Brainwashing Children

Compassion and the alienator

Posted on July 10, 2014 by John in Exposing the methods

It’s remarkable to look at the general lack of compassion in those parents willing to attack their own son or daughter’s relationship with an ex. And it’s not only a lack of compassion in dealing with their own child’s emotional well-being. These high level brainwashers (read more here) can be downright vicious, callous, and cold-blooded towards anyone they decide has wronged them. Not just an ex.

When I look at the adults that have alienated children against their own parent, I see people who have a very dark side. They are perfectly capable of coming across as nice and sweet as the social situation dictates, but if they feel like they are a victim in a relationship, friendship, or business partnership, they will lash out with vengeance that would make your head spin. They are highly toxic when they feel they have been “screwed over.” They are pulling a manure spreader, so to speak, behind them… spraying their outbursts and negativity to everyone in their orb.

The inability to show compassion– especially towards their own children– is the hallmark of the worst brainwashers. They also have a deep victim mentality… and the damage that they can do to children is quite substantial.

“MY son/daughter” vs. “OUR son/daughter”

Posted on December 11, 2013 by John in Combating, Exposing the methods

One of the trademark expressions of an alienating parent is the use of the terms “my son,” “my daughter,” or “my kids.”

It’s as though the other half of the child is discarded, leaving only one parent (when in the context of mentioning the other parent, of course. On its own, “my son,” for example, is appropriate). And in an alienator’s mind, that’s exactly the case. They are the “good” parent, and the other is the “bad” or unworthy parent. They would never admit to co-parenting with their ex.

You will never, ever hear an alienator– on any level– use the term “our son/daughter/kid.” As to utter those words implies an importance and biological connection to the ex.

As the non-alienating parent, you should always use the correct term of “OUR son,” “OUR daughter,” or “OUR son” when speaking in reference to the ex.

"You owe me"

Posted on August 4, 2013 by John in Exposing the methods

High level brainwashers (parents actively campaigning to eliminate an ex from the child’s life) very frequently have a “You owe me” expectation once the child becomes an adult. How does this come about?

It’s simple.

High level brainwashers are hyper-selfish people who are experts in playing the victimhood card. They view parenting not only as an obligation but also a favor to their child, and expect something in return down the line. This is the ultimate form of entitlement. Moreover, they view the child as an extension of themselves, not as an autonomous human being. They’re clueless to the notion of,

“One’s child is not an extension, let alone a clone, of oneself” – Dennis Prager

The brainwasher’s thought as the child nears adulthood is, “How dare you leave me and live an independent life!” Any guesses on where this next leads? It leads to the parent heaping a heavy dose of guilt onto the child. And further victimhood status:

“You don’t love me anymore, that you would even consider moving away to New York”
“I gave you all of this, and now you’re going to love someone else?”
“I sacrificed the last two decades to raise you, and this is the thanks I get?”

In raising kids, these parents try to make themselves indispensable to the child, and have an entitlement mentality that eventually turns into “You owe me.” It’s completely unhealthy emotionally. Instead of turning to another adult for emotional support, this type of parent turns to the child, using him or her as an emotional confidant or spouse.

That’s the unfortunate thing about high level alienators. Their inappropriate enmeshment with their own child doesn’t cease upon the child’s entering adulthood. Rather, it kicks into new gear, centered around guilting the child for expressing and acting on his or her natural desire for independence. To these parents, this is a threat of the highest level imaginable– not being needed.

But what happens when the child, now an adult, resists such manipulation?

The alienating parent will do one of three things:

Tell sob stories of how miserable they are (guilting the child), perpetuating their “victim” status
Complain about the lack of respect their child is giving them (guilting the child)
Write their child off completely (the ultimate act of guilting/vengeance)

Don’t underestimate the ability of a toxic, manipulative, brainwashing parent to wreak havoc on their adult children by playing the “You owe me” tactic.

Bonus: Adulthood is usually the time where these children become closer to the non-alienating parent, no matter how much damage was done by the brainwasher. The truth eventually comes out– always– and the brainwashing boomerang goes into effect.

High Level Brainwashers

Posted on July 18, 2013 by John in Exposing the methods

There are degradations of parental alienation. The most severe type is perpetrated by High Level Brainwashers (HLBs).

