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“MY son/daughter” vs. “OUR son/daughter”

Posted on December 11, 2013 by in Combating, Exposing the methods

One of the trademark expressions of an alienating parent is the use of the terms “my son,” “my daughter,” or “my kids.”

It’s as though the other half of the child is discarded, leaving only one parent (when in the context of mentioning the other parent, of course. On its own, “my son,” for example, is appropriate). And in an alienator’s mind, that’s exactly the case. They are the “good” parent, and the other is the “bad” or unworthy parent. They would never admit to co-parenting with their ex.

You will never, ever hear an alienator– on any level– use the term “our son/daughter/kid.” As to utter those words implies an importance and biological connection to the ex.

As the non-alienating parent, you should always use the correct term of “OUR son,” “OUR daughter,” or “OUR son” when speaking in reference to the ex.

 

Victimhood and Parental Alienation Syndrome

Posted on September 1, 2013 by in Brainwashing

“By seeing himself as a victim, a person is able to justify just about any kind of immoral action”

Parents that try to peel a child’s love away from an ex all have something in common: they view themselves as victims in the failed marriage or relationship. A parent who is going through a divorce or just went through one can either pick up the pieces, shoulder the hurt, and move on… or they can view themselves as an aggrieved party. The former tend to keep talk about the ex to a minimum, no matter what he or she did wrong or even maliciously.

The latter, however, set the stage for hostile action against their ex which includes turning the child on him or her. Called “Parental Alienation Syndrome” by most professionals (I’ve never liked this term, as a lie that one parent is not worthy of love is abuse— not a “syndrome”).

There is a direct correlation… the more a parent sees himself or herself as a victim, the greater the possibility that he or she will go after the child’s relationship with ex. And once they do, there is often no limit to their efforts. They will falsely accuse and malign everything associated with their ex, and will manipulate the child like a puppet. In short, they have little to no boundaries. They will spill anything damning– both truths and lies– into the child’s soul. So can you blame the child, who loves this parent unconditionally, for believing the messages being heard?

Sadly, there is no short term solution to you, the alienated parent. Sitting your child down and speaking factually about yourself and what’s going on will, in fact, usually backfire (except with teenagers, but you have to be careful). Long term, instead of using words, be yourself and use your actions to allow your child to see who you are. Over the course of a few years and long summers together (especially important for noncustodial parents), all the vicious lies and stories will begin to be questioned by the child. Consciously, subconsciously, or both. But you have to be patient– this is going to take years! But once this happens, the reversal of their hardened heart towards you will begin…

"You owe me"

Posted on August 4, 2013 by in Exposing the methods

High level brainwashers (parents actively campaigning to eliminate an ex from the child’s life) very frequently have a “You owe me” expectation once the child becomes an adult. How does this come about?

It’s simple.

High level brainwashers are hyper-selfish people who are experts in playing the victimhood card. They view parenting not only as an obligation but also a favor to their child, and expect something in return down the line. This is the ultimate form of entitlement. Moreover, they view the child as an extension of themselves, not as an autonomous human being. They’re clueless to the notion of,

“One’s child is not an extension, let alone a clone, of oneself” – Dennis Prager

The brainwasher’s thought as the child nears adulthood is, “How dare you leave me and live an independent life!” Any guesses on where this next leads? It leads to the parent heaping a heavy dose of guilt onto the child. And further victimhood status:

  • “You don’t love me anymore, that you would even consider moving away to New York”
  • “I gave you all of this, and now you’re going to love someone else?”
  • “I sacrificed the last two decades to raise you, and this is the thanks I get?”

In raising kids, these parents try to make themselves indispensable to the child, and have an entitlement mentality that eventually turns into “You owe me.” It’s completely unhealthy emotionally. Instead of turning to another adult for emotional support, this type of parent turns to the child, using him or her as an emotional confidant or spouse.

That’s the unfortunate thing about high level alienators. Their inappropriate enmeshment with their own child doesn’t cease upon the child’s entering adulthood. Rather, it kicks into new gear, centered around guilting the child for expressing and acting on his or her natural desire for independence. To these parents, this is a threat of the highest level imaginable– not being needed.

