The narcissistic parent

narcissistic parents

Narcissistic Parents

In my study of mental child abuse I’ve noticed how prevalent it is that the child abuser is highly narcissistic.

What’s a narcissistic parent? It’s someone who is self-absorbed, authoritarian (watch out for their outbursts), negative, a know-it-all, never culpable or blameworthy for anything, highly critical of others, secretive, cunning and conniving, manipulative, exploitive, stingy, ungrateful, a pathological liar (twists the truth with incredible ease), envious and competitive, deaf to other’s opinions, doesn’t listen (zero empathy), brags and exaggerates, plays favorites (and it’s a rotating favorite list at that), has no boundaries, inept at basic manners, lacks a sense of humor (especially at themselves), and excels at making others feel guilty… He or she is one unhappy person (read this post on Unhappy Parents) who sucks the energy and life out of those around them.

Looking at these traits, how many of them apply to your parent or ex? A narcissist will have most of the traits listed.

There’s a simple reason why the more a parent brainwashes his or her own children (or dishes out any other form of abuse), the more narcissistic tendencies they have:

It takes an extremely selfish and sick parent to inflict such harm onto their own child.

Any mature parent can set aside anger or hurt from a divorce and keep their child on neutral ground by refusing to enroll them in the middle of the conflict. But a narcissistic parent will be hell-bent on minimizing or even outright destroying the child’s relationship with the ex and unable to place their child out of the emotional turmoil. They can’t do it. In fact, they will actively bring pain to their own kids. That’s how mentally ill they are.

So how do you counter these parents, and is there hope for changing them? A sobering quote:

“Trying to reform narcissists by reasoning with them or by appealing to their better nature is about as effective as spitting in the ocean.”

That has been one of my biggest frustrations with my ex, thinking that reasoning with her and letting her eventually calm down and see for herself that I’m a good Dad would temper her behavior towards our son. But it never happened, and her actions even got worse over time. The sad reality is that you can’t change the narcissist. They don’t have the self-awareness or humility to see that they’re out of control and need help. They’re incapable of introspection. It’s deeply unfortunate, especially if your ex is the custodial parent and has ample amounts of time to transfer these narcissistic  traits onto your child.

The only recourse for you is to be a normal parent, providing needed contrast for your child. It’s very important to insist that any behaviors in him or her that mimic your narcissistic ex are stomped out immediately. So if your child is flippant, rude, and lacking manners– and they will on many levels when they’ve been living with a narcissist– don’t tolerate it.

“The narcissist is governed by his or her feelings, the decent person is governed by his or her obligations” – Dennis Prager

Since a narcissistic parent is governed by his or her feelings, they don’t have the ability to own up to their obligations to shield their child from emotional heartache, adult issues, stories of how bad Mommy or Daddy is, etc. They will actively get the children involved in the conflict. It’s inappropriate, it’s evil, and it’s abusive.

These parents are a vortex of negative energy, and will suck the life out of those around them. Children of narcissists suffer, and they come in two camps: those that are aware of this parent’s bizarre, completely irrational behavior “Yeah, there my Mom/Dad goes again…”, or they’re not and are mentally smothered by the parent. Sadly lots of these children end up inheriting the narcissist’s traits, supporting the findings that many children of narcissistic parents become narcissists themselves.

The reality is this. Once the children become adults, the only way for them to not further suffer under the tyranny of a severely narcissistic parent is to move away from them. Creating physical separation, and thus limiting contact, from a parent might seem like a bad solution. But the alternative is living a life of suffering. Remember, the narcissist will never change. After all, he or she isn’t the wrongdoer or person with flaws. Everyone else is.

Finally, here is a quote I would like to share that was left in the comment section (scroll down) from a reader, Eve:

“The narcissist has no conscience and no feelings for others, especially their own children. The only thing that matters is their own selfish ego– coercing, manipulating, causing chaos, and damaging lives everywhere they go.”

Tags:

About John

John T. Steinbeck is a parental alienation consultant. He and his son's relationship was under attack in a deplorable campaign of parental alienation. In this blog, John shares his insights, techniques, and tools in combating emotional child abuse. He did it-- today his son's love has been restored-- and you can too!

179 Responses to “The narcissistic parent”

  1. Hayden April 10, 2014 6:57 am
    #

    I simply can’t believe I’ve come across this page, this describes my mother down to every last detail on every post. I’ve always felt I couldn’t talk to people about it because every time I’ve try’ed they’ve gone to get her point of view as well and you already know how that went… its just me trying to “get peoples attention” or I’m “on drugs”, both direct quotes. I don’t feel so alone all of a sudden reading these posts and comments its just blown me away seeing that I’m really not the only one. I want to share all my experiences with people but there’s simply too much to put on here but I’ll list a few.

