I got some insight from a Child Protective Services worker here in Texas the other day. She told me that kids and teenagers that are regularly in counseling or therapy usually have one or more parents that are abusive. Most of the time, kids that are in counseling are there due to bad parenting of some sort (there are exceptions, of course).
I believe that kids placed into counseling regularly are the product of parents that are passing along their own issues. Emotionally healthy parents generally don’t have kids who are so out of alignment that they need regular, ongoing professional therapy. Kids who are exceptionally difficult even with outstanding parents need correction and adjustment from their parents, not from an outsider who is at a complete disadvantage.
I look at my own situation: my son is placed into counseling every month at least once with a psychologist (who unnecessarily told my son about my book on mental child abuse. Causing yet more confusion to my son) by his mother, and my son is with his mother the vast majority of the time. His issues are his mother’s. One of my son’s “issues” is the fact that I wasn’t there at his birth.” Yes, a matter where he wasn’t even consciously aware, is an issue 12 years later. It’s deplorable. When I ask Mom why he’s in counseling she only will say “He won’t tell me; he just says he wants someone to talk to.”
“Abusive parents frequently will use counseling as a deflective shield to what they’re doing to their own child; it’s a cover for their own abuse. For who would question a parent who’s seemingly trying to “help” their child with counseling?” – BrainwashingChildren.com
The sad irony is, the people that should be in counseling aren’t, while the innocent children are. It’s almost as if the parents are conditioning their child to get used to their abusive behaviors…
My son is in regular counseling. It’s not because he’s been abused. He was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. You’re making a broad generalization that is incorrect. Not all children recieving mental health services are mistreated.
Alicia, I certain agree that your son being in counseling for his Aspergers is nothing akin to abuse. As I point out in the article, not every child in therapy is there on the account of bad parenting (but most are).
-John
I have been a therapist for 15 years. I can with authority say that what has been said in this article is accurate. More often than not, when a child is being seen on a regular basis, it is due to the fact that the parent is not doing their job sufficiently. Utilizing a therapist can be the perfect cloak for an abusive parent, and therapists know this. Abusive parents are “masters of deceit,” which is why we are trained to look beyond how they are presenting themselves and look for the signs of abuse. Any seemingly “healthy” child should NOT need REGULAR medical or psychological attention of any kind.
Thanks for your feedback, Patty…
We’re going through this now, your story sounds just like ours
The trouble is my girl can only go through 8 sessions of counseling through Nationwide Childrens Hospital. The counselor states “so long as she continues to see the abuser” she can only be seen 8 times. This is because if they give the child too much information and my child tries to correct his behavior-this might prompt dad to retaliate against my girl. It’s so hard because she’s only 4, and it’s hard to prove that he’s abusive because it’s not physical. There’s so much manipulation. My daughter tells me that he yells at his new girlfriend making her cry in front of her, then makes out with her in front of her. He’s constantly bad mouthing me to her, calling me the “evil queen”. showing up long before I”m suppose to be there to exchange her at the fire station-telling her I’m late (I’m never late) like I said, sounds exactly like what you are going through. My second issue is, I just dont have the money right now to hire an attorney. I’m busting my butt right now to get that money, but it’s hard. He’s not paying child support either. We’re trapped. How old is your son? What kind of counselor can I put her with unlimited until this does get resolved? What should I be doing? I record every exchange because he makes wild accusations.
Yup her daughter is in counseling…and we encouraged it! But the counselor instead of including my husband told him to “get his own counseling for is alcoholism”!!!!!!! My husband is a social drinker who is now according to his ex and kids an “alcoholic”.
My ex IS an alcoholic – I know the difference…and my children think of alcoholism as a sickness that their father has and they are loving understanding and forgiving because that is what I taught them because I want them to be healthy and happy and not worry about him…and they both have an excellent relationship with him!
If I’m understanding the article correctly – you’re saying that the child is placed in counseling BY the abusive parent themselves. I have my children most of the time, and am not abusive. My ex is abusive, though – he is narcissistic/borderline/possibly antisocial. He rages at them, calls our children assholes and hits them. My daughter is in counseling to monitor the abuse and give her a place to confide if there is any sexual abuse I am seeking a therapist for our son because the raging scares him and his behavior is extremely regressive – despite a loving, secure home environment with me. My ex is trying to stop this (we suspect he is afraid our son will talk about what really happens).
What I’ve found is that when there is a two week cycle without time with their dad, my children’s behavior starts to settle – but once they’ve been exposed, they regress.