These parents are ruthless in their efforts to eliminate their ex from the child’s life. They spend decades spinning tales of woe of what the ex did, labeling the ex every derogatory name imaginable, and doing everything possible to deny an ex physical access to “their” child.

Below is a list of the dominant characteristics and behaviors of HLBs:

They dwell on the sins of the past. They simply cannot forgive any past grievances and ‘move on.’
They are revenge-minded. They will commonly say things like, “I don’t get mad, I get even,” or “You’ll pay for this.” They have anger and aggression issues
They are deeply unhappy people. Overall happy and positive people don’t dwell on negatives or allow past wrongs to weigh them down
They have one or more psychological disorders. Bipolar, Munchausen by Proxy, or anxiety disorders
They are frequently on medications like antidepressants to stabilize their negative moods
They were abused or neglected as as children. The roots of an HLB’s bulldozing ways goes back to a dysfunctional childhood
They are extremely selfish people. They are bad listeners, first and foremost. They are capable of completely disregarding the welfare of the child if it suits their own needs
They view child as a possession. Ownership of and control of the child. They will micromanage the child’s life in the extreme
They abuse the child on other levels. HLBs frequently physically and/or sexually abuse children as well. In short, they have no boundaries.

There is one final trait of the truly worst HLBs, and that’s the narcissistic parent. I didn’t include it in the list because only a sliver of the high level brainwashers are narcissistic. And these parents are the absolute worst abusers, and are true evil-doers at their core. They all lack a conscience. Read this article on the narcissistic parent.

HLBs are professionals at wrecking parent-child relationships. They are masters at turning their perceived victimhood into manipulative lies intent on destroying their own child’s love for the other parent. This mental child abuse that causes lasting scars, even when the child does one day realize the fraud and lies perpetrated onto them.

Top actions of an alienating parent

Posted on March 12, 2013 by John in Exposing the methods

Doesn’t inform you of upcoming school activities (especially unexpected ones)
Expresses no enthusiasm for fun events you’re doing with the child (vacations, amusement parks, etc)
Limits child’s cellphone and computer usage, so you’ll rarely get a call, text, or email
Refers to you by your first name in their home (Dad becomes “David;” Mom becomes “Julie”)
Accomplishes a post-visitation shakedown, extracting as much info as possible to find negatives
Hands the phone directly to the child when you call, avoiding even civil conversations with you
Pops anti-depressant pills (as many have a history of depression)
Able to hold resentment towards young, innocent children (ie, your children from another marriage)
Never calls you when the child is sick or taken out of school
Teaches the child adult things to tell you, such as “I don’t feel comfortable about the duration of our summer visitation, Dad”
Teaches the child how to despise or hate another human being
Labels themselves the “good” parent; labels you the “bad” parent
Tells the child false stories about their childhood
Tells the child in vivid detail how he or she was victimized by you (while taking no blame at all for the divorce)
Teaches the child how to lie to you (coating their little hearts with false malice and scorn)
Diminishes your extended family’s worth
Neglects to have the child call you for your birthday, on New Year’s Eve, or other important dates
Refuses to help the child reach and call/email/mail cards on relatives’ birthdays on your side of the family tree
Uses child’s cellphone as a leash
Rarely if ever a call to you on Father’s Day or Mother’s Day on behalf of child
Never gets the child excited about seeing you
Reminds the child of all that he or she will be missing while with you and away from them
Inflicts his or her unhappiness onto the child (as alienators are deeply unhappy people)
Attempts via a lawyer to reduce visitation to that even below family court minimum standards
Takes the child out of state without a peep, while demands precise details whenever you travel with them
Monopolizes the child’s time for hours on the phone (if you let them)
Views any event in the child’s life– a distant Aunt’s birthday, a friend’s birthday, etc– as more important than their time with you
Teaches the children from their current marriage to despise you
Informs children of alienator’s plans for them past 18 (you’ll go to college at X, and will stay here with me)
Is jealous of anything fun and memorable you do with the child (as they view the good times as a threat)
Gripes about things you’re doing as a parent to the child, but says nothing to you about it
Has outbursts around the child (extremely dramatic ones)
Lacks a filter, spilling any adult topic into the child’s head

The de-identification of a child’s own parent

Posted on February 21, 2013 by John in Exposing the methods

Two extremely unfortunate but common tactics an alienating parent will use to further damage the child’s connection to the targeted parent is to:

Teach the child to call the targeted parent by their first name
Eliminate the targeted parent’s last name

Teach the child to call the targeted parent by his/her first name only
This is very common. The aggrieved, victimized (in his or her eyes), brainwashing parent can’t stand the thought of the targeted parent being in the child’s life. So since labels and words matter so much in a child’s world, a quick way to devalue that parent is to label them by their first name. Not “Daddy,” and not “Mommy.”