    My brother who is just 2 years younger then me was dragged into this with me
    even at the age of 2-3 as listed below

    THE SHAKEDOWN: This was so severe in my case that while I was with my father for the very rare 2 week visit I was so scared that I didn’t really even get to enjoy my visit because I was anticipating it the whole time, no to mention all the bad things she would tell me about him just prior to the visit pumping more fear into my heart about it. While I was with him he was ok with letting her call and talk to me he never made an effort to complicate it but in the phone calls she would always tell me about all the things I was missing back at her place and how much she loved and missed me and would constantly ask when I was coming back, then shed get all teary because she ‘missed’ me so much. But never cry’ed. One visit I recall lasted about a month and in that time I had a chance to bond with his new family (Wife and children, the children are not his biologically speaking but he has always treated them as his own) who he has been with for as long as I can recall, I had a great time and made lots of friends in that month alone, and my brother and I got along with our step-siblings like a house on fire. Then came time to drop me back to my mothers and the closer he got to her house the more I cringed (note I was 5 at the time) at the thought of going back, when we arrived I started screaming and cry’ing I didn’t want to leave the car, gripping the seat while they were trying to pull me out. finally when it was just us in the house she locked the door behind us and sat in the corner crying saying “you dont love me” “you make me feel like a horrible mother” “I even made chicken nuggets for us and put ‘our’ shows on and you dont even care”. My brother just being 2-3 at the time was hugging her balling his eyes out, but she was ignoring him completely and focusing the guilt on me, so naturally I caved and ate the nuggets to stop her crying and she did but only to ignore me for the next day or 2.

    I remember in year 2 I pissed my pants in class, the school gave me a new pair of pants and put the other pair in a plastic bag for me to take home, when mum picked me up from the bus stop she thought the bag had a gift in it, I could tell by her smile when she saw it but as soon as she realised what had happend all hell broke loose and she kept blaming me for it, then she punished me by making me go to bed really early for a week or so and continually verbally abusing me, along with threats of having no dinner during this punishment.

    Before my teen years she had got what she wanted when it came to custody by making me resent time with my father then she went further by completely destroying mine and my brothers social lives by continually intervening, abusing and guilting us.

    Just before my year 5-6 formal she said “you better not kiss any fucking girls do you hear me?!?! because if you ill fuckin’ find out RIGHT!” when i came back from the formal she ‘jokingly’ asked me about kissing girls, then I lied and said I did to test the waters, she immediately stormed into mine and my brothers room and started to break things (his things too) I ran in and told her i was joking then she turned and gave me this look of pure hate then started guilting me and verbally abusing me.
    Around this time my brother tested the waters aswell by responding to all her threats saying “id like to see that” shed make all these threats and he just kept saying “id like to see that” so she shoved him againsed the wall and choked him with both hands untill he stared turning blue then she stopped, then proceeded to sell all of our toys untill she felt we were sorry, even tho we never really had many toys to sell, she always managed to sell it all off and make us feel like the bad guys for “making her do it”

    When I was 18 I got my ex pregnant, this was not planned so naturally mum had no clue and id hoped to keep it that way for a while but she always knows when somethings up and gets the information she needs. She was already interviening in our relationship but it got worse at this point because she was carrying “her” grandchild. Always telling my ex what to do in the pregnancy and criticizing all her ‘faults’, I couldn’t do much about this because she kept doing it while I wasnt around, taking her out for a ‘girls lunch dates’ which I know was just a ploy to get her and keep her away so she could fill her head with lies and confusion but it didnt last All this drama caused my ex to leave across the country to live with her family and my ex didnt want me to come with her, she didnt want to me leave my ‘life’ in my home town for her and the child but my attitude was like “F**k that im sticking by our child even if it means leaving all my friends” and I thought she just didnt want to be with me at this point but that didnt change anything I did follow. As soon as mum caught wind that we were moving so far she went ballistic “YOU’S ARE JUST TRYING TO TAKE MY FIRST GRANDCHILD AWAY FROM ME”

  2. Hayden April 10, 2014 9:55 am
    #

    The thing is people believe the narcissist and not you, they have silver tongue’s never forget that

  3. Good April 14, 2014 1:59 pm
    #

    I used to react with defiance with my mum too, I wasn’t about to swallow all her drivel. It’s worth remembering that narcs must think themselves really unimportant and be terribly jealous in order to kick up such a stink all the time. Keep up the “we ain’t taking sh*t” talk because eventually that will really kill them and/ or they will go and pester someone else. Because why would anyone want to be bothered with them??

  4. Good April 14, 2014 2:02 pm
    #

    Are you human?

