There are different levels of brainwashing children, the most extreme of which is Scorched Earth Alienation.

When the ex tries to poison the relationship with not only the other parent but with that parent’s sisters, brothers, father– the entire family tree essentially, this is called Scorched Earth Alienation.

In my case, my son’s mother tries to deny him a normal relationship with his own half-sister, his Daddy (me), his grandpa (denied him an exchange– which I promptly filed a motion with the Court), and cousins.

She’s not just satisfied with getting him to hate his own Daddy, she’s going after the entire family tree. It’s truly sad… I hope your situation isn’t nearly as far-reaching as mine.

So when it comes time to discuss with your lawyer or the jury your plight, use this term– it’s perfect for what the malicious behavior it’s describing.

Last week my nephew was prevented from accepting a trophy at an awards banquet simply because his Dad wasn’t allowed to attend (Dad is involved in a highly toxic divorce with my sister).

Dad said that if he’s not allowed to attend, then his son won’t be there, either. And that’s what happened: I, as the uncle, was there to see the trophy, while my nephew sat at home because Dad was punishing his ex.

Yet never mind the punishment meted out on his own son– preventing him from the thrill of accepting a trophy won in a horse riding competition.

This is just another form of using children as a pawn, and it happens too often in separations and divorces. Instead of doing what’s best for the children in all instances, bitter ex’s lash out, and damage their kids in the process.

One of the small but telling ways is to deny any pictures of you in your kid’s room at your ex’s. Why would they do this?

Simple. “Out of sight; out of mind.”

Your ex is making a pointed attempt to keep the child from thinking of you. Looking at a picture instills warm feelings towards that person, but your ex does not want the child to feel these feelings towards you.

Think about how tragic this is. The parent is deliberately taking away a memory of the other parent from the child.

While it may seem on the surface like it’s not that big of a deal, it actually is. If your kid has other pics in his room (and you can be sure the other parent is in one or more of them), but you’re not in any of them, you can be sure your ex is up to this sad and subtle brainwashing technique.

Not allowing pics of you anywhere is ywr another tool for bitter ex’s to help pass their dislike or even hatred of you — despite your being one of the two top people of importance in their life– onto the child.

The alienating parent will try one or several of the following tactics:

1. Keep the child on the phone for a long time
2. Inquire in a negative spirit how the visit is going. Instead of “tell me what you did today,” the sentiment more like “Are you doing OK?” “How much do you miss me?”
3. Tell the child about a big surprise awaiting him/her upon their return
4. Tell the child how much the parent misses them, that the time apart is very difficult

Please don’t make me choose!

Children know their parents have faults and aren’t perfect. They don’t hold one parent up to the other and say to themselves “this parent is better, so I like them better.” Rather, children simply want harmony and to be loved by both, in each parent’s own way of expressing it.

They don’t want to have to choose one parent over the other. Which is why brainwashing is such a travesty– it’s forcing them to develop negative feelings towards a parent when the child doesn’t feel such hostility naturally.

So it’s our duty as parents to never put our children in the direct or indirect fire of toxic statements or insinuations against our ex. Children love both their parents, and deep within hate negative expressed towards a parent– even when what is spoken of is true!

But these parents take the role of dictator in the child’s life, wishing their ex would simply wither up and go away. They would much rather “own” their child and have the ex never appear again in the child’s life, than share the responsibilities of raising the child.

It’s amazing how a parent can put their own needs in front of their children’s. But it happens all the time. These power-obsessed, bitter, emotionally immature parents don’t care what damage they do to their children’s psyche. They don’t even think they’re doing anything harmful, they’re so wrapped up in their emotions.

How to cope with such “ownership”-inclined parents? See your kid(s) as often as possible. Use the courts if necessary to attempt at custody (sometimes this is the only way to get the brainwashing to subside– but even that is optimistic).

Above all, use your actions to convey your love to your children. There is a good chance that your efforts will be rewarded at some point down the line. In fact, a very good chance…