Is money preventing you from helping your child?
Many parents faced with an ex who’s assaulting their parent-child relationship feel helpless, and think that taking legal action is too costly. While it can indeed be expensive, it can also end up costing you nothing… and the alternative is simply not acceptable, which is the continued emotional abuse of your child.
If your child is being abused in a campaign of parental alienation, you need to get legal help. Many decrees have standard language addressing badmouthing the other parent or discussing other adult matters, but many do not.
Here’s an example from a Texas decree:
Minimize Exposure to Harmful Parental Conflict
The conservators agree that any discussion regarding the child(ren) will not occur in the presence of the child(ren). The conservators further agree not to discuss any any conflicts that may be occurring between the conservators with the child(ren).
Family courts are aware that many parents will drag their kids through the divorce drama, so most have standard language like the above depending on what county and state you’re in.
If your decree doesn’t have such language, it needs to be inserted. Consult an attorney, who will be able to advise you on how to add this (usually called a “Motion to Modify,” which is a written request to the court to change a prior order regarding custody, child support, etc) to your decree.
But before you take the legal route, consider getting CPS involved first. Although CPS doesn’t deal with many parental alienation cases, you could get a caseworker who does understand this form of abuse (sadly most CPS caseworkers do not). Be prepared from blowback from your ex, but don’t let that stop you from taking every effort to protect your child. I suggest having some audio or video evidence to back up your call to them. Being that abusers frequently abuse on multiple levels (see this post), the caseworker could end up discovering abuse that you were unaware of.
Then, it’s time to find a good attorney. If you’re a father, find a male attorney, and if you’re a mother, find a female attorney. Why? Because sexes tend to side with and have a better understanding of each other.
Call at least five or six attorneys. Since an attorney’s job is to fight for the best interest of children, make sure you mention that your child is being abused. Any good person/attorney is not going to say, “I can’t help you” just because later in the conversation you mention that you don’t have the money immediately available.
There are many options for paying attorneys that you and your attorney can agree to. Don’t be shy in suggesting one or more of these. In most attorneys’ eyes, some money now or over time is better than no money at all.
Here are some ideas and tips:
- Don’t go with big-name law firms. Go with the smaller firms or independent lawyers as their odds of needing you as much as you need them are pretty good
- Dig deep: use your credit card, sell some possessions on eBay or Craigslist, take out a home equity loan, downsize your $30,000 car, borrow money from a friend or relative, etc.
- Suggest bartering if you’ve got some talent, skills, or a product that could help the attorney
- Your attorney should advise you that you’ll be suing the other parent for attorney fees (as he or she is the guilty party, and the reason for the legal action in the first place).
With the divorce rate as high as it is and the amount of parents that are unable to control their emotions, parental alienation is a common problem. And in the mind of a parent who’s capable of abuse, the best way to hurt the other parent is to turn the child against them.
There’s always a way to legally help your child who’s a victim of parental alienation. Lack of money is no excuse for not fighting for your child.
Bonus tip: Remember, if your decree has any wording addressing keeping the child out of conflict, your legal efforts should be an easy fight for your lawyer because he or she would be likely setting up a contempt hearing. Get as much evidence as you can, including therapist notes, audio/video evidence (complying with the law, of course), other witnesses, etc. The more evidence, the better.
Good post.
The truly sad thing is that you may spend all of that money (and more) and have nothing to show for it when all is said and done.
I don’t have much faith in the system, I’m afraid.
That’s true, Reggie. With so many dysfunctional family courts out there, you could end up shafted. Your lack of faith in the “system” is justified.
But there’s also a good chance a court will understand your pleas and will help you accordingly.
Reggie,
I’m right there with you. I fought until all of my resources were exhausted, and that includes financial, physical, and emotional. I don’t have any faith in the system anymore either.