  5. Good April 14, 2014 2:21 pm
    #

    No, it is mental abuse. They do it to trick you and my mother always wanted me to be doing anything other than what I was actually doing as she was a spoilt, needy, lazy failure and wanted to bring everyone down to her level. My dad has a few elements of narcissism too and tried to control her in various ways, but somehow she managed to wreck his career and nothing ever went anywhere whilst he was with her, it was just all nonstop battles (she by the way never had a career).
    She is deeply embarrassed and ashamed about me although the irony is she has nothing to be ashamed of. At heart she is deeply jealous and actually I think these people are jealous of people who are nice and genuine and can’t stand the fact they might get more attention, so they continually seek to disrupt their lives. Which is why it IS important to a) stand your ground, b) get away ASAP.
    My mother is so pathetic and deeply upset about my career choice (creative arts) and so deliberately uninterested in what I do that you know what I do? I just laugh! Her problem. Not mine.

  6. Susan April 19, 2014 7:41 am
    #

    I just last night found help thru my friend’s local county social services for adult disabled man abused! I explained the situation to my doctor after months of research & finding help for adult man was nearly impossible but using disabled as adjective (which is inevitable outcome!), I hav hopefully found somewhere to help my voiceless victim an escape!? So help is reaching the male victims rapidly newly field of professional & social concerns! Good luck

  7. Susan April 19, 2014 7:52 am
    #

    I too applaud everyone who has gotten this far to seek help which means ur on the road to getting help from wat I’v researched ! My friend (once boyfriend ) for 14 months has been going thru exactly the same issues as those ppl posting but he is so brainwashed he denies most time but at times thanks me as he fears his mom’d wrath which I accidentally saw wen she was enraged seeing that the AC was on (by me!) that she rendered his body language that of a broken battered woman & then said I saw I& took it wrong… Which I respectfully used analogies relating to fairy tales & definition of love to no avail! I hav been consumed to the point where I don’t know where to turn but last nite found a social community based place to seek help for adult disabled men who are abused!

  8. Susan April 19, 2014 8:10 am
    #

    Congratulations for ur quest for overcoming obstacles incidious as brainwashing to read an article & seek help! I know that ur seeking help is a huge step in ur healing process as my boyfriend (who initially hid this somehow) remains in denial at age 49 & looks like POW, depressed & totally unable to see anything except wait for her providing lowly degrading jobs which rarely come to fruition causing him to self isolate in depression for many months calling it “hibernation” & he must walk hours doing mundane tasks creating golf ball blisters on his ankles with a titanium hip replacement & wearing work boots that hav no sole or comfort wearing Cinderella clothes which she buys & he “doesn’t care” & says I get too upset caus that’s how moms are & he tells me exact words as his on told me,”he’s hotta do wat he should do & h” talk to me wen he gets there “! “Weekdays are no good” caus he’s “no good at relationships” this repo toured only seems to follow us being apart & he begins to show signs of hope which she must detect & causes his destructive behaviors loosing time & it’s getting noticeably worse I’m assim

  9. Susan April 19, 2014 8:48 am
    #

    I am so sorry to hear of your heAlth & inability to escape or secure gainful employment. I can relate thru my childhood issues which I didn’t know about the full extent surprisingly until I sought help after witnessing a vulture evil (as portrayed in Wizard of Oz or many fairy tales of evil witches!) mom 4′ tall enraged upon entering his house (that she didn’t c me) & scolding him (in every way shape & form portrayed in fairy tales & movies!) like evil abuser barking question as 2 Y the AC’s on when I (upon entering moments before) turned on at the site of my friend HER SON’s 6’1″ muscular frame into that of a battered woman shrinking to match her height arms above head, etc not uttering a word & leaving the room exiting house with hair , sweat & grass stuck to his glistening skin on hottest summer day fr mowing lawn! They changed subject upon realizing my presence never saying another word in apology or kind word to my friend except handi g him

  10. Jay Stacey April 19, 2014 5:24 pm
    #

    My Name is jay Stacey, i want to share my testimonies with the general public about what this man called Dr emua has just done for me , this man has just brought back my lost Ex husband to me with his great spell within 24 hours. I was married to my husband Alans jay, we were together for a long time and we loved our self’s but when I was unable to give him a child for 2 years he left me and told me he can’t continue anymore then I was now looking for ways to get him back until i sow a testimony in the internet about dr emua, and how powerful his spell work is, so i decided to contact him via his email (dremuahelphome@outlook.com)then you won’t believe this when I contacted this man on my problems he cast a very strong spell for me and bring my lost husband back within 24hrs, and after a month I miss my monthly period and went for a test and the result showed that i was pregnant. i am happy today am a mother of a baby girl, thank you once again the great Dr emua for what you have done for me.Contact him on his private email dremuahelphome@outlook.com if you are out there passing through any of this problems or predicaments in your life. try him any you will forever remain happy.