This is destructive to a child’s soul, as now they’ve stopped having a Mom or Dad to address (of course, that label will be used on the alienator’s new spouse if they have one). Since what kids label becomes their reality, over time this causes their feelings to become at minimum muted towards this “Justin” or “Christine.” Imagine calling your own mother “Christine” for years, and never muttering the words “Mommy…” do you think you’ll have the same feelings towards someone who’s not being labeled your mother?

It’s yet another way of instilling false feelings in children, and it’s abusive.

Eliminate the targeted parent’s last name
Another unfortunate effort by an alienating parent is to eliminate or modify the child’s last name. Of course, we’re talking wiping out or dropping the targeted parent’s last name.

So Elizabeth Tracey Smith, whose father’s last name is Smith, is taught to stop using Smith and substitute the mother’s maiden name, Johnson, instead.

Or John Paul Warren-Stevens, whose mother’s last name is Stevens, is taught to drop Stevens.

Some parents even teach their children that once they’re 18 that they can legally drop the targeted person’s last name.

In my case, my son’s name was modified by the judge to have two last names. When I brought a hearing before the judge showing that my son is being encouraged to not write his last name anywhere (with lots of evidence, including testimony and actual school homework and folders), unfortunately the judge (Judge Gary Coley in Waco, Texas) didn’t care about my concerns and ignored my pleas. So today my son, if his name were George Herbert Walker Bush, has an effective name of George Herbert Walker. My last name,”Bush“, has been eliminated from everything.

How to effectively respond to a de-identification campaign
De-identifying a parent is the cornerstone the parents who are brainwashing their child to get revenge at an ex. If you’re on the receiving end of these techniques, here’s what you need to remember:

1. Do not allow your child to call you by your first name. You don’t allow him or her to use profanity, do you? No difference here. It’s profane to call your own parent by his or her first name.

2. Ensure that your child is using his or her legal last name at school and at sports activities. Speak to the teachers and principal and let them know that you’re concerned that your child is not writing his or her last name correctly.

Do not go heavy on your child with the last tip, as they will just hunker down and resent you further. Use the school to enact the change… not the child.

Mothers capable of hating a child

Posted on October 1, 2012 by John in Exposing the methods

Mothers are generally quite nurturing, and the easiest way to melt their heart is through a child. Even the most jaded of mothers will smile when a child does something cute. A mother’s instinct is to care for, love, and protect children– even a child they don’t even know.

However, there is a type of mother who is capable of displaying actual contempt and hatred towards a child (even one they claim they love).

All children act out at times, some worse than others, but a normal mother is able to separate the behavior of the child from the child’s core. So a rambunctious, difficult 8-year-old boy, for example, is viewed by most mothers as being a typical boy, but his core is never, ever attacked. Nor is he maligned, denigrated, or otherwise put down.

But mothers with a cold core conflate the annoying, frustrating, and perplexing actions of a child with the child’s worthiness as a human being. And mothers who are with a man who has a child from another woman will often take out any jealousy or contempt they have for that woman onto the child. Rather than viewing the child as an extension of the new man she’s with, it’s a constant reminder of the woman he was with before her.

This is extremely common, but rarely talked about. An emotionally healthy mother will go out of her way to make children– all children– feel accepted in her world. She’ll even sometimes neglect her own kids’ needs to meet the needs of the new child of the family.

If this is not happening, and she plays favorites with her children over her man’s from a previous relationship or marriage, that’s a serious problem. These mothers have rotten cores, and the damage they can do to a man’s children is not something to take lightly.

To reject a child is to abuse a child.

