involved, you have set a huge trap for yourself. You either must live with the selfish/psychotic person, or suffer the inevitable parental alienation that is to come.
Thanks for the forum.
Sue

23. Oct, 2011

My 40 year old son is a narcissist. He divorced his wife and didn’t want the children. Then when his son showed exceptional ability in baseball and scouts came around to look at him he decided he wanted custody. He poisoned my grandson against my ex daughter in law and he actually became cruel with his mother and sister. My son use to twist my arms , wrist, bend back my fingers and back me against the wall when he didn’t get his own way. He left black and blue marks on my arms and screamed at me constantly. Now my grandson is acting the same way. It is so hard to watch. My son has disowned his father, me, my daughters and the rest of the family. When people try to reason with him, he attacks them and moves on to a new group of people. My heart aches for my ex daughter in law.
Laurie

26. Oct, 2011

Phil L, I think you took the words right out of my mouth,about its either live with them,or suffer what is to come. I knew my ex was gonna be impossible,but it seems he just never can get enough. Just when I think he can stoop no lower,he does. I’ve been completly failed by family court,and its obvious all the things that have went his way,(I mean unheard of) ,its corruption and it is reality,he has the money and his lawyers in family court,infact he dosent have to pay much,his IS his cousin! the lawyer i struggled to save up to pay for failed me.I’d be typing for days to even get half of my story on here,but I have evidence of many things during this 8mths. on video,on paper,and just nothing,nobody helps,its like he is getting treatment like he is the judge,,and it swells that ego,yet he wants more. I feel I cant trust anyone now,and Im not paranoid,Im just not nieve anymore.
Meagan Adams

26. Oct, 2011

I do feel sorry for fathers that have truly been alienated from their kids, but there are also a lot of good mothers out there who have been abused and are simply trying to protect the child, but are then accused of “parental alienation.”

My own daughter didn’t want anything to do with her father, despite my efforts to foster their relationship. He then removed himself from her life, then showed up one day and pissed her off. She decided not to talk to him anymore and now I have been accused of parental alienation! The judge believed his lies, and completely dismissed anything I said (the truth).

Sadly, I do see in the news how abusive men are being awarded custody of children who want nothing to do with them.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is that if a child does not like or want to be around one parent, that doesn’t mean they’ve been alienated. Most judges these days need to (but are failing to) take into consideration the fact that there may be a VERY good reason why a child doesn’t want to be around one of their parents.

Children aren’t stupid and usually are pretty capable themselves of choosing the “happy” household over the unhappy one. My daughter is an example of that.

Also, my boyfriend’s children choose him over their mother even though she has majority custoday. Once again, just proof that children are capable of choosing the parent that is a better parent anyway. Too many abusers and getting away with this “parental alienation” stuff.
Eloise Beda

29. Oct, 2011

An Abusive Mother’s hatred for her daughter is overwheming. This is killing the loving and caring Father. Her abusive nature has separated the Father from his Family. What scares me the most is….. that Her abusive nature is showing up in my young son’s personality.

Brainwashing Children

The narcissistic parent

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