    1) If you want your ex back.

    (2) if you always have bad dreams.

    (3) You want to be promoted in your office.

    (4) You want women/men to run after you.

    (5) If you want a child.

    (6) You want to be rich.

    (7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be

    yours forever.

    (8) If you need financial assistance.

    (9) How you been scammed and you want to recover you lost money.

    (10)if you want to stop your divorce.

    (11)if you want to divorce your husband.

    (12)if you want your wishes to be granted.

    (13) Pregnancy spell tp conceive baby

    (14)Guarantee you win the troubling court cases & divorce no matter how what stage

    (15)Stop your marriage or relationship from breaking apart.

    once again the email address is dremuahelphome@outlook,com contact him immediately.

  11. Anonymous April 22, 2014 11:16 am
    #

    dr. marnish solved my relationship problem 3 days ago , i sent him some gift of appreciation for the Commitment love Spell he did for me, he made my lover to love me again. and to be committed to me again, i am very very much happy. dr.marnish brought me happiness, email dr.marnish@yahoo.com or call him +15036626930 he will turn your broken relationship around
    Rebecca Kemaya ,,..

  12. Rhonda April 30, 2014 10:11 am
    #

    Has anyone found a way to protect your grandchildren from a narcissistic parent?

  13. Ali F May 6, 2014 2:44 pm
    #

    How do you handle it when the non-custodial parent is the narcissist? I’ve been divorced for almost 2-years and my ex, after having the motion to vacate our divorce denied, is now ready to go to the Appeals Court. Currently, I have sole physical and legal custody. He doesn’t help support our children and lives across the country. I’ve agreed to let 2 of our children visit multiple times, but he’s not returned them on time 3 out of 6 visits, speaks harshly about me when they’re there, and rarely let’s them call us, even on a holiday, during the extent of their stay. As for our younger 2 children, I haven’t “let” them go but have repeatedly told him to come and visit them in their home town so they can get to know him (he left when one was an infant and the other was 2). I’ve also offered the invitation to extended family even inviting them to stay in our home.
    We have a scheduled call each week for the 2 oldest and a separate one for the 2 youngest which he often reschedules and then doesn’t follow through unless I’m the one that reminds him via text or email. Most recently he requested we talk about solutions to the issues he has with the divorce, but I asked we stick to email, to avoid the volatility and emotional chaos the conversations create. This was met with a harsh response that any abuse I’ve alleged from our marriage would pale in comparison to how I’m abusing our children and his family.
    I struggle because I never want to be guilty of parental alienation…we send cards and presents for almost every holiday and birthdays to him and extended family; I do not speak critically or negatively about him; and I constantly tell them how much he loves them. When I send updates or pictures about what they’re doing, I often get no response or an email about how he hopes I can be the one to see our kids’ lives in pictures one day (he moved away). But although our two oldest have a blast doing all the awesome things they do during their visit and look forward to going, he’s pushed my flexibility to the edge by not sending them back as scheduled (they’re across the country…it’s gut wrenching and scary when you find out the day before their return that they won’t be coming home). Doing what’s in the best interest of my children, instinctively, I feel he should start visiting them here. But it breaks my heart because they won’t get to see their grandmother, who’s great, or their older half-siblings (that have also been conditioned to criticize me). I believe they could have equally fun moments with their dad here, but he often even bad mouths where we live (us in a small town versus suburbia for him).
    Where is the balance? If I protect my children via my instinct, I’ll be labeled the alienating parent (still allow them to call and visit here but not allow them to go across country). But if I let them go, I risk fighting a custodial interference battle; knowingly exposing them to his veiled mental abuse. He’s so convincing that at times I still catch myself affected by his guilt trips, seeing his “logic,” knowing that all my decisions have been based on the best interest of our children. Although I do not worry about what others say versus what I believe is in the best interest of our children (not out of malicious intent or revenge), I do not want to end up in the crosshairs of opposing counsel for denying his rights or the children’s rights, despite being advised by my counsel to cut off visitations there and hang up the phone when he starts badmouthing me to our children during the calls. For our children, I never want to be the one they’re blogging about. On the flip side, for our children, I believe it’s possible that there are exceptions to the rule regarding the involvement of both parents. Any advice?

  14. Samm May 18, 2014 12:00 pm
    #

    “The sad reality is that you can’t change the narcissist. They don’t have the self-awareness or humility to see that they’re out of control and need help. They’re incapable of introspection.”