But what happens when the child, now an adult, resists such manipulation?

The alienating parent will do one of three things:

  1. Tell sob stories of how miserable they are (guilting the child), perpetuating their “victim” status
  2. Complain about the lack of respect their child is giving them (guilting the child)
  3. Write their child off completely (the ultimate act of guilting/vengeance)

Don’t underestimate the ability of a toxic, manipulative, brainwashing parent to wreak havoc on their adult children by playing the “You owe me” tactic.

Bonus: Adulthood is usually the time where these children become closer to the non-alienating parent, no matter how much damage was done by the brainwasher. The truth eventually comes out– always– and the brainwashing boomerang goes into effect.

High Level Brainwashers

Posted on July 18, 2013 by in Exposing the methods

There are degradations of parental alienation. The most severe type is perpetrated by High Level Brainwashers (HLBs).

These parents are ruthless in their efforts to eliminate their ex from the child’s life. They spend decades spinning tales of woe of what the ex did, labeling the ex every derogatory name imaginable, and doing everything possible to deny an ex physical access to “their” child.

Below is a list of the dominant characteristics and behaviors of HLBs:

  • They dwell on the sins of the past. They simply cannot forgive any past grievances and ‘move on.’
  • They are revenge-minded. They will commonly say things like, “I don’t get mad, I get even,” or “You’ll pay for this.” They have anger and aggression issues
  • They are deeply unhappy people. Overall happy and positive people don’t dwell on negatives or allow past wrongs to weigh them down
  • They have one or more psychological disorders. Bipolar, Munchausen by Proxy, or anxiety disorders
  • They are frequently on medications like antidepressants to stabilize their negative moods
  • They were abused or neglected as as children. The roots of an HLB’s bulldozing ways goes back to a dysfunctional childhood
  • They are extremely selfish people. They are bad listeners, first and foremost. They are capable of completely disregarding the welfare of the child if it suits their own needs
  • They view child as a possession. Ownership of and control of the child. They will micromanage the child’s life in the extreme
  • They abuse the child on other levels. HLBs frequently physically and/or sexually abuse children as well. In short, they have no boundaries.

There is one final trait of the truly worst HLBs, and that’s the narcissistic parent. I didn’t include it in the list because only a sliver of the high level brainwashers are narcissistic. And these parents are the absolute worst abusers, and are true evil-doers at their core. They all lack a conscience. Read this article on the narcissistic parent.

HLBs are professionals at wrecking parent-child relationships. They are masters at turning their perceived victimhood into manipulative lies intent on destroying their own child’s love for the other parent. This mental child abuse that causes lasting scars, even when the child does one day realize the fraud and lies perpetrated onto them. 

