Tag Archives: Brainwashing

Brainwashing Tool #2: Using the child as a spy

 

Using the child as a spy

Using the child as a spy

Parents who are indoctrinating their children to spite the ex will also enlist the child to become a surrogate spy. This can range from simple information about the ex’s new girlfriend, all the details of every breakfast and dinner (“what did you eat? What restaurant did he take you to?”) to doing complete hard drive searches looking for bank info, emails, or incrimining web sites.

Vindictive ex’s would love to be able to rummage through your home to get interesting details on your life, including any and all “dirt.” They’re still very angry from the divorce or separation. But since they can’t break into your house without risking jail time, they recruit your child to act as a spy on their behalf.

This is very damaging to the child, for a number of reasons. First, it makes the child believe that the parent and their house can’t be a normal environment. There must be something wrong with it if one parent needs all the details of what’s happening there. Second, it teaches that it’s OK to be sneaky and spy on somebody. Remember, kids model their parents’ behaviors. So a continuance brain bath in spying around a parent’s house for information to share with the other parent is very damaging to the child long term.

Finally, by aligning the child in this manner, the vindictive ex slowly tears down the bond that exists between the other parent and the child. This intentional act of abuse on the child is terrible– it creates conflict and discomfort in a relationship where little to none even existed!

Parents that do this are terrible parents. Period.

When you catch your child reporting everything back to the other parent (I discovered mine through child therapist progress notes), it’s time to let the child know that you understand they want to “help Mom/Dad, but reporting back everything you do in such detail isn’t fun for them, it upsets the other parent, and it makes you work too hard, having to carry around a mental note pad every day.” Or words to that effect.

Don’t embarrass or punish the child, or the behavior will continue and get even worse. Point it out without pointing a hard finger, explain why it’s not a fun or positive thing to do, and then drop it.

When your ex places your child into counseling after every visit

Because time with you is damaging, of course!

Because time with you is damaging, of course!

I’m experiencing in my case severe programming in a desperate attempt to sever my son’s relationship with me. One of the things my son’s mother does is place him into counseling after every father-son time we have. That’s right, usually the very next Monday or Tuesday after the Sunday evening exchange he is placed into child therapy. This has been going on for many months now.

It’s very frustrating to see my 9-year-old son go from a highly enjoyable visit with me (my tactics in fighting back the brainwashing are slowly working, thank God), to being dropped into counseling.

I set myself an appointment with the child therapist a day after my son was placed there, and the therapist said there were no issues in my son’s nearly 3 weeks with me.

So why was he brought in? Counselor couldn’t answer.

I believe that his mother thinks that time with me is harmful to him, that my being in his life is harmful to him, and that the way to “recover” from the awfulness of spending time with a (unwilling to be acknowledged by her) loving father is to get help from a therapist.

Unfortunately in my case the therapist is completely clueless to the brainwashing mother is doing– so clueless that he denies any active brainwashing is going on! Just some “influencing” in my son’s mind. By whom? I ask? “Perhaps a parent”… Please… This after the countless stories I’ve told him and the video and audio tape showing my son’s anguish. It’s a “he said; she said” thing according to him.

When an ex places your child in counseling after nearly every visit with you, what message is that sending the child? That being with you is not a normal, OK thing. That obviously something not good or harmful certainly happened to the child during that time.

It’s sick.

If this happens to you, you need to be assertive in standing up to the child therapist on what exactly it is he or she is treating. See what codes are being documented on the billing to the insurance company. Sit in on sessions like I have, and take good notes. There are many incompetent child therapists out there.

In my case, the therapist didn’t have much to say, and even prevented me from seeing the progress notes when I asked to see them– he needed to see legal proof of my rights to see them. Can you imagine any divorce decree where a parent is specifically denied access to medical records? Amazing.

My battle is just beginning with that incompetent child therapist. Never assume that a therapist knows what he/she is doing and isn’t aligning with one parent over the other. Get your own trusted child therapist always.

Brainwashing technique #4: Transferring hurt feelings and frustrations onto a child

Brainwashing childrenBrainwashing a child usually begins as frustrations, hurt, and contempt towards you by your ex. He or she feels betrayed, wronged, is quite bitter about the separation or divorce, and believes the child needs to know about these strong feelings.

Here, emotion trumps logic and good parenting. A parent makes a decision to bring the child into the separation/divorce mix, and from there the trend is rarely good—- in fact, the trend is usually towards more and more badmouthing the other parent. No matter how frustrated a parent becomes, getting the child to align against the other parent is terribly wrong. A mature parent would instead deal with the ex, and keep the child out of it.

This good parent would think, “Well, one day the child will see their parent for who he/she is, and I’m not going to be the one to slant my kid in one direction. It’s not right for me to do so, and it could even backfire one day.”

People involved in separations and divorces WILL have negative feelings towards the other parent, but it’s time for parents to act like adults and stop putting children in the crossfire. Getting a child to dislike or outright despise the other parent isn’t just wrong—it’s child abuse.

Scorched Earth Alienation

Scorched Earth Alienation (n) – intentionally trying to destroy a child’s relations with a parent and associated family tree.

There are different levels of brainwashing children, the most extreme of which is Scorched Earth Alienation.

When the ex tries to poison the relationship with not only the other parent but with that parent’s sisters, brothers, father– the entire family tree essentially, this is called Scorched Earth Alienation.

In my case, my son’s mother tries to deny him a normal relationship with his own half-sister, his Daddy (me), his grandpa (denied him an exchange– which I promptly filed a motion with the Court), and cousins.

She’s not just satisfied with getting him to hate his own Daddy, she’s going after the entire family tree. It’s truly sad… I hope your situation isn’t nearly as far-reaching as mine.