    “The only recourse for you is to be a normal parent, providing needed contrast for your child. It’s very important to insist that any behaviors in him or her that
    mimic your narcissistic ex are stomped out immediately. So if your child
    is flippant, rude, and lacking manners– and they will on many levels
    when they’ve been living with a narcissist– don’t tolerate it.”

    This is so heartbreaking to read, and I am so sincerely sorry for your pain because I have been raised by a narcissistic and abusive father, and an overbearing mother who overcompensates and justifies his abuse by creating “crises” in my life that she can “rescue” me from, so I can empathize with your message. I see the anguish of being villainized to your child, but it’s masked by anger; I see the fear of watching your child become calloused and self-involved, but it’s shrouded by silencing it.

    You cannot change anyone – except yourself. If you want to contrast the authoritative control of the other parent don’t do so by combating their opinions, views, teachings; do so by asking, listening, and encouraging the CHILD’S thoughts. If the child is mimicking narcissistic behaviours then they are showing you that they don’t have the tools for self-awareness, humility or introspection. “Stomping out” their rude, flippant, ill-mannered traits is not going to teach them how to become self-aware or introspective. Rather, it is only going to reinforce and demonstrate to them that what they are thinking/feeling/experiencing isn’t important. Furthermore, simply being intolerant of their actions doesn’t offer an opportunity to alter them, as it only allows for them to learn to not express what they are going through at all and internalize everything.

    They need to know that the way they acted was unacceptable, but also, and more importantly that WHY they acted that way is important, and valid, but that they need to find healthier more constructive ways of getting their message across.

    Finally, step up to the plate and do the one thing no narcissist can – admit when you’re unhappy and tell them why. If they acted out and got in trouble don’t just tell them why you punished them, but explain it. Admit that you don’t like it when they’re rude because it makes you sad and hurts you when they’re mean, and if they’re flippant admit that you disciplined them because it scares you when they don’t take things seriously because it could put them in danger one day. If you don’t explain your internal processes to them then they will learn to feel guilty for everything because they won’t know what part of what they did was wrong.

  15. tired mind May 23, 2014 9:10 pm
    #

    I left my narsassistic ex husband 10 years ago, when our son was 2. I neverin million years knew what I was getting into when I left him. His mother is maybe worse? My son is almost 12 and he is so sick of them brainwashing, talking bad, everything and anything that could make me mad, or hurt us financially and such. Those two live just to pit hell on my son and myself. Every single thing they say to me is exactly what they are doing. I am so happy I found this and I need advise, help for my son and myself. I try and fight to stay happy and fight hard, but after that many years, it’s not easy. My ex has taken me to court 14 times, I won every time. The grandmother has followed my son to every school to work to be next to him. It’s that bad. They take pictures of warts that treated and the doctor did, she goes to the school nurse over me. She won’t let my son out the door after school until she sees I’m at the other end of the school and my son gets so pissed and thank god sees their games. I just wanna cry for myson all the time. He ddon’t deserve this, He is the greatest child ever and othe judge even ordered therapy does not work for us, so after 3 years, and thousands later, back to square 1. The grandmother hired private investigators to follow me for almost a year, I do NOT drink or do drugs!! So why?!?!? Im mentally tired and I finally 2 mos ago started taking up for myself . I am proud and probably would Still be scared if my son didn’t tell me to stand up to the bitch and dick!! Tell me that isn’t wrong when a child is saying that about family!! It’s terrible, but that’s how fed up my son even os

  16. Anthony McGrath June 6, 2014 4:16 pm
    #

    John
    Just felt compelled to say, what a fantastic site. Absolutely so accurate regarding the Narcissistic parent, grotesque as they are. Hopefully we will have Cinderella Law (UK) to deal with them soon. Ordering the book for more insight and guidance.
    Anthony

  17. Mark Sonia June 8, 2014 8:31 am
    #

    My name is Sonia, and i live in uk.I have been through hell and pain,looking for a good and real spell caster who can help me get my husband back.I have been scammed so many times,by some who claimed to be real spell casters.until i found the real and great spell caster ADAGBASPIRITUSLTEMPLE who helped me,and solved all my problems concerning my boyfriend who left me since eight months ago.and after that i also took my friend along,who was also having the same problem concerning her husband,who left her since five months ago,and the problem was also solved by the same ADAGBASPIRITUALTEMPLE”. Can’t you see! the real and great spell caster is here,all you need to do now is to contact this same address whenever you are in any problem related to spell casting.It took me a very long period of time,before i could get this real and great spell caster.So right now “adagbaspiritualtemple@gmail.com” is here,and the best for you to solve your problems…….
    adagbaspiritualtemple@gmail.com

  18. Matthew L June 14, 2014 10:30 pm
    #

    Im having trouble with both a narcissistic parent and ex-mother in law. I have three children all under 10. One of them has a developmental disability.