Mothers who are capable of having contempt for children on any level are also capable of other forms of abuse. In order to hold hard feelings towards a child, a mother is missing part of her conscience. And if that moral compass is impaired, they are capable of doing anything. Bottom line: this is the type of mother who can look at a child in pain and feel………….. nothing.

So why do some mothers have this cruel resentment towards our little ones? It’s simple. It’s a outward display of a mother’s own insecurities, which are based on the child’s birth mother (her man’s ex-wife or ex-girlfriend), and the relationship he had with her. And the easiest target for her to take out her hostility is his child.

The thing that’s so sick about this is that a man didn’t even need to have had a good relationship with the ex. It’s the fact that he had one at all!

Don’t underestimate how powerful of a driver jealousy can be in a mother’s life. While most mothers can put aside their unhealthy, negative thoughts and deal appropriately and lovingly with their man’s children, there’s a good amount of mothers out there who can’t.

Teaching a child to hate

Posted on September 15, 2012 by John in Exposing the methods

A child in the midst of a brainwashing campaign is learning more than just to despise and think negatively of a parent. He or she is being taught how to hate in general.

If a child is taught to hate or have contempt for his or her own parent, they will start paying attention to the negative aspects rather than the positive. The child won’t notice the good traits or actions of the other parent, but focusses instead on anything that can be framed in a bad light. This is fueled and encouraged by the alienating parent because they do not want to hear the child talk about anything positive about the ex.

Teaching a child to hate is also teaching them how to be a negative person in general. And this takes years of therapy to eventually overcome, if it can be overcome at all.

If a child is taught to despise a parent over perceived personality or parenting “flaws” due to a hostile ex’s brainwashing, this outward hostility doesn’t just stop there. It also moves towards other people the brainwashing parent can’t stand (due mostly to jealousy or fear).

The best example is the targeted parent’s extended family. Not only is the targeted parent badmouthed and maligned, but in most cases so are his or her relatives (and thus the child’s, too). Enlisted in the demonization of the ex and the ex’s family also are any other children the brainwasher might have from another marriage or relationship. The lies never get hoisted only onto the ex’s child or children, they get spread like a manure spreader to every other member of the family tree.

But it doesn’t stop there.

Since most brainwashing parents are very insecure people, they dish out their feelings of disgust towards a lot of people in their lives. And who picks up on these feelings? The child who has to listen to it (the only children who can rise above the badmouthing are teenagers who who are harder to convince, especially over people they have known their entire life).

Over many months and years, a child can’t help but share the brainwashing parent’s beliefs and contempt. It’s hatred that’s been taught to the child, and instilled in their very core (and this isn’t severe child abuse?). You can think of this indoctrination as a hate bootcamp.

What happens next, over time, is these children see other people– not just the parent they’ve been taught is bad– through the abusive parent’s eyes. Labels are quickly thrown on people, and if the parent is a narcissist (view this post on narcissistic parents), watch out. Their kids will also absorb many of their toxic traits.

Don’t underestimate how closely our actions as parents are watched, and eventually mimicked, by our kids. If you tend to yell, they yell. If you beat them with a belt, they’ll lash out physically at others as well. If you lie a lot, don’t expect them to be amazing little truth tellers. So it doesn’t take much effort for a parent who’s hating an ex-wife or ex-husband to get his or her young child to join in fully on the hatred bandwagon.

Kids develop into adults through a combination of their own inherent nature (DNA) and nurture (parenting), but when they’ve been marinating in false feelings of hatred for a decade or more, it’s extremely difficult to reverse even for an experienced therapist. The damage to their psyche is tremendous, and the perpetrators of this abuse are committing an evil act.

Teaching a kid to hate is child abuse, and the only remedy for these young and innocent victims is to remove them from that abusive home. Unfortunately, this is a major uphill battle to undertake, as family courts, CPS, and child therapists today simply don’t understand this form of abuse.

Mental child abuse is the most common form of child abuse in America, and the most difficult to stop” – BrainwashingChildren.com

Visitation fabrication

Posted on April 9, 2012 by John in Exposing the methods

One lie that many brainwashing parents do to their children is making up completely fictitious stories about why the ex did not appear for, or appeared late for, visitation drop-offs or exchanges.

