Compassion and the alienator

It’s remarkable to look at the general lack of compassion in those parents willing to attack their own son or daughter’s relationship with an ex. And it’s not only a lack of compassion in dealing with their own child’s emotional well-being. These high level brainwashers (read more here) can be downright vicious, callous, and cold-blooded towards anyone they decide has wronged them. Not just an ex.

When I look at the adults that have alienated children against their own parent, I see people who have a very dark side. They are perfectly capable of coming across as nice and sweet as the social situation dictates, but if they feel like they are a victim in a relationship, friendship, or business partnership, they will lash out with vengeance that would make your head spin. They are highly toxic when they feel they have been “screwed over.” They are pulling a manure spreader, so to speak, behind them… spraying their outbursts and negativity to everyone in their orb.

The inability to show compassion– especially towards their own children– is the hallmark of the worst brainwashers. They also have a deep victim mentality… and the damage that they can do to children is quite substantial.

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About John

John Thomas Steinbeck is a parental alienation consultant. He and his son's relationship was under attack in a deplorable campaign of parental alienation. In this blog, John shares his insights, techniques, and tools in combating emotional child abuse. He did it-- today his son's love has been restored-- and you can too!
  • Dot

    Great piece John. My mother who provided child care for while I was in school and working alienated me from all three of my children and I am now outcast from my own family. My mother is a psychopath and I have come to believe that most alienators are antisocial personality disorders….who except anti socials could use family members and innocents as their personal objects for manipulation, seduction, and domination. Everything you said above describes my mother perfectly. Keep up the good work. Expose these people for the monsters they are whether they are ex-husbands, ex-wives, grandparents, parents or siblings. These people can be known by their utter selfishness, lack of conscience, and their deep distorted sense of entitlement. I wish all the information available today had been available 30 years ago. I might have realized what I was dealing with and gone no contact from the monster in my life before she hurt those most precious to me.

  • Nigel Miles

    Thank you for your comments. I thought my family and I were living in a Catch 22 nightmare for the last two years. Your comments are total accepted as REAL. Yes we too believe that such alienators belong to the DSM 4/5 series of psychiatric disorders; many are those with narcissistic pd (or now cd) especially those who are the of the “iceberg type”, the worst of all, the stealth, covert or closet type and are the most insidious form of all and the most terroristic. They are the real psycho rapists and the children need removal from them. Many believe they are criminals and the law needs to be changed in each democratic nation to protect such children. In comparison, as equivalent of the population of the western states of the USA and BC (Canada) those children affected by some form of alienation in the UK affects 3.8 million children; 148,000 are in dire need of absolute protection NOW. This is a scandal in any democratic society, The effort being made to rid the world of all terrorists should include those who are doing the same to children in our societies and all!

  • Keya

    I just found this website and I have read your book and I thank you for the information. My ex-husband exhibits most, if not all of these traits. I was reluctant to read about the narcissistic parent because I believed he wasn’t that bad, but when I did read it, I thought I was reading about him! We don’t have a parenting time order but we verbally have a shared custody agreement. I am so sick to my stomach because he as been alienating my children against me since our divorce in 2007 and I missed all of the signs. I had no idea this was even a “thing”. We have 3 children 12, 9 and 8. I have petitioned the court for a parenting time order and I’m asking to allow him every other weekend and a no pick up order from school. I am afraid that my kids are going to hate me even more because they already don’t want to be with me. When they tell me why they never have a reasonable answer. My son said I bribe them to come to my house (they live with me but refuse to call it home) with toys. My oldest daughter once replied the reason she doesn’t like me is because I hurt her father when we divorced by trying to take them away from him. But what actually happened is the opposite because he sued me for divorce and FULL custody of the kids. My ex-husband refuses to work, I believe so he doesn’t have to pay child support, and he is being supported by his mother. To my surprise your book even speaks on the alienating grandmother! Once I am granted the parenting time order (believing it will work in my favor), I am wondering how long will it take my kids to realize I am their mother and not their enemy?