So when it comes time to discuss with your lawyer or the jury your plight, use this term– it’s perfect for what the malicious behavior it’s describing.

Only 40 hours ’til I see you

Counting down the hoursParents who view visitation with the other parent as something that’s a necessary evil often count down not only the days in front of their child, but hours too.

If a parent says to the child “Honey, I miss you so much, only 40 hours until I see you,” what is that telling them?

First, it tells them that there’s a mental clock counting town the time until “freedom” occurs. Until the misery of having to be with the other parent is over. It’s simply not healthy for parents to use such countdowns.

My son’s mother does this. Just yesterday it was “40 hours.” Not 2 days, mind you. 40 hours.

What she should be doing is asking him what he’s doing, to support those things, and then say “have a blast tomorrow, I’ll talk to you then.” Period.

So if your child mentions “only 35 hours until I see Mom,” you know what’s going on the the parent’s mind.

If ex can’t come, then (your child) can’t come, either

There will be situations when your ex will demand that he/she be allowed to appear at an event, or else the child won’t be allowed to come.

Last week my nephew was prevented from accepting a trophy at an awards banquet simply because his Dad wasn’t allowed to attend (Dad is involved in a highly toxic divorce with my sister).

Dad said that if he’s not allowed to attend, then his son won’t be there, either.
And that’s what happened: I, as the uncle, was there to see the trophy, while my nephew sat at home because Dad was punishing his ex.

Yet never mind the punishment meted out on his own son– preventing him from the thrill of accepting a trophy won in a horse riding competition.

This is just another form of using children as a pawn, and it happens too often in separations and divorces. Instead of doing what’s best for the children in all instances, bitter ex’s lash out, and damage their kids in the process.

Brainwashing Tool #7: Tell them what they're missing at home

I’ve experienced this now several times, so it’s time to expose it to other parents.

When your child is with you but talking on the phone to their other parent, one tool the parent uses to lessen the value of your child’s visitation at your home is to tell them great stuff that awaits them back home.

The past two visits, my son has been reminded of both a horse purchase and a fish tank purchase. “Aren’t you excited to come back and see your new horse?” “This aquarium is so amazing, don’t you wish you could see it?”

You’ll see other variations such as:
1. Parent telling the child that he missed his friend’s birthday party, or some other function
2. Parent telling the child how much he’s missed, multiple times, to make the child feel rx generic viagra guilty about being away
3. Parent acting as though the stay is terrible for the child, saying things like “everything will be alright, Charlie, you’ll be home in just two days and things will be fine again.”

Tips to combat this pointless behavior from the parent who’s lashing out?

Have a normal, fun time with your kids. At the end of every day of your visitation ask them, “What did you enjoy doing most today?” And take a few pictures and videos every day. Post them online, or somewhere that the child can see them. Make the actions memorable, which will be far more powerful than the other parent pulling down the child’s enjoyment with you using words.

Is blocking a child’s love child abuse?

Is blocking love child abuse?In so much of what a malicious parent does and says to a child to force them to take sides in a divorce or custody battle, it can be boiled down to this:

One parent is attempting to block a child from loving the other parent.

Is this child abuse? Of course it is. It’s a cruel practice that deserves prompt attention so that it stops and the effects are neutralized as much as possible through therapy.

The three pillars of child abuse: Mental, Physical, and Sexual, all damage the child moderately to severely. Unfortunately, today’s “soft” courts who won’t stand up to mental child abuse allow the practice to continue largely unabated. This needs to stop.

There are only a few books on mental child abuse, but hundreds on sexual abuse. That’s the reason I decided to start this blog– there’s so little information out there for parents to learn about on the topic of Brainwashing Children.

Brainwashing Tool #16: Not showing them your letters

One thing commonly done by a parent who wants you to have minimal contact to “their” son or daughter is to not show them cards or letters you mail.

You can send postcards, a birthday card, a Valentine’s Day card, whatever. But a parent bent on harming his or her own child’s relationship with the other parent will pass those right along to the trash.

What to do?

Whenever you send a letter or card, remind yourself a week later to ask your son or daughter if they received it. If they didn’t then it’s time to speak to the parent. Explain how you expect letters you send to please be forwarded to the child. Don’t be angry with them, just state kindly but firmly that you would request that correspondence be shared with the child.

You can also start sending your postcards or letters to the child’s school. I’ve done this for quite some time. I address the letter to the teacher, my son, and the entire 3rd grade class. I’m sending them from different countries, so it provides a source of learning and entertainment for everyone. If you’re in the same city all the time this won’t work quite as well, but you get the idea. Explain to the teacher what’s going on, and he or she will be more than happy to field a few letters or postcards.

If that doesn’t work, then it’s time to air your grievance in front of a judge. Contact your lawyer.

This is just one of many forms of mental child abuse. Denying the other parent’s love towards their child one small step at a time…

Brainwashing Tool #3: No pics of you anywhere

Your ex has many tools at his or her disposal to push you away from and out of your child’s life.

One of the small but telling ways is to deny any pictures of you in your kid’s room at your ex’s. Why would they do this?

Simple. “Out of sight; out of mind.”

Your ex is making a pointed attempt to keep the child from thinking of you. Looking at a picture instills warm feelings towards that person, but your ex does not want the child to feel these feelings towards you.

Think about how tragic this is. The parent is deliberately taking away a memory of the other parent from the child.

While it may seem on the surface like it’s not that big of a deal, it actually is. If your kid has other pics in his room (and you can be sure the other parent is in one or more of them), but you’re not in any of them, you can be sure your ex is up to this sad and subtle brainwashing technique.

Not allowing pics of you anywhere is ywr another tool for bitter ex’s to help pass their dislike or even hatred of you — despite your being one of the two top people of importance in their life– onto the child.