Evidence from afar that your child is being brainwashed against you

Posted on 08. May, 2011 by admin in Brainwashing, Exposing the methods

When you’re the noncustodial parent, days and weeks go by without you being around your child or children. During this time the custodial parent– your ex– who’s hell-bent on sabotaging your relationship with your child has ample opportunity to do so.

There are some strong signs that appear in most brainwashing households. You can’t be there in person to observe all the things said, the lies told, or the subtle put-downs, so you will have to look elsewhere– to the telephone, cellphone, text messages, and emails.

The openness and normalcy of the electronic communications with your child is in most cases directly related to the level of mental abuse taking place in the other house. Evidence that your child is being coached and lied to include:

Your child is flat or sad when he or she gets your phone call
Your ex is often heard speaking to your child in the background (and your child will frequently cover up the phone with his or her hand)
Your phone calls are not returned, either most of the time or never
Cellphones you buy for your kid are rarely if ever used to call you, but used routinely to contact your child when he or she is with you
No calls on your birthday or Father’s/Mother’s Day, and rarely or never a card or e-card
Your child asks you questions inappropriate for their age– whether about legal matters, a visitation still months away, or other things kids don’t normally think about or know about, etc.
Your child is used as a messenger for discussions that should be reserved instead for your ex and you
Your child complains about his or her last visit
You rarely or never get a call, email, or text out of the blue from your child
Your child claims out of the blue that “I don’t want to see you”
Your child seems unable to echo any “I love you’s”
Your child refers to you by your first name
Your ex refers to you when speaking to your child in the background by your first name
Your child will say “Why haven’t you called me” when in fact you’ve tried reaching him or her and had even left voicemails
You rarely get an acknowledgement of any cards of presents sent

How to fight this? The short answer is to call your child on a regular basis (once a week, twice a week, etc), and stick to it. Also send texts and emails, even super short ones, when you think of your child. If you’ve been unable to get through to speak to him or her, make sure you let them know that you’re excited to finally reach them. If you’ve left a voicemail, ask them “So did you get my voicemail?” That way, if they didn’t (as is likely), they’ll realize that you did reach out to connect with them. Older kids will even figure out on their own that a parent is withholding messages from them.

The big picture, of course, is to get the child into counseling. Even call Child Protective Services if your child’s emotionally wrecked. Make sure you document everything– to include tape recording phone calls (if legal in your state), logging all the times you’ve tried to reach your child, etc.

If your child custody decree doesn’t mention anything about telephonic or electronic access, then consider hiring an attorney who can make a “motion to modify” the decree. Some decrees include specific hours whereby your ex must make your child contactable. That way if your ex doesn’t comply, he or she could face the wrath of a judge.

It’s a very difficult thing to have to suffer through month after month after month, with the only let-off being when you have possession of your child. But hang in there. Keep a steady flow of calls, emails, and texts to your brainwashed child. One day your child will see the “unhappy” parent for who she is, and your consistent actions at reaching out will be rewarded in 95% of cases.

Tags: Brainwashing, distance, evidence, noncustodial, parent

12 Responses to “Evidence from afar that your child is being brainwashed against you”

hrtbrkndaddy

13. Jul, 2011

I am only growing more and more concerned after having read evet article on this site.
I know that for years my child has been told that I was the bad guy and I have each time just simply reminded my child that I love her and so does her mother.
Recently though we started custody proceedings, the temporary order gives me less then standard visitation and more time to teardown, manipulate and destroy my child.
Although I am used to, without me ever asking her, my child telling/asking me, “Why, didn’t you want me when I was born? Well, Mom always has to make you the bad guy. Mom hates you.” I AM TERRIFIED WITH MY EX’S NEW TACTIC, which is my ex, her parents and her other children pounding my child with lie after lie, telling her things that I didn’t say, letting a 12 year old run unsupervised with her older siblings to high school & yes even college parties AND THE WORST ONE IS HER MOTHER HOLDING OUR DAUGHTER’S WANT TO SEE ME and THE PENDING CUSTODY CASE ON HER DEPRESSION and proof of her failure as a mother and if it were not for me doing this to them then she wouldn’t feel so hurt.
I just had my first visit with my child; she is extremely angry, digusted, sad, hurt, confused & shattered… My heart breaks for her. I just wish there was something I could do to help her and to protect her. Sadly, the Judge who hears these cases is old school, no matter how much proof father’s have, he believes that children always should be placed with the mother.
Tanya Smith

25. Jul, 2011

I have to say, it’s NOT ALWAYS the custodial parent that’s at fault. I have primary physical custody and joint legal custody of my daughter. Her dad and step-mother, whom she sees every other weekend and then some (b/c I try to work with him and make sure he can see her b/c I couldn’t imagine not seeing her oftem) They are always bad mouthing me to her and telling her lies like I love my other children more (she even hates her 3 year old brother now b/c of them) and they tell her to disobey my husband. The step-mother is always stepping on my toes and trying to be her mother and her father is always cussing at me or calling me horrible names when things don’t work out his way. I think, no matter who’s at fault or guilty of brainwashing the child needs to stop. It’s the child that it’s damaging most!!! Oh,and I am not the cliche custodial parent who, as the beginning of your article says, is “hell bent on sabotaging the relationship”. That’s horrible to assume all custodial parents are like that. Most times, it’s in the hands of a jugde to decide who the child’s best interest is with…. I work darn hard to make sure things are fair for my daughters father, even though they do this garbage to me….
David A