Net net – I agree with the statement that an abusive parent would likely be evident in a case where the child is in therapy — but disagree if you are asserting that the abusive parent is the one putting them in therapy.
Hi my name is Alicia. I was in a 18 year abusive relationship. I was raped, beaten, verbally, mentally and yes financially abused. I have 3 boys. last July I finally told my ex-husband I could not live this way and wanted a divorce. Ofcouse he begged but I said no. He hurt his leg and called the police while I was out with the children. When I arrived I had 5 police cars and lots of offices attack me. My children wathed me get handcuffed. I was taken to jail and could not see my boys. I was homeless. I’m now with my children and dad put them in therapy. I personally don’t see them improving from all the stress they went through put yet I drive them there because I don’t want problems. My children seem to settle and behave. However, once they return from dad it’s a different story. Dad tells me BAD WORDS every time he picks them up or drops them. The children are soooo stress. I don’t think Counseling is helping yet I don’t know what I should do…. HELP..
I find that these statements, the one made in the article and by the 15 year professional, may be true at times, even statistically more likely with all patients, across the board… but there are also parents out there who actually DO have their children in counseling because they sense a very real problem but lack the ability to identify it or deal with it. These kids are completely normal otherwise. This is the case in our family. I have always been a strong proponent of fostering a loving relationship with my child’s father, but this being true, there is and has been a problem that I just couldn’t pinpoint. I can now. And that is because she has been in therapy with a wonderful and established counselor. In our case, my child has been subjected to mental and physical abuse by her father while being molested by her teenage brother. I know this now, can stop it and everyone involved can get the help they need to have the most wonderful and healthy relationships in the years ahead. These issues started to come to light when my child was given a safe person to talk to that wasn’t mom, because she was scared into not talking to mom. There was never any coaching, leading questions or anything questionable, just a wonderful counselor whom my child has made into her hero. How is getting counseling for a situation like this an indicator that I am the abuser when I am the one who struggled for years to finally break free from my own abuser. I feel that having the strength to admit that maybe I really do not have all of the correct tools to adequately help my child is in no way shape or form an indicator of me being the abuser. Professionals or not making statements to contradict this or not, I challenge you to step away from the ease of making the more plausible excuses that the parent seeking help is the one abusing than the very real likelihood that the parent seeking help is doing everything that they possible can to save their child. Statements such as is made in this article, is the equivalent of making ignorant conclusions based on skin color and only shows a true lack of personal depth or hatred from personal experience which bleeds over into the lives of others. This honestly really irks me because the actual, empirical based information is that the parents initially accused of abuse will THEN make the effort to seek counseling for their children so that the original claim of abuse is ignored. If you state professional standards, please do so accurately in the future…
Me and My husband placed my 4 year old step son into therapy,because he was claiming that his mother and grandmother have been abusing him. He says that his mother had been beating him with a belt and has punched him in the head. He also said that his grandmother (mother’s mother) had smacked him on his manhood,when he peed on the floor.
We approached the mother with what he said has happened, where her response was he is only 4. We also made the comment that the boy should maybe see a therapist,because of it. She was saying that she needs to be there for the initial visit.(she lives in I.L and us in Maryland. We have the boy,because the mother claimed she wanted to finish college and wanted the boy back upon completion,but has now dropped out) The therapist suggested against it, since his complaints were against her. We have a letter from the therapist suggest the boy should stay with us. The lawyer we had in I.L pretty much screwed us and we now have a current lawyer in Md that doesn’t know what can be done. Child protective has gotten involved and we also have a witness who made a statement about the mother saying she was excessively beating the boy.
I am scared to death the boy will have to return back into the care of his mother, where she is currently living with her parents,because she can not support herself or the child.
I read your brainwashing article and the boy use to tell us that he couldn’t love us and that mommy told him that she was going to be mad at me “as in his stepmother” for loving him. That I wasn’t allowed too. Then after a visit with his mother during April he came home and was completely different he started to hide under the table,when he was in trouble. He would tell his daddy that he couldn’t talk to him and daddy doesn’t love him and he doesn’t love daddy. He would chose a punishment of getting his butt beaten(which we don’t do) He also use to mock spank himself, when he would do something wrong. I have asked the mother her line of discipline (I know you are allowed to spank your child,but we chose not too,because it just starts a chain reaction of violence) She told me she has never spanked him in his life. When my husband said he seen her spank him,when he was very young like around 12 months or so. At this point we are just scared and have no clue what to do.. The mother is saying that the boy is lying and is trying to force him to go back. Also her lawyer has said that we were doing this,because she was due to a visit with him. My husband also has pictures of marks on the boy,when he was around 18 months. When he asked she said”He is a boy he gets into stuff”
The mother has yet to deny it to us or to the boy (he told her to her face after seeing her mother on via Skype that they weren’t allowed to hit him and hurt him. That they are suppose to protect him) the mother just had an OMG look and her mother said nothing. I have not stop any communication between mother and child. But she still only talks to him once a week for maybe 20-30 mins. Her mother is never there anymore since it seems to be his trigger.