Top actions of an alienating parent

Posted on March 12, 2013 by in Exposing the methods

  • Doesn’t inform you of upcoming school activities (especially unexpected ones)parental alienation is child abuse
  • Expresses no enthusiasm for fun events you’re doing with the child (vacations, amusement parks, etc)
  • Limits child’s cellphone and computer usage, so you’ll rarely get a call, text, or email
  • Refers to you by your first name in their home (Dad becomes “David;” Mom becomes “Julie”)
  • Accomplishes a post-visitation shakedown, extracting as much info as possible to find negatives
  • Hands the phone directly to the child when you call, avoiding even civil conversations with you
  • Pops anti-depressant pills (as many have a history of depression)
  • Able to hold resentment towards young, innocent children (ie, your children from another marriage)
  • Never calls you when the child is sick or taken out of school
  • Teaches the child adult things to tell you, such as “I don’t feel comfortable about the duration of our summer visitation, Dad”
  • Teaches the child how to despise or hate another human being
  • Labels themselves the “good” parent; labels you the “bad” parent
  • Tells the child false stories about their childhood
  • Tells the child in vivid detail how he or she was victimized by you (while taking no blame at all for the divorce)
  • Teaches the child how to lie to you (coating their little hearts with false malice and scorn)
  • Diminishes your extended family’s worth
  • Neglects to have the child call you for your birthday, on New Year’s Eve, or other important dates
  • Refuses to help the child reach and call/email/mail cards on relatives’ birthdays on your side of the family tree
  • Uses child’s cellphone as a leash
  • Rarely if ever a call to you on Father’s Day or Mother’s Day on behalf of child
  • Never gets the child excited about seeing you
  • Reminds the child of all that he or she will be missing while with you and away from them
  • Inflicts his or her unhappiness onto the child (as alienators are deeply unhappy people)
  • Attempts via a lawyer to reduce visitation to that even below family court minimum standards
  • Takes the child out of state without a peep, while demands precise details whenever you travel with them
  • Monopolizes the child’s time for hours on the phone (if you let them)
  • Views any event in the child’s life– a distant Aunt’s birthday, a friend’s birthday, etc– as more important than their time with you
  • Teaches the children from their current marriage to despise you
  • Informs children of alienator’s plans for them past 18 (you’ll go to college at X, and will stay here with me)
  • Is jealous of anything fun and memorable you do with the child (as they view the good times as a threat)
  • Gripes about things you’re doing as a parent to the child, but says nothing to you about it
  • Has outbursts around the child (extremely dramatic ones)
  • Lacks a filter, spilling any adult topic into the child’s head

The de-identification of a child’s own parent

Posted on February 21, 2013 by in Exposing the methods

Two extremely unfortunate but common tactics an alienating parent will use to further damage the child’s connection to the targeted parent is to:

  • Teach the child to call the targeted parent by their first name
  • Eliminate the targeted parent’s last name

Teach the child to call the targeted parent by his/her first name only
This is very common. The aggrieved, victimized (in his or her eyes), brainwashing parent can’t stand the thought of the targeted parent being in the child’s life. So since labels and words matter so much in a child’s world, a quick way to devalue that parent is to label them by their first name. Not “Daddy,” and not “Mommy.”

This is destructive to a child’s soul, as now they’ve stopped having a Mom or Dad to address (of course, that label will be used on the alienator’s new spouse if they have one). Since what kids label becomes their reality, over time this causes their feelings to become at minimum muted towards this “Justin” or “Christine.” Imagine calling your own mother “Christine” for years, and never muttering the words “Mommy…”  do you think you’ll have the same feelings towards someone who’s not being labeled your mother?

It’s yet another way of instilling false feelings in children, and it’s abusive.

Eliminate the targeted parent’s last name
Another unfortunate effort by an alienating parent is to eliminate or modify the child’s last name. Of course, we’re talking wiping out or dropping the targeted parent’s last name.

So Elizabeth Tracey Smith, whose father’s last name is Smith, is taught to stop using Smith and substitute the mother’s maiden name, Johnson, instead.

Or John Paul Warren-Stevens, whose mother’s last name is Stevens, is taught to drop Stevens.

Some parents even teach their children that once they’re 18 that they can legally drop the targeted person’s last name.

In my case, my son’s name was modified by the judge to have two last names. When I brought a hearing before the judge showing that my son is being encouraged to not write his last name anywhere (with lots of evidence, including testimony and actual school homework and folders), unfortunately the judge (Judge Gary Coley in Waco, Texas) didn’t care about my concerns and ignored my pleas. So today my son, if his name were George Herbert Walker Bush, has an effective name of George Herbert Walker. My last name,”Bush“, has been eliminated from everything.

How to effectively respond to a de-identification campaign
De-identifying a parent is the cornerstone the parents who are brainwashing their child to get revenge at an ex. If you’re on the receiving end of these techniques, here’s what you need to remember:

1. Do not allow your child to call you by your first name. You don’t allow him or her to use profanity, do you? No difference here. It’s profane to call your own parent by his or her first name.

2. Ensure that your child is using his or her legal last name at school and at sports activities. Speak to the teachers and principal and let them know that you’re concerned that your child is not writing his or her last name correctly.

