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Only 40 hours ’til I see you

Counting down the hoursParents who view visitation with the other parent as something that’s a necessary evil often count down not only the days in front of their child, but hours too.

If a parent says to the child “Honey, I miss you so much, only 40 hours until I see you,” what is that telling them?

First, it tells them that there’s a mental clock counting town the time until “freedom” occurs. Until the misery of having to be with the other parent is over. It’s simply not healthy for parents to use such countdowns.

My son’s mother does this. Just yesterday it was “40 hours.” Not 2 days, mind you. 40 hours.

What she should be doing is asking him what he’s doing, to support those things, and then say “have a blast tomorrow, I’ll talk to you then.” Period.

So if your child mentions “only 35 hours until I see Mom,” you know what’s going on the the parent’s mind.

If ex can’t come, then (your child) can’t come, either

There will be situations when your ex will demand that he/she be allowed to appear at an event, or else the child won’t be allowed to come.

Last week my nephew was prevented from accepting a trophy at an awards banquet simply because his Dad wasn’t allowed to attend (Dad is involved in a highly toxic divorce with my sister).

Dad said that if he’s not allowed to attend, then his son won’t be there, either.
And that’s what happened: I, as the uncle, was there to see the trophy, while my nephew sat at home because Dad was punishing his ex.

Yet never mind the punishment meted out on his own son– preventing him from the thrill of accepting a trophy won in a horse riding competition.

This is just another form of using children as a pawn, and it happens too often in separations and divorces. Instead of doing what’s best for the children in all instances, bitter ex’s lash out, and damage their kids in the process.

Brainwashing Tool #7: Tell them what they're missing at home

I’ve experienced this now several times, so it’s time to expose it to other parents.

When your child is with you but talking on the phone to their other parent, one tool the parent uses to lessen the value of your child’s visitation at your home is to tell them great stuff that awaits them back home.

The past two visits, my son has been reminded of both a horse purchase and a fish tank purchase. “Aren’t you excited to come back and see your new horse?” “This aquarium is so amazing, don’t you wish you could see it?”

You’ll see other variations such as:
1. Parent telling the child that he missed his friend’s birthday party, or some other function
2. Parent telling the child how much he’s missed, multiple times, to make the child feel rx generic viagra guilty about being away
3. Parent acting as though the stay is terrible for the child, saying things like “everything will be alright, Charlie, you’ll be home in just two days and things will be fine again.”

Tips to combat this pointless behavior from the parent who’s lashing out?

Have a normal, fun time with your kids. At the end of every day of your visitation ask them, “What did you enjoy doing most today?” And take a few pictures and videos every day. Post them online, or somewhere that the child can see them. Make the actions memorable, which will be far more powerful than the other parent pulling down the child’s enjoyment with you using words.

Is blocking a child’s love child abuse?

Is blocking love child abuse?In so much of what a malicious parent does and says to a child to force them to take sides in a divorce or custody battle, it can be boiled down to this:

One parent is attempting to block a child from loving the other parent.

Is this child abuse? Of course it is. It’s a cruel practice that deserves prompt attention so that it stops and the effects are neutralized as much as possible through therapy.

The three pillars of child abuse: Mental, Physical, and Sexual, all damage the child moderately to severely. Unfortunately, today’s “soft” courts who won’t stand up to mental child abuse allow the practice to continue largely unabated. This needs to stop.

There are only a few books on mental child abuse, but hundreds on sexual abuse. That’s the reason I decided to start this blog– there’s so little information out there for parents to learn about on the topic of Brainwashing Children.

Brainwashing Tool #16: Not showing them your letters

One thing commonly done by a parent who wants you to have minimal contact to “their” son or daughter is to not show them cards or letters you mail.

You can send postcards, a birthday card, a Valentine’s Day card, whatever. But a parent bent on harming his or her own child’s relationship with the other parent will pass those right along to the trash.

What to do?

Whenever you send a letter or card, remind yourself a week later to ask your son or daughter if they received it. If they didn’t then it’s time to speak to the parent. Explain how you expect letters you send to please be forwarded to the child. Don’t be angry with them, just state kindly but firmly that you would request that correspondence be shared with the child.