Bad article. Another article, Cindi, said it perfectly. .. you are making assumptions based on personal experience about every child in therapy. And, I don’t agree that abusers are the ones who put them in therapy. In fact, its opposite. Abusers AVOID it because they fear getting caught. I have seen it over and over again with people I know. I know someone where we suspect abuse from the father, divorced from the mother, and because he had money and she didn’t, he got full custody of the kids. When mother had tried to put them in counseling the father gets angry and will not allow it. People who have something to hide stay away from therapy. The ones who are there, like Cindi said, probably lack knowledge of how to deal with a difficult child or don’t know what’s going on with them. I have two boys in it regularly and I find this article very poor in facts, assumptions, discriminatory, and offensive. I sure hope that every therapist is not as ignorant as this article and would like to think they are not judging me like that just because I am getting help for my boys, because I don’t know how to deal with their problems. And for the writer to say that difficult children just need more discipline from their parents is a joke. You (writer) have obviously never had a difficult adhd /bipolar child.
*Another *poster* (not article) , Cindi…
My ex put my children in therapy not only to cover up his own abuse, but also to accuse me of abuse.
When I requested to speak to the counselors, he told them that they could not speak to me, because I would only give them my “boo-hoo” story as he called it, and lie about how he had treated me.
He lied repeatedly to the counselors, telling them that I had been reported to CPS for child abuse. He’s been reported twice, and investigated once. I was never investigated.
This is part of how he got custody of the children. I must admit that if I had my children back, they would probably need counseling to undo all the damage he has done, but it’s hard to find a counselor that understands this problem, at least in my town.
@TH. If you read the article the author never says ALL children who are in therapy are abused. Of course there are kids with special needs that require professional help. I come from an abusive family. My father was sexually, mentally and physically abusive. If was him who insisted I needed counseling for my “rebellious tendencies”. It was his way of trying to come across as a concerned father. He went as far as telling my mother and the counselor not to believe any negative statements I may say about either of my parents because it was my way of lashing out at them for seeking professional help. It was a sick game that he played. I have been in childcare for many years now, I have seen and heard about abusive parents using a therapist as a curtain to hide what they are doing to their child. This article is sadly accurate. As far as difficult children needing more discipline, they do! Kids need boundaries and consistency from their parents. These days so many parents would rather give in to a difficult child instead of standing up to their child’s bad behavior. It is easier for them to let the child have what they WANT instead of what they NEED, which is discipline. A parents job is to be a parent to their kids, not their friend.
But you said in another article that parents whose children are being alienated from them SHOULD put their kids into counselling. You advised this because you thought that it was a good idea for the child to hear good/neutral things about the “bad”parent regularly from a neutral 3rd party. You also advised people to file for help against alienation so that there’s documented evidence of it, even if they don’t win.
I’m confused now, with this contradictory article. Which is it – put kids in therapy or not??
Gally,
You’re correct, therapy for your alienated child can be very helpful in getting them to understand that both parents need to be loved and respected. A neutral third party who knows what they’re doing can make an impact on reversing the lies and negative feelings.
This article simply points out that kids that are regularly in therapy are usually (not always, but usually) abused. If your child needs to be brought into therapy over alienation issues, that proves the point: he or she is being abused by the alienating parent. Remember this: an alienating home is an abusive home. And abusers frequently bring their own children into therapy to cover up the abuse.
John
After my ex brought about false abuse allegations my children were required to attend counseling to allow DCF to keep further tabs on my children. After once a week visits for a few months neither of my girls’ therepist saw reason to keep them in counseling. They said (as I tried to tell DCF myself) that my girls were happy children that don’t seem to need their assistance. As was mentioned in the book…DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!! I did not have money to seek legal council when my ex took me before the judge in an emergency injunction to attempt to strip my of my time sharing and give him full custody (based on false allegations against my new spouse). My notebooks documenting my child’s injuries and my calls/texts informing the father of the injuries are the only things that saved me that day. I also had dates and times of negative things said to my children by their father and dates/times that he was late to pick them up for his time sharing or was a no call/no show. The brainwashing didn’t begin with my children until I re-married.