Archive for 'Divorce'
The 10 Commandments of Divorced Parenting
Posted on 06. Sep, 2011 by admin.
- Don’t share any anger or grief with your child
- Never badmouth, demean, denigrate, or devalue your ex in front of your child. EVER.
- Communicate directly with your ex (your child is not a messenger!)
- Respect your ex’s visitation time (don’t bombard your child with calls, texts, etc.)
- Say positive things about your ex in front of your child (“I see you have your Mom’s good organization skills”)
- Never discuss pending family court matters with or in front of your child
- Enroll your child in doing kind gestures (a small gift, Father’s Day card, postcard, etc.) for your ex
- Encourage your child to communicate– telephone, email, texting, etc.– with your ex while apart
- Get your child excited about seeing your ex as visitation approaches (kids follow their parents’ emotional lead)
- Include your ex in important decisions
Divorce does not have to damage children. But it always does when divorced parents argue, bicker, play emotional games, try to make the child take sides, and even brainwash them that Mommy or Daddy is not worthy of their love. Parents need to elevate their behaviors by refusing to engage in any emotional or tactical behaviors that harm their child.
Bottom line: Show the child through words and actions that the other parent matters in their life. That’s one of the greatest gifts you can ever give them.
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Brainwashing technique #4: Transferring hurt feelings and frustrations onto a child
Posted on 07. Jan, 2009 by admin.
Brainwashing a child usually begins as frustrations, hurt, and contempt towards you by your ex. He or she feels betrayed, wronged, is quite bitter about the separation or divorce, and believes the child needs to know about these strong feelings.
Here, emotion trumps logic and good parenting. A parent makes a decision to bring the child into the separation/divorce mix, and from there the trend is rarely good—- in fact, the trend is usually towards more and more badmouthing the other parent. No matter how frustrated a parent becomes, getting the child to align against the other parent is terribly wrong. A mature parent would instead deal with the ex, and keep the child out of it.
This good parent would think, “Well, one day the child will see their parent for who he/she is, and I’m not going to be the one to slant my kid in one direction. It’s not right for me to do so, and it could even backfire one day.”
People involved in separations and divorces WILL have negative feelings towards the other parent, but it’s time for parents to act like adults and stop putting children in the crossfire. Getting a child to dislike or outright despise the other parent isn’t just wrong—it’s child abuse.
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If ex can’t come, then (your child) can’t come, either
Posted on 13. Dec, 2008 by admin.
There will be situations when your ex will demand that he/she be allowed to appear at an event, or else the child won’t be allowed to come.
Last week my nephew was prevented from accepting a trophy at an awards banquet simply because his Dad wasn’t allowed to attend (Dad is involved in a highly toxic divorce with my sister).
Dad said that if he’s not allowed to attend, then his son won’t be there, either. And that’s what happened: I, as the uncle, was there to see the trophy, while my nephew sat at home because Dad was punishing his ex.
Yet never mind the punishment meted out on his own son– preventing him from the thrill of accepting a trophy won in a horse riding competition.
This is just another form of using children as a pawn, and it happens too often in separations and divorces. Instead of doing what’s best for the children in all instances, bitter ex’s lash out, and damage their kids in the process.
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Brainwashing Tool #7: Tell them what they’re missing at home
Posted on 18. Oct, 2008 by admin.
I’ve experienced this now several times, so it’s time to expose it to other parents.
When your child is with you but talking on the phone to their other parent, one tool the parent uses to lessen the value of your child’s visitation at your home is to tell them great stuff that awaits them back home.
The past two visits, my son has been reminded of both a horse purchase and a fish tank purchase. “Aren’t you excited to come back and see your new horse?” “This aquarium is so amazing, don’t you wish you could see it?”
You’ll see other variations such as:
1. Parent telling the child that he missed his friend’s birthday party, or some other function
2. Parent telling the child how much he’s missed, multiple times, to make the child feel guilty about being away
3. Parent acting as though the stay is terrible for the child, saying things like “everything will be alright, Charlie, you’ll be home in just two days and things will be fine again.”
Tips to combat this pointless behavior from the parent who’s lashing out?
Have a normal, fun time with your kids. At the end of every day of your visitation ask them, “What did you enjoy doing most today?” And take a few pictures and videos every day. Post them online, or somewhere that the child can see them. Make the actions memorable, which will be far more powerful than the other parent pulling down the child’s enjoyment with you using words.
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How taking “ownership” of a child hurts them
Posted on 14. Sep, 2008 by admin.
All parents feel a bond to their child. But a good percentage of parents take this bond to a new level, approaching ownership. They feel like that child belongs to them, while the ex is relegated to a legally-obligated role in the child’s life.
This is indicative of a very needy parent, for starters. A strong person, after all, would want their child to have both a mother and father bond.
But these parents take the role of dictator in the child’s life, wishing their ex would simply wither up and go away. They would much rather “own” their child and have the ex never appear again in the child’s life, than share the responsibilities of raising the child.
It’s amazing how a parent can put their own needs in front of their children’s. But it happens all the time. These power-obsessed, bitter, emotionally immature parents don’t care what damage they do to their children’s psyche. They don’t even think they’re doing anything harmful, they’re so wrapped up in their emotions.
How to cope with such “ownership”-inclined parents? See your kid(s) as often as possible. Use the courts if necessary to attempt at custody (sometimes this is the only way to get the brainwashing to subside– but even that is optimistic).
Above all, use your actions to convey your love to your children. There is a good chance that your efforts will be rewarded at some point down the line. In fact, a very good chance…
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