Archive for 'Combating'
Brainwashing grandmothers
Posted on 16. Apr, 2010 by admin.
A parent bent on destroying their own child’s relationship with the ex often have a family member quite willing to take part in the brainwashing…
The grandmother.
Over the years I’ve heard my son’s grandmother enough times to see first-hand how she’s hurting my son’s relationship with me. And I realize that what I’m hearing is only the tip of the iceberg, sadly.
Just a few weeks ago, during a long vacation, grandma tells my son halfway through (paraphrasing),
“You’re on the downhill slide!“
Translation: The sadness of having to spend time with the other, “lesser” parent- your father- is getting close to ending! Then you’ll be back with us and away from the monster…
Another thing she said that showed how selfish she was during one summer saying to him on the telephone how many hours until she sees him again (I can’t remember the exact number, but it was in the hundreds). And for about 5 minutes prior to that, she asked him nothing about what he was doing (we were out of the state on a trip to the lake). She went on about all the things he was missing back home! Learning absolutely nothing about her grandson’s exciting trip to a large lake…
In many families, the grandmother is the dominant figure in the entire family tree. Which is perfectly fine. But when the grandmother uses her power to aid (or in my situation, lead) the effort to sabotage her grandson or granddaughter’s relationship with his or her own parent, it’s downright despicable.
[Now, this is not to say that grandfathers don't brainwash children. They can and do. But the reality is that in the vast majority of cases, it's the grandmother who's highly emotionally vested in the grandchildren, and as such if they feel aggrieved by a child's ex-wife or ex-husband, many will go to many lengths to harm that person.]
In the process, of course, hurting not just that ex but a child or children as well.
So, how do you combat a grandmother’s actions that are harming your relationship to you son or daughter?
First, start documenting all comments, texts, voice mail messages, and actions. I use Google Docs for all my notes on the evidence of my son’s brainwashing. Then, once you have this evidence hire a lawyer and see about calling a hearing about this abuse. Now, don’t get your hopes up about the judge taking assertive action. Most family law judges are clueless about PAS*. In my case, the judge to this day has done absolutely nothing to warn the mother despite audio and video evidence, and my testimony on the stand. But you still need to make this effort– wouldn’t you like to know your father or mother held a court hearing over the mental brainwashing that was occurring while you were a child? Show some initiative that sadly too many parents lack.
Secondly, place your child into therapy with a child therapist well versed in *Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). This will help your child immensely in the recovery efforts. Having a neutral third party talking to the child about you can do a lot of good.
Third, and I’ll write about this soon as a separate topic, enlist the help of a person who your son or daughter really likes or loves. With some well-timed words talking about you (the targeted parent), and sharing their feelings about you, your child will now have in front of them a huge disconnect: between what they’ve been hearing about you by the brainwashing parent and grandparent for years, and what they’re hearing now from this trusted, liked person.
Last, I highly recommend the book Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard Warshak (order here). He just came out with an updated edition, and it’s terrific. It’s essentially the Bible on Brainwashing.
Don’t just think that brainwashing of children is done by parents. It’s done by grandparents too– and this double-barreled assault on the child and his or her relationship to you can be brutally effective in destroying the child’s opinions, attitudes, and feelings…
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Other ways of describing the Brainwashing of Children
Posted on 26. Jun, 2009 by admin.
other terms for brainwashing of children
- Teaching hate
- Attack on the child’s soul
- Parental alienation
- Sabotaging the parent-child bond
- Aligning the child against the parent
- Poisoning the child’s mind
- Inducing false hatred
- Stealing the child’s soul
- Crushing/killing the child’s spirit
- Relationship is under attack
- Erasing or rewriting the child’s good memories
- Bashing the parent
- Denying a loving relationship
- Programming
- Squashing the child’s desire for a relationship
- Mental torture
- Mental torment
- Badmouthing the parent
- Instill hatred where love once existed
- Campaign to destroy the parent-child relationship
- Mental or psychological child abuse
- Emotional child abuse
- Denying the child the love of one of his/her parents
These phrases can be helpful in describing to your child’s counselor, your lawyer, and any judges what you’re facing.
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How to start a blog on your child’s life
Posted on 13. Dec, 2008 by admin.
Today’s technology offers a great way to document your child’s life. Especially so when you’re on the receiving end of parent-child alienation attempts.
Here’s all you need to do to easily document your child’s life:
1. Take plenty of photos, and upload them to a site like www.flickr.com or www.smugmug.com
2. Take plenty of videos using a Flip video camera, and upload to a site like www.youtube.com, www.blip.tv, or www.flickr.com
3. Aggregate these photos and videos into a blog set up at www.blogger.com or www.tumblr.com
You can set up a blog within 5 minutes at Blogger or Tumblr. It costs nothing, and you’ll be one of the few parents using this easy and free technology to share the treasured memories of your digital devices.
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Brainwashing Tool #7: Tell them what they’re missing at home
Posted on 18. Oct, 2008 by admin.
I’ve experienced this now several times, so it’s time to expose it to other parents.
When your child is with you but talking on the phone to their other parent, one tool the parent uses to lessen the value of your child’s visitation at your home is to tell them great stuff that awaits them back home.
The past two visits, my son has been reminded of both a horse purchase and a fish tank purchase. “Aren’t you excited to come back and see your new horse?” “This aquarium is so amazing, don’t you wish you could see it?”
