Brainwashing Children

Abusive home = Unhappy home

Posted on 27. Sep, 2011 by admin.

If you dig down to the very core of why some parents and households are abusive towards children and others are not, look at how happy or unhappy they are.

A happy parent is one who nurtures his or her children physically and emotionally. Happy people don’t molest, pass hurt feelings on to, deprive the other parent’s love from, or otherwise hurt their kids. Happy people who go through divorces or break-ups hurt just like anyone else, but they elevate their behaviors to protect their children from the adult pain.

“All abusive parents are unhappy parents, and unhappy parents are feelings-based people who act out on these feelings without regard to whether what they’re saying or doing is right or wrong for their child” – www.brainwashingchildren.com

Look at your own situation of mental abuse or even milder alienation efforts. How happy is the person who’s damaging your child? Are they an overall happy person?

Whenever I think of the environment that my child is in, I think of his home with a big giant neon sign above it flashing, “UNHAPPY – 24 hrs/day.” The nearly decade-long campaign of harming my son’s relationship with me has been so pervasive, how could such behavior come from a normal, happy parent? It can’t.

The unfortunate part is the long-term outlook. Since it’s impossible for you to change the unhappy person’s core, what are the odds of the damage being done to the children who are in their midst stopping? Quite low. The only real way to help the children that live with these negative, unhappy, parents is to have them spend more and more time with the positive, happy parent. It can be a complete change of custody in severe alienation and emotional abuse cases, to granting the “happy” parent a lot of meaningful time in the decree.

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Evidence from afar that your child is being brainwashed against you

Posted on 08. May, 2011 by admin.

When you’re the noncustodial parent, days and weeks go by without you being around your child or children. During this time the custodial parent– your ex– who’s hell-bent on sabotaging your relationship with your child has ample opportunity to do so.

There are some strong signs that appear in most brainwashing households. You can’t be there in person to observe all the things said, the lies told, or the subtle put-downs, so you will have to look elsewhere– to the telephone, cellphone, text messages, and emails.

The openness and normalcy of the electronic communications with your child is in most cases directly related to the level of mental abuse taking place in the other house. Evidence that your child is being coached and lied to include:

• Your child is flat or sad when he or she gets your phone call
• Your ex is often heard speaking to your child in the background (and your child will frequently cover up the phone with his or  her hand)
• Your phone calls are not returned, either most of the time or never
• Cellphones you buy for your kid are rarely if ever used to call you, but used routinely to contact your child when he or she is with you
• No calls on your birthday or Father’s/Mother’s Day, and rarely or never a card or e-card
• Your child asks you questions inappropriate for their age– whether about legal matters, a visitation still months away, or other things kids don’t normally think about or know about, etc.
• Your child is used as a messenger for discussions that should be reserved instead for your ex and you
• Your child complains about his or her last visit
• You rarely or never get a call, email, or text out of the blue from your child
• Your child claims out of the blue that “I don’t want to see you”
• Your child seems unable to echo any “I love you’s”
• Your child refers to you by your first name
• Your ex refers to you when speaking to your child in the background by your first name
• Your child will say “Why haven’t you called me” when in fact you’ve tried reaching him or her and had even left voicemails
• You rarely get an acknowledgement of any cards of presents sent

How to fight this? The short answer is to call your child on a regular basis (once a week, twice a week, etc), and stick to it. Also send texts and emails, even super short ones, when you think of your child. If you’ve been unable to get through to speak to him or her, make sure you let them know that you’re excited to finally reach them. If you’ve left a voicemail, ask them “So did you get my voicemail?” That way, if they didn’t (as is likely), they’ll realize that you did reach out to connect with them. Older kids will even figure out on their own that a parent is withholding messages from them.

The big picture, of course, is to get the child into counseling. Even call Child Protective Services if your child’s emotionally wrecked. Make sure you document everything– to include tape recording phone calls (if legal in your state), logging all the times you’ve tried to reach your child, etc.

If your child custody decree doesn’t mention anything about telephonic or electronic access, then consider hiring an attorney who can make a “motion to modify” the decree. Some decrees include specific hours whereby your ex must make your child contactable. That way if your ex doesn’t comply, he or she could face the wrath of a judge.

It’s a very difficult thing to have to suffer through month after month after month, with the only let-off being when  you have possession of your child. But hang in there. Keep a steady flow of calls, emails, and texts to your brainwashed child. One day your child will see the “unhappy” parent for who she is, and your consistent actions at reaching out will be rewarded in 95% of cases.

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The narcissistic parent

Posted on 28. Jan, 2011 by admin.