    From the start of the marriage we had problems. I moved to a new country to live with her and her mother. We frequently fought which at times even became physical. One few of the issues was that I didn’t initially find work. The ex had it in her mind what sort of work I should do, so made it difficult for me if I applied for a job that she thought would make her family laugh at us. It was also difficult to apply for jobs in places that she thought were too distant. The boundaries were 10 miles to the south, 5 miles to the north and about 15 Miles to the West. Eventually I enrolled on a computer course but still couldn’t find work. I then became a health worker, which she was fine with as her mother had a similar position.

    Another problem I had was in finding friends. The ex never had any friends of her own and they thought I shouldn’t either. Their reason was that once your married you don’t need friends. I joined a volunteer emergency service which she wasn’t happy about. When I had the chance to go on call outs further than her boundaries she would scream and yell, not for going, but for just wanting to go. You see her way of arguing was to keep harassing me not just until I had apologised but until I had convinced her that I regretted even thinking of an idea she didn’t like. This would involve waking me up although the night repeating the same questions until she was satisfied. I was also convinced that I shouldnt tell my own family of our problems because she said if I did, they would never be welcome here. Since we lived with her mother and I lived on the other side of the planet from my family it was very difficult. We had agreed to live with her mother on a temporary basis. It turned out to be permanent, because the ex said I was unreliable and also dangerous because of the fights we had had.
    I wanted to leave but didn’t have the money ( the ex controlled the finances) and they said they would sue me if I left for me having lived with them with minimal rent The ex kept the money. I also didn’t have any close friends in this country.
    So I figured the only option was to stay. I found work and once established agreed with her plans to have children.

    Once the first one was born I noticed that I was discouraged from activities such as bathing the child, though I could change nappies. The rational was that she didn’t trust me in case I let the child drown. I used to take my son for small walks when the ex was at work, and the mother in law just didn’t tell her. I just put this down to anxiety on her part. We had another child 18 Months later. The same thing happened, I still took the kids for walks but ex found out and tried to stop it. Eventually when the second child was about 18 months we suspected she needed special care. The ex convinced her mother that I should be stopped from walking my son. She said I shouldnt only be walking him because it wasn’t fair to leave the youngest out and I couldn’t take her out as she would try and run away.
    Eventually after another two years we had a big fight in front of the children which became physical, I became so remorseful I decided to leave, at least until things calmed down.
    I was away for three months. I still saw the children every few days but it want enough. I missed them terribly. Obviously I couldn’t have the children on my own, and so it was for about an hour a day. It was then when she presented me with a paper asking me to agree for her to be able to make all the decisions for the children. Of course I didn’t sign it. We agreed that I could come back but with the following conditions. I could only have one key for the door (It had two locks). Once I had returned she said that she wanted another child. That if I refused then I should leave as she would need to find someone who could give her another child. She said by not giving her another child I was denying her her rights. She also said that because we I been physical she could prevent me from seeing the children as I had been abusive.

    I agreed. I couldn’t bear the thought of being banished form seeing the children. As a health worker I would also have to give up my job if I was proven to be abusive.

    When the next child was born things got worse as the ex found more faults. If a child woke during the night, she would get me to sit on the floor and watch them in the dark. If she came in and found me asleep or not looking at them it would cause another argument, This in her mind was neglect. At the time I was working full time and also studying part time at university. If the children woke and got into our bed she would tell me to sleep on the floor. If I went to the lounge room to sleep she would drag me off. She said I was trying to get out of helping her. After lots of arguments I ended up sleeping on the lounge. Life was hell, As the arguments increased the ex was pushing me to take medication so i wouldn’t be so argumentative.

    It was during this time that I started confiding in a co-worker. She seemed everything my ex wasn’t. she was understanding and interested in what I had to say. she was also sympathetic. I fell for this girl and we started having an affair. She said she wanted me to live with her. After a short time thing with the new girl weren’t going too well. She didn’t like the idea of sharing me. So totally in love and seeing a way out I told the ex I wanted a divorce. The same day the new girl said she didn’t want to see me anymore.

    I became very distraught. I had just ended my marriage and the girl I had plans for had said she didn’t want me. I had nowhere to go and understandably the ex and her mother were extremely angry at me. The new girl agreed to message me but didn’t want to see me as she said she was unwell.