You’ll see other variations such as:
1. Parent telling the child that he missed his friend’s birthday party, or some other function
2. Parent telling the child how much he’s missed, multiple times, to make the child feel guilty about being away
3. Parent acting as though the stay is terrible for the child, saying things like “everything will be alright, Charlie, you’ll be home in just two days and things will be fine again.”
Tips to combat this pointless behavior from the parent who’s lashing out?
Have a normal, fun time with your kids. At the end of every day of your visitation ask them, “What did you enjoy doing most today?” And take a few pictures and videos every day. Post them online, or somewhere that the child can see them. Make the actions memorable, which will be far more powerful than the other parent pulling down the child’s enjoyment with you using words.
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Brainwashing Tool #16: Not showing them your letters
Posted on 15. Oct, 2008 by admin.
One thing commonly done by a parent who wants you to have minimal contact to “their” son or daughter is to not show them cards or letters you mail.
You can send postcards, a birthday card, a Valentine’s Day card, whatever. But a parent bent on harming his or her own child’s relationship with the other parent will pass those right along to the trash.
What to do?
Whenever you send a letter or card, remind yourself a week later to ask your son or daughter if they received it. If they didn’t then it’s time to speak to the parent. Explain how you expect letters you send to please be forwarded to the child. Don’t be angry with them, just state kindly but firmly that you would request that correspondence be shared with the child.
You can also start sending your postcards or letters to the child’s school. I’ve done this for quite some time. I address the letter to the teacher, my son, and the entire 3rd grade class. I’m sending them from different countries, so it provides a source of learning and entertainment for everyone. If you’re in the same city all the time this won’t work quite as well, but you get the idea. Explain to the teacher what’s going on, and he or she will be more than happy to field a few letters or postcards.
If that doesn’t work, then it’s time to air your grievance in front of a judge. Contact your lawyer.
This is just one of many forms of mental child abuse. Denying the other parent’s love towards their child one small step at a time…
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Top 7 ways for live-away parents to stay in contact with child
Posted on 01. Oct, 2008 by admin.
In today’s computer age, there are some very cool, innovative ways to stay in contact with your child who’s living with your ex. So when you can’t be there in person, here is a quick rundown of the top 7:
1. Telephone/cellphone (directly speaking to child)
2. Telephone/cellphone (leaving a nice message when unable to speak to child)
3. Email (kids start using it as young as 4-5 years of age)
4. Text messaging, or SMS (kids get cellphones at very young ages these days)
5. Skype video conferencing (both computers must have the software, but the video chat is free. Great for long distances)
6. Send postcards (or better yet– personalized cards where you can draw funny things or make longer comments)
7. Send letters (timeless)
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Brainwashing Tool #3: No pics of you anywhere
Posted on 01. Oct, 2008 by admin.
Your ex has many tools at his or her disposal to push you away from and out of your child’s life.
One of the small but telling ways is to deny any pictures of you in your kid’s room at your ex’s. Why would they do this?
Simple. “Out of sight; out of mind.”
Your ex is making a pointed attempt to keep the child from thinking of you. Looking at a picture instills warm feelings towards that person, but your ex does not want the child to feel these feelings towards you.
Think about how tragic this is. The parent is deliberately taking away a memory of the other parent from the child.
While it may seem on the surface like it’s not that big of a deal, it actually is. If your kid has other pics in his room (and you can be sure the other parent is in one or more of them), but you’re not in any of them, you can be sure your ex is up to this sad and subtle brainwashing technique.
Not allowing pics of you anywhere is ywr another tool for bitter ex’s to help pass their dislike or even hatred of you — despite your being one of the two top people of importance in their life– onto the child.
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Brainwashing Tool #8: The telephone
Posted on 23. Sep, 2008 by admin.
When you have your kid for your visitation time, oftentimes the other parent knows he/she has only one way of brainwashing your kid during those days. The tool used?
The telephone/cellphone.
The alienating parent will try one or several of the following tactics:
1. Keep the child on the phone for a long time
2. Inquire in a negative spirit how the visit is going. Instead of “tell me what you did today,” the sentiment more like “Are you doing OK?” “How much do you miss me?”
3. Tell the child about a big surprise awaiting him/her upon their return
4. Tell the child how much the parent misses them, that the time apart is very difficult
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How taking “ownership” of a child hurts them
Posted on 14. Sep, 2008 by admin.
All parents feel a bond to their child. But a good percentage of parents take this bond to a new level, approaching ownership. They feel like that child belongs to them, while the ex is relegated to a legally-obligated role in the child’s life.
This is indicative of a very needy parent, for starters. A strong person, after all, would want their child to have both a mother and father bond.
But these parents take the role of dictator in the child’s life, wishing their ex would simply wither up and go away. They would much rather “own” their child and have the ex never appear again in the child’s life, than share the responsibilities of raising the child.
It’s amazing how a parent can put their own needs in front of their children’s. But it happens all the time. These power-obsessed, bitter, emotionally immature parents don’t care what damage they do to their children’s psyche. They don’t even think they’re doing anything harmful, they’re so wrapped up in their emotions.
How to cope with such “ownership”-inclined parents? See your kid(s) as often as possible. Use the courts if necessary to attempt at custody (sometimes this is the only way to get the brainwashing to subside– but even that is optimistic).
Above all, use your actions to convey your love to your children. There is a good chance that your efforts will be rewarded at some point down the line. In fact, a very good chance…
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