Narcissistic Parents

In my study of mental child abuse as well as my own observations regarding my ex, I’ve noticed how prevalent it is that the child abuser is highly narcissistic.

What’s a narcissistic parent? It’s someone who is self-absorbed, authoritarian (watch out for their outbursts), negative, a know-it-all, highly critical of others, secretive, cunning, manipulative, exploitive, stingy, ungrateful, a pathological liar (twists the truth with incredible ease), envious and competitive, deaf to other’s opinions, doesn’t listen (zero empathy), brags and exaggerates, has no boundaries, inept at basic manners, and lacks a sense of humor (especially at themselves). He or she is one unhappy person (read this post on Unhappy Parents).

Looking at these traits, how many of them apply to your situation? A narcissistic father or mother will have most, if not all of the traits listed.

There’s a simple reason why the more a parent brainwashes his or her own children (or dishes out any other form of abuse), the more narcissism tendencies they have: It takes an extremely selfish and sick parent to inflict such harm onto their own child. An adult can set aside anger or hurt from a divorce and keep their child on neutral ground by refusing to enroll them in the middle of the conflict. But parents hell-bent on minimizing or even outright destroying the child’s relationship with the ex are unable to place their child out of the emotional turmoil. They can’t do it. In fact, they will actively bring pain to their own offspring.

So how do you counter these parents, and is there hope for changing them? A sobering quote:

“Trying to reform narcissists by reasoning with them or by appealing to their better nature is about as effective as spitting in the ocean.” – Halcyon.com

That has been one of my biggest frustrations with my ex, thinking that reasoning with her and letting her eventually calm down and see for herself that I’m a good Dad would temper her behavior towards our son. But it never happened, and her actions even got worse over time. The sad reality is that you can’t change the narcissist. It’s deeply unfortunate, as your ex (assuming he or she is the custodial parent) has ample amounts of time to transfer these narcissism traits onto your child.

The only recourse is being a normal parent, providing needed contrast for  your child. It’s very important to insist that any behaviors in him or her that mimic your narcissistic ex are stomped out immediately. So if your child is flippant, rude, and lacking manners– and they will on many levels when they’ve been living with a narcissist– don’t tolerate it.

“The narcissist is governed by his or her feelings, the decent person is governed by his or her obligations” – Dennis Prager

The above quote sums it up very well. Since a narcissistic parent is governed by his or her feelings, they don’t have the ability to own up to their obligations to shield their child from emotional heartache, adult issues, stories of how bad Mommy or Daddy is, etc.

These parents are a vortex of negative energy, and will suck the life out of those around them. Children of narcissists suffer, and come in two camps: those that are aware of this parent’s bizarre, completely irrational behavior “Yeah, there my Mom/Dad goes again…”, or they’re not and are mentally smothered by the parent. Sadly lots of these children end up inheriting the narcissist’s traits, supporting the findings that many children of narcissistic parents become narcissists themselves.

The reality is this. Once the children become adults, the only way for them to not further suffer under the tyranny of such a parent is to move away from them. Creating physical separation, and thus limiting contact, from a parent might seem like a bad notion. But the alternative is to live a life of suffering. Remember, the narcissist doesn’t change. After all, he or she isn’t the wrongdoer or person with flaws… everyone else is.

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Turning all phones off during the child’s birthdays, for Thanksgiving, Father’s Day, etc.

Posted on 21. Dec, 2010 by admin.

It’s been a rare holiday or birthday that I’ve been able to speak to my son. And never has my son initiated a call to me for these important dates– even Father’s Day.

Of course we know that kids aren’t generally aware of these dates and to reach out to loved ones, which is why they usually need a parent’s guidance. In a divorce, that means the parent with the child should help the child reach out to the other parent on these special days. However, a parent bent on minimizing or destroying the importance of their ex will place barricades up to keep the child from connecting to the other parent. It’s simply sick.

Recently on a big holiday, my son’s mother conveniently produced cell phone technical issues and the ridiculous “phone was being charged” argument. Nevermind that almost every phone can be used while it’s being charged.

This difficulty and sometimes outright inability for you to get through to your cute loved one(s) is a telltale sign of that parent’s hostility towards the child having a solid relationship with you. These parents brainwash their children on top of the gag on their child’s communications, and end up harming the child considerably.

One way to take the bull by the horns on this is to ask, preferably via text (so that it’s documented), a few days earlier when’s a good time to call on that day. If it becomes a recurring theme, then it’s time to contact your lawyer and consider a strongly worded letter for starters, up to a full blown hearing. Don’t let this parent get away with such awful behavior!

