Narcissistic Parents
In my study of mental child abuse as well as my own observations regarding my ex, I’ve noticed how prevalent it is that the child abuser is highly narcissistic.
What’s a narcissistic parent? It’s someone who is self-absorbed, authoritarian (watch out for their outbursts), negative, a know-it-all, never culpable or blameworthy for anything, highly critical of others, secretive, cunning and conniving, manipulative, exploitive, stingy, ungrateful, a pathological liar (twists the truth with incredible ease), envious and competitive, deaf to other’s opinions, doesn’t listen (zero empathy), brags and exaggerates, plays favorites (and it’s a rotating favorite list at that), has no boundaries, inept at basic manners, lacks a sense of humor (especially at themselves), and excels at making others feel guilty… He or she is one unhappy person (read this post on Unhappy Parents) who sucks the energy and life out of those around them.
Looking at these traits, how many of them apply to your situation? A narcissistic father or mother will have most of the traits listed.
There’s a simple reason why the more a parent brainwashes his or her own children (or dishes out any other form of abuse), the more narcissistic tendencies they have:
It takes an extremely selfish and sick parent to inflict such harm onto their own child.
Any mature parent can set aside anger or hurt from a divorce and keep their child on neutral ground by refusing to enroll them in the middle of the conflict. But a narcissistic parent will be hell-bent on minimizing or even outright destroying the child’s relationship with the ex and unable to place their child out of the emotional turmoil. They can’t do it. In fact, they will actively bring pain to their own kids. That’s how mentally sick they are.
So how do you counter these parents, and is there hope for changing them? A sobering quote:
“Trying to reform narcissists by reasoning with them or by appealing to their better nature is about as effective as spitting in the ocean.” – Halcyon.com
That has been one of my biggest frustrations with my ex, thinking that reasoning with her and letting her eventually calm down and see for herself that I’m a good Dad would temper her behavior towards our son. But it never happened, and her actions even got worse over time. The sad reality is that you can’t change the narcissist. They don’t have the self-awareness or humility to see that they’re out of control and need help. It’s deeply unfortunate, especially if your ex is the custodial parent and has ample amounts of time to transfer these narcissistic traits onto your child.
The only recourse for you is to be a normal parent, providing needed contrast for your child. It’s very important to insist that any behaviors in him or her that mimic your narcissistic ex are stomped out immediately. So if your child is flippant, rude, and lacking manners– and they will on many levels when they’ve been living with a narcissist– don’t tolerate it.
“The narcissist is governed by his or her feelings, the decent person is governed by his or her obligations” – Dennis Prager
Since a narcissistic parent is governed by his or her feelings, they don’t have the ability to own up to their obligations to shield their child from emotional heartache, adult issues, stories of how bad Mommy or Daddy is, etc. They will actively get the children involved in the conflict. It’s inappropriate, it’s evil, and it’s abusive.
These parents are a vortex of negative energy, and will suck the life out of those around them. Children of narcissists suffer, and they come in two camps: those that are aware of this parent’s bizarre, completely irrational behavior “Yeah, there my Mom/Dad goes again…”, or they’re not and are mentally smothered by the parent. Sadly lots of these children end up inheriting the narcissist’s traits, supporting the findings that many children of narcissistic parents become narcissists themselves.
The reality is this. Once the children become adults, the only way for them to not further suffer under the tyranny of a severely narcissistic parent is to move away from them. Creating physical separation, and thus limiting contact, from a parent might seem like a bad solution. But the alternative is to live a life of suffering. Remember, the narcissist doesn’t change. After all, he or she isn’t the wrongdoer or person with flaws… everyone else is.
I believe i have reached my limit with my narcissist husband of ten yrs. Today he did not have one positive thing to say to our 7 yr old daughter. Then he wonders why she cries. Our 9 yr old son has been in counseling for 3 yrs for anger problems. I just can not take anymore negativity.