In my case, I told my son and his Mom that I wouldn’t be able to pick him up for consecutive weekends ahead of time. Funny thing is, I actually figured his Mom might bring him to the normal 4pm Friday exchange location anyway. Sure enough: she did. The next time I saw my son, he mentioned that Mom has been taking him on those Fridays to the exchange point in order to wait on me. He said that he was “confused.” Of course he was– confusion between my words of “I won’t be there on these weekends” and Mom’s act driving him there in order to wait on me, knowing full well that I won’t be there.

This is another sad example of parental soul-destruction leveled onto children. To take pleasure in watching your children absorb with heartache the lie that the other parent doesn’t care enough to show is very sick.

Here are some examples of how these mentally abusive parents operate:

SITUATION #1
You are 5 minutes late.
MEANING GIVEN BY YOUR EX TO YOUR KIDS
You don’t really care that much about seeing them. If you did, you would never show up late.

SITUATION #2
You need to move the time back 30 minutes due to traffic, work, etc.
MEANING GIVEN BY YOUR EX
Ex shows up at original time and explains how inconsiderate you are to be 30 minutes late.

SITUATION #3
You let ex know you’ll be out of town for a weekend or month.
MEANING GIVE BY YOUR EX
Ex shows up at your weekends’ normal time and place with your children, and informs your children that their Mommy or Daddy must not love them very much and doesn’t want to see them.

Parents willing to do this are completely OK with seeing their kids suffer. Instead of building the little tikes up with excitement, which is what nurturing parents do, these bad exes would rather plant a mean lie into their kids’ heads in order to poison the relationship to their very own parent.

So it’s important to always talk about any missed or late drop-offs or exchanges with your kids. Mention how you’re sorry you’re a bit late, and the reason. If you’re gone for a weekend or more, let them know ahead of time, and also address it when you see them again. Ask them directly, “You haven’t waited at all where I didn’t show up, have you?”

You’ve got to be assertive but calm with issues like this involving your brainwashed children. Once your ex pulls this harmful maneuver, you also need to tell your children this:

“Son, if you ever show up and I’m not there at all, know that there’s a misunderstanding or a missed phone call or something. As I would never not pick you up unless it was something big or was a big misunderstanding.”

And if your children have a cellphone, instruct them to text or call you if they are ever waiting and it seems that you won’t show up.

Remember, you need to be assertive in these matters around your kids when they’re in the midst of a brainwashing campaign.

Destroying Dad’s Dignity

Posted on August 23, 2011 by John in Exposing the methods

Thousands of fathers across America right now are viewed by their children in a disdainful, disrespecting way, brought about by badmouthing and brainwashing.

Even a father who is in jail and has done horrible things does not deserve a verbal attack. Adults can comment all they want on him, but when it comes to the kids, children should never have to encounter an adult who destroys their father’s dignity, even if that father is in jail.

The importance of a father and a mother to children is unrivaled. As such, no ex-wife, mother-in-law, or anybody else should trash the father in front of that father’s own children. Yet that’s what’s happening across America every day. Divorce and children born out of wedlock have caused many mothers to take out their hurt and anger on the “flawed” father by directly enrolling the children in their contempt and hatred.

The direct route for these bad parents to ease their hurt is to destroy Dad’s dignity. It ranges from saying how Daddy never loved Mommy, and doesn’t love the child either, to falsely accusing him of rape, physical abuse, or molestation. The most common way of lessening Daddy’s worth is by addressing him by his first name, and teaching the child to do the same. So Daddy becomes identified by his first name, “David.” Teaching a child to stop calling his Dad, “Dad,” is destructive beyond measure.

The goal is to impugn Dad’s worth as a father and as a human being. If the child is young enough, a parent can successfully diminish in the child’s eyes his or her own Daddy.

Any attempt to destroy a child’s connection to a parent should be punishable by law. But because it’s hard to prove, this kind of child abuse is enacted on children everywhere with virtually zero consequences for the abusive parent.

Destroying Dad’s dignity— or manufacturing a lie to a child that their father is not worthy of their love and affection– happens far too often. The best action for fathers at the receiving end of this is to stay the course. Stay in your child’s life. Keep the phone calls, emails, and texts coming. Document, document, and document again the abuse, and contact a lawyer if you have evidence of your ex mentally abusing your child.

Never give up!

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