    I thought my life was over and considered ending it all, though afterwards I realised this had just been a cry for help. I just had to get away. Since I never had any money I needed my share of our savings to go back to my family overseas. The ex agreed to this but only after I had signed the separation papers. She wanted me to agree that I could take the children when she agreed at the time. Also that she kept 85% of our finances. she said I could stay with her and the children as long as I paid maintenance and rent. Since I felt so low and suicidal I agreed. I just needed the support of my Parents.

    I hoped however that on my return I could start seeing the children and hoped I could at least take my son out of the house. This would never happen. I tried on numerous occasions to take him out. I would ask him to go with me and most times he declined. When he agreed his mother would hold his face to hers and keep asking him if he wanted to go until he said no. They invite me on trips with them but usually at the last minute as they are going out the door. Then they will just give a rough location. When I’d arrive in the area they would say they’ve had to change their plans and gone somewhere else or they wouldn’t wait for me once there and I would have to run to catch up.
    When I offered to cook for the children they would give them something else before I could finish. They have also given the children strict dietary requirements which they say is too complicated for me to follow with my cooking skills. If the children are eating and they touch me they are sent to wash my hands. The mother in law told me in front of the children it was because I was diseased as I had been with dirty women. They also say I dont wash my hands properly.
    The only child that I can communicate with is the one with a developmental disability. She is immune to the pressures from her mothers side. The youngest one doesn’t acknowledge me. Since my split with the ex the mother in law
    always makes sure she is standing between us. If she sees me interacting with her she will entice her with something more fun. Sometimes the child will come up to me, hit me, and then proudly run back to her grandma who will be egging her on. My son hasn’t spoken to me for six months. He stopped one night after hitting his head. I heard him screaming and went to investigate. His mother was restraining him while his grandma was holding ice against his head. When I protested they ignored me. I told the the ethical and correct way but they still ignored me. The ice had been held quite a while and he was screaming more. I pulled the grandmas hand away and the two women started screaming at me. The grandmother started dialling the police. The boy pleaded for her not to call the police and the daughter told her to stop. They continued yelling at me to give them the ice. The grandmother told me that one day I will find a bullet in my head. As I say, my son hasn’t spoken to me since then.

    I have tried to have my own life with friends and hobbies but I feel guilty when Im away. I feel I’m not trying hard enough to be with them. If I stay home all day I may get a few minutes with them, then they are taken away or given something else to do.

    I know what I need to do, I need to get out of here. The problem is that I’m scared. I know what lengths they will go to to get their own way. I also think I have given them enough ammunition be successful. I believe that by allowing this to continue I have helped their claim that I am not a responsible parent. I know I can be responsible, but the fear of missing out on their childhood completely is too much. Sorry that this was so long but I really felt I needed to vent.

  19. kate lam June 21, 2014 2:17 pm
    #

    Hello, My name is kate lam, I live in South Carolina, USA, I recently had a breakup with my husband about 2 months back. He said we are done that we should move on that he has someone else now. I could not even bear the pain and everything and
    just so unfortunate, I discovered I was pregnant when me and my ex we going through some big fights. I couldn’t tell him I was pregnant because I knew he would blame it on me. I suffered with the secret on
    my own and I could not go through an abortion on my own. The funny thing is I discovered that he had two other girlfriends I was not aware of. I know if I could turn back the hands of time I would do it
    again because i could not suffer everything alone, I almost drop out of univesity because of a guy. On a faithful day after i lost of thought, an old friend told me about a spellcaster with this email
    dremuahelphome@outlook.com who could help me restore my love and have my baby in good terms. I sacrifice everything to make sure the spell was done. and the spell was now the savior. He spell brought
    back my lover after 2 days. My joy, love and happiness is restored because of this spell professor, my baby comes soon.
    you can also contact him if you have any of this problems below.

    (1) Spell for protection from danger
    (2) Spell for magic
    (3) Spell for same sex love
    (4) Spell for healing
    (5) Spell for invisibility
    (6) Spell for riches and fame
    (7) Spell to get a good job
    (8) Spell for strong love and relationship
    (9) Spell to bring your ex back
    (10) Spell for promotion at work

    This man has great powers and is incredibly generous.You can contact his on dremuahelphome@outlook.com or dremuahelphome@gmail.com you can call him on his mobile number +2348143101585 He can help you without stress try him today….

  20. Me June 22, 2014 10:27 pm
    #

    Glad to hear Im not the only one going through this sh%t. I have 2 narsc parents and 2 siblings that took after them. When I tried act in defiance and get some independance from my Mom she said she “talked to the courts and they said she could kick me out of the house at age 16″. She said they wouldn’t come after her for kicking out her child because I was so close to 18. What did I do… I had to conform to her so I wouldn’t be homeless. Fuck her! She also called the police one time saying I slammed her into the wall. They took me to juvenile jail. I had to call and beg her to take me back. Thank God I found a great therapist. We are working through everything. She is teaching me how to set boundaries with my family. This work with my therapist only seems possible after first treating my alcoholism almost a decade ago. It’s been a sh^&*y life for the early years but things are getting better, dare I say good.