Dear Debbie, Leave him. asap. they dont change. dont feel guilty, dont feel bad. take it from someone who has been there, do ‘everyone’ in the family a favor. god bless
This was a great read. I have been dealing with my ex narcissist for a long time. He comes and go’s as he pleases and manipulates the kids to suit himself and often to annoy me. My son 16 is now on anti-depressants and has been suicidal. My youngest 15 has anger issues. Counselling to say the least, hasn’t helped. None of the counselors have actually ever got what the real issues were about. I have let things go to try to let the boys see things for themselves and they do and I have now decided to put my foot down. My ex won’t communicate or co-operate properly. Goes over my head when it suits him. Goes off at me when things don’t go his way. I have told my sons we are going to space ourselves from their dad. He’s not healthy for them and he doesn’t see anything wrong in anything he has done. It has got to that point where i have to take some sort of control of the situation for their own well being. As I have now started to stand up to my ex he doesn’t respond to anything I tell him. His way of sulking because he has no control of the situation now. It is draining but well worth the effort to stand your ground for the well being of everyone.
Why does it appear it seems I am hearing excuses and tolerance for a narcissistic personality? It appears victims are right where the narcissistic individual wants them to be. “Under their control and without the freedom to break free!” He or she wishes total control over others that they do not have for themselves! If you do not have a place to go, call your local police to help you find temporary shelter for you and your children. Your mental and emotional health is far more valuable then his/hers abuse!
i left a comment back in nov.2011.after 3 years i finally figured it out. my x and tormenter got out of prison karl whalen. my mom and daughter said i talk to much and to shutup. i told my x im not going to be there for him anymore. huh he replyed. it never was about the kids with him and my immature narcissistic mom’ kimberly states main neminiss is her mother,helen may3 years and she screamed profanities at me that long, and my yougest kyle 12.i was right there and at 14 he spit in my face and called me names.3 children i had,that thing my x we meant at 16. after the 2 devorce in 2008 i finnally got rid of him./he called me a cold hearted bitch. and my mom right in front of my 3 kids like shutup. theres more then been a mother then???? 21 my oldest 16 and my daughter mimic my mom caus she says im negative and all i do is talk about the past. no not true at 23 my oldest called me a cold hearted bith. hmmmm. daughter 18 still cussing and my baby hates me and if he could get away with it he would kill me. now back in 2011 i stated this and pleaded for help. no one ever came.me? negative and its all about me and im negative? no i forgot to tell them i was abused verbally and physical by the only one who loved me besides the 3 chidren who now hate me. my dad was lied to by my mom tonsilitis?a sack and a puck bag and off to the factory she would go.2weeks in a childs body.i was 13 when i learned antibiotics makes it go away>she was mad.scares where i needed stitches.rashes god know i am his chid i never did anything to hurt anyone. please send me any advice. no email but please mail it to me at kimberly states 300 se 10 street oak grove,missouri 64075. god forbid she helengot me out. it was best because kyle was spitting in my face and breacking my
After reading about the narcissist, I am enlightened — big time!
I thought I was the only person experiencing the devestation and hatred produced by these mentally ill people. It’s like dealing with different people living in the same body.
From the information pointed out on this site, I am compelled to speak to attorney/s on behalf of my grandchildren, all under age 4.
I tried to explain the mother’s hurtful actions with the state social welfare agency but they were easily manipulated and tricked by the mother of my grandchildren..
The narcissist has no conscience, they have no feelings for others especially their own children. The only thing that matters is their own selfish ego, coercing, manipulating, causing chaos and damaging lives everywhere they go.
The only thing these vile individuals really have going for themselves are the precious children caught in the middle.
Without the children it is more of a challenge for the abuser to bring attention to themself.
The abusive narcissist would be left with no one to use and abuse that can fight back.
And, they are actually quite cowardly, doing everything behind your back or in secret because confrontation would reveal their weakness.
I should have been an attorney, like my dad advised me so many years ago.
The information posted here is priceless.
My only escape from having two narcissistic parents came from their deaths when my age was beyond the half century mark. There was no love whatsoever between us, ever. Their pathologies were overwhelming. Life is now good. It shouldn’t have taken this long, but what a relief it is not having them around anymore.