Do not go heavy on your child with the last tip, as they will just hunker down and resent you further. Use the school to enact the change… not the child.

 

 

 

Powerful example of how to talk to your child about visitation with your ex-spouse

Posted on January 12, 2013 by in Videos

The following is a clip from the Dennis Prager Radio Show. Dennis talks about parental alienation, and plays for his views a powerful exchange between a woman and her daughter (from the TV show Desperate Housewives).

The daughter doesn’t want to see her Dad as she’s being dropped off. However, her mother gets composed and gives an excellent example of how to talk to your child about an ex-spouse– even one she is angry at.

Dennis Prager says after the clip:

Unfortunately, tragically, sadly, it is not what a lot of Moms say to their sons or daughters if they’re angry about a divorce.”

(He does mention that fathers alienate children as well, but that he’s referring to this specific dialogue in the film)

The most gripping part of the exchange occurs after the car door closes. The daughter runs towards her Dad…

This is a testament to the power of a parent’s words to their children. If a parent expresses encouragement about seeing the other parent, children naturally follow this lead (even if there has been some badmouthing up to that point).

If every parent acted this way at exchanges, there would be a whole lot less abused children in the country.

 

Dennis Prager quotes on Parental Alienation

Posted on January 10, 2013 by in Brainwashing

  • “There are subtle ways and overt ways of alienating a child from a parent, but either way it’s evil”
  • “I do think that the badmouthing and alienating of a child from a parent is one of the few unforgivable sins. I do think those people will have to answer to God who will say, “You allowed your anger to destroy the relationship of your child to the other parent? Isn’t that why I gave you a conscience?”
  • “Badmouthing your ex-spouse rips the child apart”
  • “Changing a child last name (away from the father’s) is an act of venom”
  • “Alienators think they’re a victim, and when you think you’re a victim, moral rules don’t apply to you”
  • “I can’t think of a greater single vehicle to goodness and a better world than if everyone battled their own natures”
  • “I don’t understand how any person could humiliate a spouse”
  • “A lot of women do a lot of harm because they don’t control their emotions. But in terms of violence, men seem to have a monopoly”
  • “Nothing is as contagious as unhappiness”
  • “The badmouthing of the other spouse does not come to be good for the badmouther in the long run”
  • “If what this woman (view clip) said was said by all Moms and Dads to their children with regard to the other parent, there would be so much more harmony in this country”
  • “For many people, there is an additional battle they have to wage– with their natural tendency to be angry. One prevalent example is the angry mother or father who poisons his/her children against the other parent after a divorce, thereby often irreparably damaging both the children and the other parent”

Mothers capable of hating a child

Posted on October 1, 2012 by in Exposing the methods

Mothers are generally quite nurturing, and the easiest way to melt their heart is through a child. Even the most jaded of mothers will smile when a child does something cute. A mother’s instinct is to care for, love, and protect children– even a child they don’t even know.

However, there is a type of mother who is capable of displaying actual contempt and hatred towards a child (even one they claim they love).

All children act out at times, some worse than others, but a normal mother is able to separate the behavior of the child from the child’s core. So a rambunctious, difficult 8-year-old boy, for example, is viewed by most mothers as being a typical boy, but his core is never, ever attacked. Nor is he maligned, denigrated, or otherwise put down.

But mothers with a cold core conflate the annoying, frustrating, and perplexing actions of a child with the child’s worthiness as a human being. And mothers who are with a man who has a child from another woman will often take out any jealousy or contempt they have for that woman onto the child. Rather than viewing the child as an extension of the new man she’s with, it’s a constant reminder of the woman he was with before her.

This is extremely common, but rarely talked about. An emotionally healthy mother will go out of her way to make children– all children– feel accepted in her world. She’ll even sometimes neglect her own kids’ needs to meet the needs of the new child of the family.

If this is not happening, and she plays favorites with her children over her man’s from a previous relationship or marriage, that’s a serious problem. These mothers have rotten cores, and the damage they can do to a man’s children is not something to take lightly.

