The 5 steps to begin reversing alienation

About John

John Thomas Steinbeck is a parental alienation consultant. He and his son's relationship was under attack in a deplorable campaign of parental alienation. In this blog, John shares his insights, techniques, and tools in combating emotional child abuse. He did it-- today his son's love has been restored-- and you can too!
  • Schalk Jacobs

    So all is fine to max your time John and all valid suggestions – after my divorce 10 years ago i only came to see my daughter after a court case and no less than 7 pschycolgists to documednt the parental alianation, i started seeing my daugher to a point where she had such a great time she sometimes wanted more time. I started dating 15months ago and introduced my daughter to my girlfriend. Already on the way to go meet her my daughter commented she does not want meet this women because she is poison – they met her and her 2 daughters and had a great time ! Ever since then she has become more and more distant to the point know where she does not want to visit or see me and hardly speaks to me and does not call me dad any more or say i love you too on the phone. My court order visitation does not help as she refuses to come with me when i go to pick her up – her mother simply states i can take her if i want to and openly syas to her that she (mother) will never force her to do anything she does not want to and it is her (my daughters) decison if she wants to go with me. Many people has told me i must just insist on her coming with me which i tried once, never again – she was screaming crying and threw tantrums and wouldnt talk to me for weeks after. So do i just keep going to her school events and speak to her once on the phone every couple of weeks – i phone about 2-3 times a week but there is always an excuse why she cant talk to me or do i gvo the legal way and fight this – i fear going legal and a child pschygologist again will just make the mother more determined to undermine me ? So do i just stand back and be patient? This is heartbraking and frustrating as i know what good times we had and the only thing that changed is that i got a girlfriend whom my daughter spend time with maybe 5 times and had a great time every time!!!

  • clearvoice

    Here is a twist , what about daughter-in-laws who play the same alienation games with your son against you?

    What can you do in that situation when maybe you’ve shown some of the same narcissistic traits that perhaps sparked arguments initially, but now realizing your faults you repent, but it’s to late the insecurity of the daughter-in-law narcissist wins as she is able to isolate and control your son and convince him to turn against you?

    How do you even begin to repair that?

  • Unfortunately there’s not much you can do, except be there for your son. My ex-wife did the same thing to me for years, turning me against my family. As husbands we are constantly told that our wives should come first, that marriage is hard work, and that it is our responsibility to keep the relationship together. Because of this we can be manipulated to feel like it’s necessary to distance ourselves from our parents if there is conflict.

    I recommend not ever speaking to your daughter-in-law without your son present. If you have a conversation with her, she will twist it to make you look like a bad person. So try to talk mostly with him, and only speak to her when he is present. That includes phone conversations, email, Facebook, texts, and anything else.

    Try not to criticize her, because it will make him defensive. Instead, point out positive situations IN OTHER couples, without comparing them to his relationship. Let him make the comparison himself. It may take years, but he needs to come to right conclusion on his own. Then when he does, you need to be there for him. Because she’s going to make his life hell.

  • Abooma Lacani

    When my son’s mother stopped all contact and communication I was elated and at the same time heartbroken (for my son to not have a mom). It was a catch 22- she was his birth mother and that was it, otherwise, looking back it was as if she may as well have been a prostitute that was playing the part of “girlfriend,” then wife and ultimately me. It was all fake. I tried to pursue her for full custody but she was nowhere to be found. Times got tight so i put money where it needed to go because it grew to approximately 2+ years of no contact so if she was to appear and attempt for custody, “no worries,” i thought, “she made her bed.” Having said that, if she surfaced and wanted to see him, i decided that despite all the bad things she did to me before leaving, we could surely work out something. Long story short, she came out of no where and the court accepted her explanation and treated her as a poor little thing who just wanted her baby (he was now 4 at that time). She claimed I “kept her away.” I may as well not said anuthing because it was as if they wrre. Waiting for me. To shut up do they could “get this done and over.” The court shamed me for not “fostering the relationship” between her and my son and for being a “controlling man!” As absurd as that was, that was my reality in that room. I cannot begin to describe my disbelief and the depth too much my heart sank. In the very last sentence of the ruling the judge said begrudgingly “because of the tradition of the Court however the father will retain physical custody but it will be joint custody between he and the mother and the father will lose all holidays for the next two years so that the mother can catch up on Lost Time.”
    The next day was the beginning of my son’s summer visitation with his mom who was stranger to him he was gone all summer he came back a video game addict and that’s pretty much all he wants to do anymore. He has not been the same and a divide began that dauy between he and i. I don’t think he’s been physically abused but definitely believehe has mentally and emotionally. The court does not care about excessive gaming so if I bring anything up I am not “fostering the relationship” and would be shooting myself in the foot. So now my son is being slowly and methodically taken away from me and my hands are tied. His mom wants a check that’s the only thing I can think of her returning. My son never talks about spending time with her it’s all about playing the video game…its the parent and that’s okay apparently as there’s no law against it. No attorney would appeal the decision. I had asked for supervised visits for a period of time to provide a gradual relationship for my sons sake (and to see if she would follow through with it in efforts to determine she was in this for the right reason) but i was shot down. How in the world did this happen? I thought. My attorney said “it probably had to do with the fact that she is a court reporter assistant in another District.” Well good for her, she’s doing “something” but how disappointing it is that the court stoop to this level, and even the attorneys I hired, to allow “one of their own” a free pass to resume their “con” on a man who was doing nothing but all the right things as a parent?

  • clearvoice

    Thanks for the insight sounds like a voice of experience.