You can also start sending your postcards or letters to the child’s school. I’ve done this for quite some time. I address the letter to the teacher, my son, and the entire 3rd grade class. I’m sending them from different countries, so it provides a source of learning and entertainment for everyone. If you’re in the same city all the time this won’t work quite as well, but you get the idea. Explain to the teacher what’s going on, and he or she will be more than happy to field a few letters or postcards.

If that doesn’t work, then it’s time to air your grievance in front of a judge. Contact your lawyer.

This is just one of many forms of mental child abuse. Denying the other parent’s love towards their child one small step at a time…

Top 7 ways for live-away parents to stay in contact with child

In today’s computer age, there are some very cool, innovative ways to stay in contact with your child who’s living with your ex. So when you can’t be there in person, here is a quick rundown of the top 7:

1. Telephone/cellphone (directly speaking to child)
2. Telephone/cellphone (leaving a nice message when unable to speak to child)
3. Email (kids start using it as young as 4-5 years of age)
4. Text messaging, or text messaging apps like Whats App or Viber
5. Skype video conferencing (both computers must have the software, but the video chat is free. Great for long distances)
6. Send postcards (or better yet– personalized cards where you can draw funny things or make longer comments)
7. Send letters (timeless)

Brainwashing Tool #3: No pics of you anywhere

Your ex has many tools at his or her disposal to push you away from and out of your child’s life.

One of the small but telling ways is to deny any pictures of you in your kid’s room at your ex’s. Why would they do this?

Simple. “Out of sight; out of mind.”

Your ex is making a pointed attempt to keep the child from thinking of you. Looking at a picture instills warm feelings towards that person, but your ex does not want the child to feel these feelings towards you.

Think about how tragic this is. The parent is deliberately taking away a memory of the other parent from the child.

While it may seem on the surface like it’s not that big of a deal, it actually is. If your kid has other pics in his room (and you can be sure the other parent is in one or more of them), but you’re not in any of them, you can be sure your ex is up to this sad and subtle brainwashing technique.

Not allowing pics of you anywhere is ywr another tool for bitter ex’s to help pass their dislike or even hatred of you — despite your being one of the two top people of importance in their life– onto the child.

Brainwashing Tool #8: The telephone

When you have your kid for your visitation time, oftentimes the other parent knows he/she has only one way of brainwashing your kid during those days. The tool used?

The telephone/cellphone.

The alienating parent will try one or several of the following tactics:

1. Keep the child on the phone for a long time
2. Inquire in a negative spirit how the visit is going. Instead of “tell me what you did today,” the sentiment more like “Are you doing OK?” “How much do you miss me?”
3. Tell the child about a big surprise awaiting him/her upon their return
4. Tell the child how much the parent misses them, that the time apart is very difficult

The Brainwashing Boomerang

Although direct and firm intervention is always required when dealing with an ex’s attempting to alienate you from your child, always keep this in the back of your head: the concept of the Brainwashing Boomerang.

Brainwashing Boomerang (n) – when a parent’s attempt to alienate their ex from their child or children backfires, and the intended effect is the opposite: The child or children resent the parent who attempted the brainwashing.

You can’t sit back and wait for this effect to take place down the road. It is something that often happens, however, especially in cases where the children have relatively strong and independent minds (ie, less susceptible to mind shaping). This blog doesn’t recommend this passive approach, however, as damage is still done to the child’s psyche.

And even this boomerang effect isn’t desirable, as it simply switches hostility between the two parents… in other words, hostility which shouldn’t be there at all still exists.

"Don’t make me choose!" – the universal cry of children

Inside a child’s mind, when he or she faces brainwashing from a parent, the feeling they get is one of:

Please don’t make me choose!

Children know their parents have faults and aren’t perfect. They don’t hold one parent up to the other and say to themselves “this parent is better, so I like them better.” Rather, children simply want harmony and to be loved by both, in each parent’s own way of expressing it.

They don’t want to have to choose one parent over the other. Which is why brainwashing is such a travesty– it’s forcing them to develop negative feelings towards a parent when the child doesn’t feel such hostility naturally.

So it’s our duty as parents to never put our children in the direct or indirect fire of toxic statements or insinuations against our ex. Children love both their parents, and deep within hate negative expressed towards a parent– even when what is spoken of is true!