  21. Me June 22, 2014 10:39 pm
    #

    Thanks for sharing your story David. That is a very extreme story. It’s too bad people from the “outside” think we can just get over it. I wish it were that simple. For me, all of the progress I have made was with another person (therapist, 12 step sponsor).

  22. Jaye July 3, 2014 2:40 pm
    #

    This article is so familiar and so terrifying. My dad is a horrible narcissist and got full custody of me and my sister, and spent our lives (even today, and I’m almost 30) trying to alienate us from our mom. My relationship with my mother is terrible now. I was never comfortable being around her, even during visitations, because I knew there would be so many consequences from my dad. I wish she had found this website when I was still young. Instead she lashed out at us for siding with him, even though, in hindsight, what else could I have done? Of course I had to side with my abuser, I lived with him full time and he made my life a living hell even if I wasn’t siding with my mom.

    These days, when I try to reach out to my mom, she’s still angry at me for what she considers a betrayal. And I’m still angry at her for essentially abandoning me in that nightmare. I don’t think it’s salvageable. But I’m so glad these resources exist now to help other parents fight to have a real relationship with their kids. You’re doing great work, John!

  23. Frank Silver July 8, 2014 12:42 am
    #

    I never had it in mind that thing were ever going to come back to normal, My name is Frank Silver and i am so pleased to thank Dr Ekpiku for doing what he knows how to do best that is bring back lost lover. My lover and myself has some stress with each other and it let to our break up, After a while i was missing my lover and i needed Him back but he refuse to pick my call or reply my mails or test message. During my search on the internet i saw the details of Dr Ekpiku which were via email: Ekpikuspelltemple@live.com and i contacted Dr Ekpiku and by his help i was able to get my lover back within 48 hours. If you are having any stress in your marriage or relationship contact Dr Ekpiku today so that you can also testify of his powers

  24. Clara James July 9, 2014 3:54 am
    #

    i will love to share my testimony to you all the people in world.

    My name is Clara James form london new york i got
    married to my husband about 2 year ago we start having problems at home
    like we stop sleeping on the same bed,fighting about little things he
    always comes home late at night,drinking too much and sleeping with
    other women out side i have never love any man in my life except him. he
    is the father of my child and i don’t want to loose him because we have
    worked so hard together to become what we are and have today .few month
    ago he now decided to live me and the kid,being a single mother can be
    hard sometimes and so i have nobody to turn to and i was heart broken.i
    called my mom and explain every thing to her,my mother told me about
    Prophet Adesuwa how he helped her solve the problem between her and my
    dad i was
    surprise about it because they have been without each other for three
    and a half years and it was like a miracle how they came back to each
    other. i was directed to Prophet Adesuwa on his email: prophetadesuwaspiritualtemple@gmail.com
    and explain everything to him,so he promise me not to worry that he will
    cast a spell and make things come back to how we where so much in love
    again and that it was another female spirit that was controlling my
    husband he told me that my problem will be solved within two days if i
    believe i said OK So he cast a spell for me and after two days my love
    came back asking me to forgive him i Am so happy now. so that why i
    decided to share my experience with every body that have such problem
    contact Prophet Adesuwa the great spell caster on his email Id: prophetadesuwaspiritualtemple@gmail.com

  25. Brainwashing Children July 10, 2014 5:11 pm
    #

    That’s correct, sadly. Courts look the other way because most judges are former lawyers and simply don’t want to become educated on the forms of child abuse.

  26. Brainwashing Children July 10, 2014 5:34 pm
    #

    Sorry what you’ve had to experience from your adoptive mother. Your “you owe me a favor” bit inspired me to write this article: http://www.brainwashingchildren.com/you-owe-me/.

  27. Brainwashing Children July 10, 2014 5:50 pm
    #

    It’s a tragedy, but sometimes that’s what it takes for peace and calm to take over… replacing the pathological abuse. These types of parents violate their main oath: to protect their children. Mentally as well as physically.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Narcissistic Personality Disorder: The narcissistic mother « Honor the Children - August 12, 2012

    [...] http://www.brainwashingchildren.com/2011/01/the-narcissistic-parent/ [...]

  2. Teaching a child to hate | Parents civil rights - February 16, 2013

    [...] parent’s eyes. Labels are quickly thrown on people, and if the parent is a narcissist (view this post on narcissistic parents), watch out. Their kids will also absorb many of their toxic [...]

Leave a Reply