To reject a child is to abuse a child. 

Mothers who are capable of having contempt for children on any level are also capable of other forms of abuse. In order to hold hard feelings towards a child, a mother is missing part of her conscience. And if that moral compass is impaired, they are capable of doing anything. Bottom line: this is the type of mother who can look at a child in pain and feel………….. nothing.

So why do some mothers have this cruel resentment towards our little ones? It’s simple. It’s a outward display of a mother’s own insecurities, which are based on the child’s birth mother (her man’s ex-wife or ex-girlfriend), and the relationship he had with her. And the easiest target for her to take out her hostility is his child.

The thing that’s so sick about this is that a man didn’t even need to have had a good relationship with the ex. It’s the fact that he had one at all!

Don’t underestimate how powerful of a driver jealousy can be in a mother’s life. While most mothers can put aside their unhealthy, negative thoughts and deal appropriately and lovingly with their  man’s children, there’s a good amount of mothers out there who can’t.

Teaching a child to hate

Posted on September 15, 2012 by in Exposing the methods

A child in the midst of a brainwashing campaign is learning more than just to despise and think negatively of a parent. He or she is being taught how to hate in general.

If a child is taught to hate or have contempt for his or her own parent, they will start paying attention to the negative aspects rather than the positive. The child won’t notice the good traits or actions of the other parent, but focusses instead on anything that can be framed in a bad light. This is fueled and encouraged by the alienating parent because they do not want to hear the child talk about anything positive about the ex.

Teaching a child to hate is also teaching them how to be a negative person in general. And this takes years of therapy to eventually overcome, if it can be overcome at all.

If a child is taught to despise a parent over perceived personality or parenting “flaws” due to a hostile ex’s brainwashing, this outward hostility doesn’t just stop there. It also moves towards other people the brainwashing parent can’t stand (due mostly to jealousy or fear).

The best example is the targeted parent’s extended family. Not only is the targeted parent badmouthed and maligned, but in most cases so are his or her relatives (and thus the child’s, too). Enlisted in the demonization of the ex and the ex’s family also are any other children the brainwasher might have from another marriage or relationship. The lies never get hoisted only onto the ex’s child or children, they get spread like a manure spreader to every other member of the family tree.

But it doesn’t stop there.

Since most brainwashing parents are very insecure people, they dish out their feelings of disgust towards a lot of people in their lives. And who picks up on these feelings? The child who has to listen to it (the only children who can rise above the badmouthing are teenagers who who are harder to convince, especially over people they have known their entire life).

Over many months and years, a child can’t help but share the brainwashing parent’s beliefs and contempt. It’s hatred that’s been taught to the child, and instilled in their very core (and this isn’t severe child abuse?). You can think of this indoctrination as a hate bootcamp.

What happens next, over time, is these children see other people– not just the parent they’ve been taught is bad– through the abusive parent’s eyes. Labels are quickly thrown on people, and if the parent is a narcissist (view this post on narcissistic parents), watch out. Their kids will also absorb many of their toxic traits.

Don’t underestimate how closely our actions as parents are watched, and eventually mimicked, by our kids. If you tend to yell, they yell. If you beat them with a belt, they’ll lash out physically at others as well. If you lie a lot, don’t expect them to be amazing little truth tellers. So it doesn’t take much effort for a parent who’s hating an ex-wife or ex-husband to get his or her young child to join in fully on the hatred bandwagon.

Kids develop into adults through a combination of their own inherent nature (DNA) and nurture (parenting), but when they’ve been marinating in false feelings of hatred for a decade or more, it’s extremely difficult to reverse even for an experienced therapist. The damage to their psyche is tremendous, and the perpetrators of this abuse are committing an evil act.

Teaching a kid to hate is child abuse, and the only remedy for these young and innocent victims is to remove them from that abusive home. Unfortunately, this is a major uphill battle to undertake, as family courts, CPS, and child therapists today simply don’t understand this form of abuse.

Mental child abuse is the most common form of child abuse in America, and the most difficult to stop” – BrainwashingChildren.com