Think about what this teaches the child:

1. Important occasions don’t warrant even minimal telephone contact with the other parent

2. Ignoring the other parent on Father’s/Mother’s Day, a birthday, or Christmas is completely OK

3. Ignoring your siblings, uncles, and other relatives is also completely OK

It’s sad that parents routinely pull this ploy on their kid’s relationship to the other parent. It’s despicable.

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Brainwashing and custodial parents

Posted on 10. Sep, 2010 by admin.

Brainwashed by Custodial Parent

Who has more inroads to damage a child psychologically, the parent with whom a child spends 85% of the time, or the other parent (also known as “noncustodial” parent)?

Clearly, the custodial parent has the most opportunity to brainwash, align, and otherwise create distortions in a child’s mind. And because women are overwhelmingly awarded custodianship in divorces and paternity suits, the majority of emotional abusive parents are women.

Living with the child nearly full time provides a lot of opportunity to shape a child mentally and emotionally. Custodial parents have a lot of bearing in their child’s upbringing due to this massive imbalance of time awarded them compared to the noncustodial parent. And this time can either be productive or destructive.

Which is why it’s important for courts in America to grant meaningful visitation to the noncustodial parents, especially if mental child abuse is alleged. But sadly the opposite often happens– one parent is actually denied the ability to seek counseling for an abused child.

So sadly, the parent with the most time with the child has the best opportunity to damage her own child psychologically… and if that’s happening to you, it’s time to get the court and CPS involved.

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Münchausen by Proxy Syndrome 101

Posted on 27. May, 2010 by admin.

What is Münchausen by Proxy Syndrome?

Münchausen by Proxy (origin of this name) is a severe form of deliberate child abuse, usually by mothers (over 90% are women according to one study), whereby the mother deliberately attempts to get her own child sick via falsified physical, physiological, and/or mental symptoms. This is done through exaggeration of symptoms, actual inducement of symptoms, or an outright lie about symptoms.

Why mothers will do this:

1. To gain attention of the doctors and nurses
2. Attempt to bring the mother closer to the child’s father
3. They are depressed and insecure
4. Absentee mother or father in their own childhood
5. Desire to control their child
6. Show their indispensability to the child’s welfare
7. Restore family cohesiveness
8. Limit or prevent the child from being with the father through onerous doctor visits

Why it’s such such a deadly syndrome:

1. 9% of the children die
2. extremely difficult to diagnose
3. mothers rarely will admit to it and attend psychotherapy
4. the abusive parent often seems caring, and is often in the medical profession herself

Children with MBPS:

1. lots of illnesses in a short period of time
2. frequent visits to doctors, hospitals, and health clinics
3. illnesses cease to exist when child is away from the mother
4. child doesn’t respond to treatment
5. often assists the mother with deceiving the doctors

Mothers with MBPS:

1. Often have the same symptoms as their own child
2. Were abused themselves as children
3. Often a bad relationship with the father of the child
4. Often don’t know how the illness occurred
5. Excellent manipulators; convincing
6. Are “helicopter moms;” very controlling
7. Enjoy the attention they receive from caring for their “injured” child
8. Often are in the medical field themselves
9. Are attention seekers

Notes:

1. common for child to exhibit genuine symptoms
2. exaggeration of symptoms
3. often mothers are in the health care field themselves
4. mother has personality disorders in all cases
5. mother lashes out at any questioning of her motives or actions
6. mother is usually the custodial parent and has the time to inflict the harm to the child
7. constant office or hospital visits
8. most mothers know what they’re doing, and hide their acts aggressively
9. mother often is not happy when good news appears
10. rare
11. one of the most severe forms of child abuse

Why it’s so hard to stop the harm to the child

1. Difficult to diagnose or prove
2. Takes many varied forms
3. Courts and lawyers know little to nothing about the disorder
4. Child Protective Services (CPS) knows little to nothing about the disorder

The most important task is to protect children immediately from mothers with Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome. And that has to take place through the courts or Child Protective Services (CPS). Unfortunately, their task is made difficult by the difficulty to prove it, and even if it seems provable with lots of evidence, getting judges and child advocates to understand it.

Sadly, in the meantime the child suffers, and often dies.

Bottom line: the child needs to be removed from the abuse, which means the child must be removed from the abuser– which in most cases is the mother.

–
[Final comment]

Difference between Munchausen and Munchausen by Proxy:

-Munchausen is faking your own illness
-Munchausen by Proxy is faking illness in your own children

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Quote of the Week

Posted on 16. Apr, 2010 by admin.