27. Oct, 2011

Fantastic advice. Thanks for posting this.
HRTBRKN Big Sister

10. Nov, 2011

my mothers ex husband has primary placement of my 3 siblings and my mom only has them every other weekend and their father and his girlfriend do everything in their power to mess with my moms relationship with the kids. they have already completely brainwashed one of my brothers and are working on the youngest. the oldest sees the error of his fathers ways and b/c of that they treat him like crap. the only reason he even has placement is because we live in a very very small town and he who has the money wins and their fathers girlfriend has money. it doesnt seem to matter what my mom does or how hard she fights things are just getting worse and worse all the time. she calls and texts and everything and nothing helps and she doesnt have the resources available to fight him anymore….. we just are at a loss for what to do anymore
Wit's end

13. Nov, 2011

I am in the middle of it right now. My sons live on Hawaii with their mother and two brothers, both from different fathers. Their mother has for years found any way or loophole she could to blockade interaction between me and my sons except when they wanted to see me. We had a standing visitation order and rules for telephone contact, about a year and a half ago she cut me off completely. I went to Hawaii after about 7 months of that just to put my eyes on the children to make sure they were ok. It is 11 months since that visit and I just got custody, because the judge decided that her behavior had gone on long enough. Now their big brother claims that they do not want to live with me, though I have not talked about it with them yet as I only got their mother’s cell phone number yesterday. Her latest “baby daddy” let me know that my two sons had come to him independently, crying and telling him that they wanted to come live with me. There is actually way more to this tale than I am telling.
as in she is pregnant again, by yet another man who has already figured out that she has serious mental issues.
I am about as dejected as I can possibly be, my wife and I are separated, and in no small part due to my Ex.
Was getting ready to go scoop them up, but knowing there will be resistance from them is heartbreaking and I am almost depleted emotionally. Can you recommend a course of action in addition to reading the book listed above?

I am on my own here.
kalamatai

19. Nov, 2011

Im dealing with it as well. I am the custodial parent of a five year old child. My ex and his wife have kidnapped my daughter two times in two years and have falsely accused her three older brothers of molestation to justify the kidnappings. My child is punished for referring to me as “mama”. But I continue to be nice to them anyway and always follow the court order put in place. It breaks my heart every time my child begs me not to send her to her dad’s and yet all I can say is that the judge says I have to.
Helen

06. Dec, 2011

I’m in the same boat. My son’s dad won custody of him in some miraculous way, and after two years of brainwashing, has finally succeeded in making my son hate me.
It’s beyond heartbreaking.
Does anyone have any success stories of brainwashed children who have come out ok as adults?
Thanks.
Good luck to all of you, my heart goes out to you all.
Name (required)

12. Dec, 2011

My Step son is 12 and his mom has been working on him his entire life. She does not follow the agreement, and the last time my husband went to pick up his son, he was met by the Grandfather’s fist. My step son wants nothing to do with us and when I tried to call him after months of not speaking, he would not talk at all. It breaks my hart the she is getting away with this and that he wants nothing to do with us. It was been ten years of hell with her, and all we can hope is that someday he realizes that he never had to “choose” My husband and I have a 6 year old and he is our main focus. It come down to hearts and minds, and my step son is old enough to tell the courts where he wants to be. It’s really hard to be rejected when you KNOW you are a good person, and a good parrent and you don’t deserve it.
justin

14. Dec, 2011

going through the exact same thing and after 11 years of fighting I have today called it a day. I have all the court orders you can get (and have paid grands for them and am grands in debt for them)but am finding out once a child is brainwashed there is very very little u can do
helpless

21. Dec, 2011

Well this blog doesn’t come with any shock. My husband and i have been in a custody battle for over 3 years now. His ex has had two lawyers and both have bailed on her. Our attorney now acts for both of us ….if that makes any sense. We have been over paying in daycare for over 7 years. $224. per month to be exact. We are emotionally and financially spent. We haven’t seen his daughter in 4 months and have no future date in mind. His ex decided to pull out all the cards and accuse him of sexual abuse and physical abuse. Included but not limited to verbal abuse on her as well. How do you fight a women or person who is out for blood? She wants the meal ticket payday and claims to want her daughter to have a relationship with her dad but when it comes to the brass tax…..oh no. Court gets continued due to lack of this or that……Judge is out to get us i guess. All the alligations made by her have been unfounded and dismissed as far as DCFS is concerned. But as far as the judge is concerned we aren’t able to see her still. Even after his daughter says she wants to come over and visit. Now what child do you know, if being abused, wants to visit with that parent? none that i know of. She’s a wonderful girl…has many issues now that have developed over the last few months…ironically the months that we haven’t been able to see her. It’s Christmas this weekend and we won’t even be able to see her. We are going to a therapist and are working hard to keep her head clear of any and all brainwashing/manipulating games her mom plays with her. If i had more time i’d write all night. I’m sure there are other parents out there that have it worse then us but it’s so blastin hard to face the judges judgement knowing he’s wrong. If only his eyes were to be opened and he could see what my step daughters mother is actually doing to her. Thanks for reading and good luck to all of you searching for answers.
frustrated mom

22. Feb, 2012

wit’s end id like to talk to you if possible, Hawaii issue going on 2 years… still in court
stay positive

22. Feb, 2012

Wit’s end- go get them. they need to know the truth and they need to know you care. she cant handle anymore and bit off way more than she can chew. counseling and lots of time with your kids, they will get through this or they will have to live like that forever and never know how t get the help they need. When i say they need to know the truth, its the truth about you. they will figure out things on their own in regards to their mom but let them make their own opinions. As much as it may have hurt you in the past and as easy as it may seem to become like your ex, don’t do it. it proves nothing and improves nothing.