  • Sally Kate

    Keya, I resonate so deeply with what you share, it is so similar to my own experience. My ex has alienated me for longer, since 2004 till now, when I have awoken to the facts. He has gone round everywhere displaying himself and portraying himself as the perfect father. He was not working, so called semi retired, but spending huge swathes of the year overseas, often leaving with 1 or 2 weeks notice. I was working to support myself and my daughter. Now I discover that a man I had suspected of grooming our child has been encouraged to stay in contact with her despite it having been an agreement not to have any more to do with him. I feel betrayed, scared and emotionally fragile. My daughter has been so alienated from me that she sees me as the wicked parent, just because I wish to discipline her and have a relationship where we do not have rows and moods. This summer I have kept him away, and the relationship between myself and her has been lovely. Then just today he started heaping pressure on, to spend time with her, and I went some way towards allowing her a little time with him, and immediately he comes back into the equation, she turns viscous. I really wish you all the best in your endeavors to keep your kids safe and to regain your child’s trust. We are not alone.
    Blessings S

  • Gray Wolf

    Like most loving parents, even through my ex’s abusive actions towards me I always supported him having a relationship with my child. He used Family court for many years as DV by proxy, a way to malign, hurt and abuse me with threats of taking my child. It took 5 years of every false allegation under the son to finally give me sole legal custody, at that point my child was 7 and although still afraid of his father, he wanted desperately to be loved by him as well. Little did I know this combination with me “winning” in court sent the pathogenic parent even darker, unbeknownst to me at the time, he began his slow and steady destructive course of alienation. By the time my child was 9 he was nearly there, just in time for a review hearing with a new judge. Because my child was coerced into saying he didn’t want to be home with me and a few other unsupported statements the pathogen got full custody to where he then started blocking any and all access. 2 years later my child is fully alienated. I chose to stop fighting in court as I saw it was only hurting my son, but now it’s so critical I have to go back to fight for his mental safety. Never give up, keep educating yourself and protecting yourself from this serious form of Domestic abuse.

  • Gray Wolf

    Like most loving parents, even through my ex’s abusive actions towards me I always supported him having a relationship with my child. He used Family court for many years as DV by proxy, a way to malign, hurt and abuse me with threats of taking my child. It took 5 years of every false allegation under the son to finally give me sole legal custody, at that point my child was 7 and although still afraid of his father, he wanted desperately to be loved by him as well. I never once asked to limit his equally shared time. Because we had very strict orders for all kinds of co-parenting therapy and him to be in therapy, I thought for sure it could get better. Little did I know this combination with me “winning” in court sent the pathogenic parent even darker, unbeknownst to me at the time, he began his slow and steady destructive course of alienation. By the time my child was 9 he was nearly there, just in time for a review hearing with a new judge. I regret this so much as it was my fault that dared to asking the court for help enforcing it’s orders for co-parenting therapy as the pathogen was still being a hostile non cooperative jerk. So because of my request and then delays as we waited for a new judge (as ours retired), this gave the pathogen 9 months to work his black magic on our child. At the hearing, my child was coerced into saying he didn’t want to be home with me and a few other unsupported lies and statements about me as a parent, which in a million years I could never imagine he would do. I was denied an evaluation and a evidentiary hearing. No actual evidence was presented except my ex’s allegations and my child’s statements, yet the pathogen got full custody to where he then started blocking any and all access. I actually thought, well if he has control maybe this will help him stop being a jerk. I had no idea. 2 years later my child is fully alienated. I chose to stop fighting in court as I saw it was only hurting my son, each time I would attempt to “expose” the pathogen with court violations, it would only get worse for my child and somehow the court saw me as a complaining rather than good parent. Such a double bind. As a good parent, it’s been hard to make that choice. Now my son is failing school and starting to self harm. it’s so critical I have to go back to fight for his mental safety. I’m looking for all research and evidence that alienation is child abuse, where a reversal of custody and psycho-educational intervention is needed for the entire family. Like others here I’m dealing not only with the pathogen but a regime of sorts as he has his family and their money to fund winning at all costs. But I still have home and say, never give up, keep educating yourself and protecting yourself from this serious form of Domestic abuse.

  • Gray Wolf

    And I don’t mean to sound possessive by using the term “my” child, I understand it’s important not to say that in court as it can be perceived as selfish.

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