I was alienated from my children, and my ex still acts as if I’m a threat to my own children, when I was a stay home mother for 13 years, but to listen to them now, after 7 years of alienation, you would think I just abandoned them and left them to themselves, starved them and ignored them while I was home with them. It hurts, and I still cry about it sometimes. Losing my children is truly the only thing I’m still bitter about involving my divorce, but I’m very bitter and hurt by that.
What if the provision is not yet in a court order and it’s been going on for sometime. Will the contempt only apply if there’s this provision.
I think it’s narcissistic to keep threatening litigation. Maybe you’re wrong? Forgive me for sounding sceptical, but is it possible, even, that you”re the narcissist? Your arguments are very black and white, very judgmental about narcissists, when in fact if someone is one – however toxic – it makes them a person in pain, a sad person, not an evil force to be conquered. They believe their nonsense and they’re acting in good faith a lot of the time, however warped it may seem to a healthy mind. I spend my life fighting off my narcissistic ex’s attempts to get me into court willy nilly, and his false accusations of PAS. Even his new wife has told the children their dad is a good man and their mom is a very angry, bad woman because I often don’t want to behave the way they want me to. They try to avoid blame and responsibility, they annex the children to make themselves look good, they flatter the kids and buy them stuff, spoil them, say and do inappropriate things, have favourites, are never there for them when it matters…I can go on and on. I’ve spent years trying to understand how they can do this to children, but in the end the children can SEE who behaves badly and they make their own judgment.
Maria,
Certainly threats of frivolous litigation are contemptible. My article addresses those parents who need legal help to help them protect their child.
I’m sorry your children are being turned against you… it’s a feeling unlike any other. Shame on anyone trash talking a child’s own parent.
You’re right, in the end children DO see the alienators for who they are and were. They will make their own judgments, and, in your case, your resolve and love will win the day. It will take a lot of patience in the meantime…
I’m smack dab in the middle of a custody hearing and after friends RAISE my $5000 retainer for me, my lawyer bolts……sending notice of withdraw to opposing council before I was even notified. Obviously blindsided, now I’m stuck, again, penniless (after years of back and forth all brought on by my ex) and looking for a lawyer. Of course my ex and his lawyer JUMPED on this and filed ANOTHER modification…….she, the lawyer, is “known for manipulating the law to her advantage” and “fabricates” false CPS allegations and uses Temp Restraining Orders in an effort to win custody battles. He’s text book narcissist and now with learning so much about Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting, I at least feel like I have a direction to go in. How I’m going to do it, and be prepared in TWO days for the next court appearance, well, I just don’t know.
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Re:Elaine – I am also a non-custodial mother, like you. His family financially supported him & he was awarded custody because they showed the court they/he could provide a nicer house. I was their sole caretaker from the moment of conception. He never took me to the Dr. and most certainly couldn’t be bothered to “babysit.” He was unemployed 6 out 8 years of our marriage, and I paid for childcare to work. Even after he took custody away after I left him so we could escape escalating abuse, he didn’t work a job for over a year. I would come to visit my girls, clean their room, do their laundry, the schools had never met him in person.
My sister is also a mother who lost her children to a richer more powerful abuser and his family. The number of women in our particular situation seems to be growing, but it may just be I am finding more cases similar to mine due to searching for help myself. There is strength in letting go, and faith from loving your babies is why you are going to stand on your two feet. I tell my children a quote from the bible which I adapt thusly: “Nothing can separate me from the love of my mother and father.” I make them recite it before bed as a prayer during visitation. Make a ritual.
This is my counter-brainwashing program. Because the custodial parent has more time to poison, the anti-venom must be applied regularly. So no matter the bad treatment you suffer from the abusive parent, constantly reach out with words of peace and definitely follow the points the good gentleman of this blog has highlighted! Keep your counter-doctrine very simple, use repetition, so that you never address specifics with the children about their other parent’s behavior: keep those concerns in a journal, or email the parent to express your concerns directly sending a BCC to a lawyer and another witness.
Repetition and consistency is the key to counter the programming. And let the child talk, express their frustrations, listen for their needs. You are still powerful in their life.