Tragically, an ex consumed by revenge will gladly sabotage their child’s loving feelings with the inducement of false hatred.” – www.brainwashingchildren.com

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Brainwashing grandmothers

Posted on 16. Apr, 2010 by admin.

A parent bent on destroying their own child’s relationship with the ex often have a family member quite willing to take part in the brainwashing…

The grandmother.

Over the years I’ve heard my son’s grandmother enough times to see first-hand how she’s hurting my son’s relationship with me. And I realize that what I’m hearing is only the tip of the iceberg, sadly.

Just a few weeks ago, during a long vacation, grandma tells my son halfway through (paraphrasing),

“You’re on the downhill slide!“

Translation: The sadness of having to spend time with the other, “lesser” parent- your father- is getting close to ending! Then you’ll be back with us and away from the monster…

Another thing she said that showed how selfish she was during one summer saying to him on the telephone how many hours until she sees him again (I can’t remember the exact number, but it was in the hundreds). And for about 5 minutes prior to that, she asked him nothing about what he was doing (we were out of the state on a trip to the lake). She went on about all the things he was missing back home! Learning absolutely nothing about her grandson’s exciting trip to a large lake…

In many families, the grandmother is the dominant figure in the entire family tree. Which is perfectly fine. But when the grandmother uses her power to aid (or in my situation, lead) the effort to sabotage her grandson or granddaughter’s relationship with his or her own parent, it’s downright despicable.

[Now, this is not to say that grandfathers don't brainwash children. They can and do. But the reality is that in the vast majority of cases, it's the grandmother who's highly emotionally vested in the grandchildren, and as such if they feel aggrieved by a child's ex-wife or ex-husband, many will go to many lengths to harm that person.]

In the process, of course, hurting not just that ex but a child or children as well.

So, how do you combat a grandmother’s actions that are harming your relationship to you son or daughter?

First, start documenting all comments, texts, voice mail messages, and actions. I use Google Docs for all my notes on the evidence of my son’s brainwashing. Then, once you have this evidence hire a lawyer and see about calling a hearing about this abuse. Now, don’t get your hopes up about the judge taking assertive action. Most family law judges are clueless about PAS*. In my case, the judge to this day has done absolutely nothing to warn the mother despite audio and video evidence, and my testimony on the stand. But you still need to make this effort– wouldn’t you like to know your father or mother held a court hearing over the mental brainwashing that was occurring while you were a child? Show some initiative that sadly too many parents lack.

Secondly, place your child into therapy with a child therapist well versed in *Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).  This will help your child immensely in the recovery efforts. Having a neutral third party talking to the child about you can do a lot of good.

Third, and I’ll write about this soon as a separate topic, enlist the help of a person who your son or daughter really likes or loves. With some well-timed words talking about you (the targeted parent), and sharing their feelings about you, your child will now have in front of them a huge disconnect: between what they’ve been hearing about you by the brainwashing parent and grandparent for years, and what they’re hearing now from this trusted, liked person.

Last, I highly recommend the book Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard Warshak (order here). He just came out with an updated edition, and it’s terrific. It’s essentially the Bible on Brainwashing.

Don’t just think that brainwashing of children is done by parents. It’s done by grandparents too– and this double-barreled assault on the child and his or her relationship to you can be brutally effective in destroying the child’s opinions, attitudes, and feelings…

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Quote of the Week

Posted on 16. Apr, 2010 by admin.

Cauldron of hatred

Although some brainwashing parents may avoid conflict with you, inside they’re often a boiling cauldron of hatred and hostility. – www.brainwashingchildren.com

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Parental Alienation Syndrome to be highlighted on ABC’s 20/20

Posted on 14. Dec, 2009 by admin.

ABC News’ show 20/20 will be featuring a segment this Friday, with a brief appearance by Dr. Richard Warshak, the foremost author and psychologist on parental alienation syndrome, aka “children brainwashed to hate a parent.”

From Dr. Warshak‘s site,

I expect this show to have a major impact in educating the public about the suffering of children who have been turned against a parent, and about what can be done to help ease a child’s transition back to a rejected parent.

The segment will be anchored by 20/20 reporter Chris Cuomo. This topic, mental child abuse, is vastly misunderstood by parents, therapists, judges, and lawyers alike, so I’m excited that it will be in front of a national audience. Dr. Warshak is the foremost authority on parent-child alienation, so ABC did great in choosing to interview him.

The segment should air in the first hour of the 2 hour show (9-11pm EST).

I expect this show to have a major impact in educating the public about the suffering of children who have been turned against a parent, and about what can be done to help ease a child’s transition back to a rejected parent.

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