I AM SO GLAD AND YET SO SADDENED BY THIS SITE. I FEEL RELIEVED TO KNOW THAT WE ARE NOT ALONE, AND YET SAD THAT SO MANY CHILDREN GO THROUGH THIS HORRABLE SITUATION DAILY, AND CARRY THE SIDE EFFECTS FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. THE SAD THING IS NO JUDGE WILL TAKE THE ABUSIVE PARENTS RIGHTS FROM THEM BECAUSE OF THIS. AFTER LIVING WITH A PHYSICALY ABUSIVE HUSBAND FOR 19 YEARS (NOW AN X). I NOW HAVE DEALT WITH MY CURRENT HUSBANDS X FOR THE LAST 9 YEARS. IF I HAD TO CHOOSE I WOULD CHOOSE THE PHYSICAL BUSE HANDS DOWN, IT OCCURS LESS FREQUENT AND YOU LEARN TO DEAL WITH AND HOW TO TRY AND AVOID IT. WITH THIS ABUSE FROM A NARCISIST IT IS ON GOING ALL DAY EVERY DAY. YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE WAITING TO SEE WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO NEXT. SHE WILL SMILE AT YOU AND TALK TO YOU LIKE SHE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND AND THE NEXT DAY YOU WILL BE IN JAIL BECAUSE SHE WENT TO THE COURTHOUSE AND PUT HER HAND ON A BIBLE AND SWORE THAT YOU HIT HER. SHE HAS CALLED DSS TWICE SO FAR. MY STEPSON HAS HAD TO GO AND TALK TO THE CHILD ADVOCACY COUNSLER .MY HUSBAND HAS CUSTODY OF HIS SON SHE GETS EVERY OTHER WEEKEND VISITS WITH HIM. EVERYTIME SHE DOEN’T GET HER WAY LOOK OUT. BUT AS THE RESPONSABLE PARENT GIVING HER WAY IS NOT ALWAYS SOMETHING HE CAN DO. HE HAS LET HER HAVE HIM FOR EVERY HOLIDAY, BIRTHDAY AND TO TAKE HIM TO THEME PARKS,ETC THAT SHE HAS ASKED FOR. SHE HAS REFUSED TO LET US TAKE HIM OUT OF STATE FOR OUR VACATIONS. THE ONE TIME WE TOOK HIM WE HAD TO HIRE A LAWYER TO GET TO TAKE HIM. WE HAVE MADE PLANS TO TAKE HIM OTHER PLACES FOR VACATION AND THEN SHE WILL GUILT HIM INTO NOT WANTING TO GO WITH US. THEN WHEN WE DIDN’T GO HE GETS MAD BECAUSE HE SAID THAT HE WANTED TO GO. AFTER 5 1/2 YEARS OF HER PAYING 51.00( THE STATE MINIMUM ). SHE HAS BEEN WORKING FOR THE LAST 3 YEARS AND AS OF 2 MONTHS AGO SHE WAS TOLD SHE WAS GOING TO HAVE TO PAY 300 A MONTH AND WE HAVE LIVED IN HELL FOR THE LLAST 2 MONTHS. EVRY DAY… EVERY SINGLE DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO SICK OF HER. SHE HAS GOTTEN HIM TO ACT JUST LIKE HER. HE HAS BEGUN TO LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING. ARGUE WITH YOU ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU SAY , EVERYTHING YOU ASK HIM TO DO. WHEN WE TRY TO CORRECT HIM, SHE TELLS HIM THAT WE ARE BEING MEAN TO HIM. WE ARE AT A LOSS. THE COURTS THINK THAT BECAUSE SHE GAVE BIRTH TO HIM SHE HAS A RIGHT TO DESTROY HIM AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE IS DOING. EVERYWHERE YOU TURN THEY SAY CALL YOUR LAWYER. WE HAVE ALREADY SPENT OVER 15,000 DOLLORS ON ATTOURNEYS. WE DON’T HAVE ANOTHER 15,000 TO SPEND, AND THE ODDS OF THEM DOING ANYTHING ARE SLIM TO NONE ANYWAY. I AM HOPING THAT THIS SITE WILL GIVE US SOME HOPE WHERE WE HAVE ALMOST NONE LEFT.
I relish, lead to I discovered just what I used to be taking a look for. You’ve ended my 4 day lengthy hunt! God Bless you man. Have a nice day. Bye